The People's Perspective on Medicine

Women Who Want Sex More than Men

There’s a popular stereotype that guys have only one thing on their minds. SEX!

The implication is that women have to fend men off and that they are much less interested in making love. Based on our unscientific sample, however, the stereotypes are much too simplistic.

Women visiting our Web site (www.peoplespharmacy.com) have shared some incredible stories of frustration. Here are just a few:

You always hear from guys that they would love a girl like me, but put it into practice and you find out quickly that this just isn’t true. I have had a high sex drive since I hit puberty and have never found anyone to match it.

“I have been with the same man for 10 years, and it has always been the same: I am the initiator (95 percent of the time) and the sorely disappointed one (90 percent of the time), night after night. I spend too many nights crying, feeling unattractive and listening to snores come from the other side of the bed.

“Other than this, we get along well, have similar interests and have established a good home. The biggest problem is that we are both in our 30s. I love my husband, but I don’t know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life! I am looking for a way to reduce my sex drive because the rejection is killing me.”

Another woman commented: “I thought I was basically alone in this. I’m a young woman with a very high sex drive. Except for sex, I am in a wonderful relationship.

“I have been with my boyfriend over two years. The first few weeks were bliss, where he actually wanted to make love with me. Since that time, we’ve gone from four or five times a week to MAYBE once every six weeks.

“I’ve dolled up, put on my best lace nightie, and when I walked into the room, he didn’t even notice. He makes me feel so bad for always wanting it, like I’m some sort of weirdo.

“He’s 24. He says he loves me and that he’s still very attracted to me, but there is no proof. He doesn’t even try to initiate anything with me and when I do, I’m rejected. I need something to kill my libido because my ego can’t take any more rejection.”

Apparently this problem is not at all unusual: “I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average.

“Other than the lack of sex, our relationship is perfect. I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex.

“On average, we have sex once every six weeks or so. At this point, once a week sounds good to me. It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex, it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive.”

Although there are drugs that dampen libido as a side effect (antidepressants or hormones like progesterone) and herbs (such as chaste tree berry) that also may reduce sex drive somewhat, this type of problem is best addressed with counseling. Even when one partner is not in the mood, he could find a way to satisfy the woman he loves. Who knows, maybe while he’s helping her he may find himself more interested.

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About the Author
Terry Graedon, PhD, is a medical anthropologist and co-host of The People’s Pharmacy radio show, co-author of The People’s Pharmacy syndicated newspaper columns and numerous books, and co-founder of The People’s Pharmacy website. Terry taught in the Duke University School of Nursing and was an adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Anthropology. She is a Fellow of the Society of Applied Anthropology. Terry is one of the country's leading authorities on the science behind folk remedies. .
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I’m just so confused right now. I’m so extremely attracted to him, and I show him. He claims to feel the same but I don’t feel it. We talk about sex and have all these fantasies. He’s even bought toys, and they’ve sat unused for so long that the batteries went bad in them. We’re supposed to move in together but I’m worried that the constant rejection is gonna make me crazier and more depressed than I am already feeling. He says he watches porn everyday, and I thought it was cool cuz I did too, but I don’t know, maybe that’s the problem, *sigh* He has his moments but they’re so far in between. 😕 I’m 41. He’s 47. I don’t think things are gonna get better 😢. When I say something he says it’s in my head. Otherwise he’s the best boyfriend in the entire universe. I treat him like a king. I’m so lost right now 😢😢😢😢

Wow! I’m a 78 year old man and I wish I had a partner like you gals!!

I have the same problem. I want sex every day. I need to slow it down and somehow feel I need a break.

I really thought I was a freak… he’s not interested at all. No matter how long I wait or retain myself, he’s still not. I tried masturbation but he doesn’t like that at all. He said if he doesn’t need it, I don’t. This makes me feel so awful and I don’t even want to have the feeling anymore because I can’t handle feeling this way. I want my sex drive gone!

I thought I was some kind of a freak! Thank goodness I found this.

I’ve been in a couple of relationships, and in both I’ve been the one with the (significantly) higher sex drive. I think about sex every day and wonder when I’ll be lucky enough to have some the next time. To make matters worse, I have depression. I’ve been on a high dose of Venlafaxine for nearly two years and a number of others for years before that. I can only hope that it hasn’t had any effect on my libido, because I am hoping to get off the medication some day, and I don’t want this sex issue to get any worse.

Like some other men that I read about in the comments, my boyfriend says it’s not me that”s the problem, and that I’m pretty and sexy, and he can’t keep his hands off me. Unfortunately, he only likes to grope and kiss me, not to have sex with me. It’s difficult, because I can’t help getting hopeful every time he does that. Then I get disappointed.

Initiating anything or trying to talk about it only makes him stressed about it and he gets some sort of performance anxiety over it. He seems to think that sex has to be like in porn: fast, rough, swapping positions every couple of minutes and making me scream in ecstasy. I keep telling him that it doesn’t have to be like that, but he doesn’t believe me. I’ve no idea what else to do but try to reduce my own sex drive. Otherwise I will never recover from depression.

Hi Ladies-
Just wanted to add my two cents, in the hopes something I share may ring a bell and relieve some of your confusion.. I am under 30 and have always had a very high (healthy lol) sex drive.. I never thought I’d find someone to match it, until I started dating my current boyfriend a year ago.

At first, everything was AMAZING! He’d initiate with me all the time, let me initiate with him, seemed obsessed with exploring my body and always got off on pleasing me in every way, it never seemed like he was doing it just for my benefit, or like he “had to” satisfy me, he just genuinely wanted to!

Flash forward about 4/5 months into the relationship, and suddenly things changed.. we went from having sex or other types of sexual encounters a few times per day, to just once in the morning before work, the same position every morning… I immediately noticed the change, he no longer seemed interested in pleasing me for his benefit, he stopped initiating any time of day besides the same stale position every morning, and would no longer let me initiate with him at all either.

I thought this was all happening because I had stopped seeing my personal trainer and gained about 15 lbs, so of course I immediately felt horrible about myself like it was my physical state that was turning him off… NOPE! I found out he was watching porn CONSTANTLY! I’m talking multiple times a day at work, after work sitting in the bathroom for an hour, every time I left the room AT ALL he’d be looking up pictures and videos to watch even for 5 minutes while I’m gone.

We’d watched porn together as just a fun thing to do, but before I accidentally saw the download history on his phone, I’d had NO CLUE how often it was going on!! Now I realize that he may have an addiction that I’ve tried to talk about but that he will vehemently deny.

I tell him how hurt I am that he prefers watching porn in private however many times per day, when I am sitting on the couch very willing and able to do anything sexual he wants to do. It’s now at the point where I feel rejected every day many times, and he has done nothing to try to change. I am at a loss on whether I neee to leave the relationship to be with someone who actually wants me, and not someone who makes me compete wiTh porn every single day. I’m telling you, I will lose the competition every single time as porn makes changes to the brain that make you incapable of being satisfied by anything besides the porn you watch. So as long as he is still watching porn like it’s his job, I’ll be left feeling rejected and unwanted and especially unsatisfied. My point in writing this long Saga is that you ladies should figure out if your man is consuming porn in place of real life contact. Once they start , it IS a chore to have real life interactions.

It’s gotten to the point for me where I feel he doesn’t want help because he doesn’t realize the full magnitude of the problem and is still in denial. Find out for yourselves so you can at least know it isn’t his level of attraction to you, but instead an issue that’s putting a wall between you. And possibly give you hope that if he quits porn your relationship can totally transform back to when it was good, or if it was never satisfying enough, quitting porn will get you to that point.. without the constant stimulation of porn, there will be no choice but to desire you again . Best of luck! I am at my wits end currently . And try not to be so naive that you think “oh he’s not watching porn or id definitely know!!” My man does a GREAT job of hiding it 100% and acting totally normally at the same time! Beware …… and PS- I think porn can be totally fun and healthy in moderation, I am NOT a porn hater or vehemently against it, but some humans are incapable of limiting themselves, thus problems occur, but It’s not that way with EVERY single man. A lot of your stories just sounded like the same timeline/events of my relationship so I thought I’d share what the cause of these issues was in my personal experience. Best of luck ! UGH!

You are so right.😞

Wow this has made it so I no longer feel alone….i never knew how many women are just like me….same situation too…started my relationship hit and heavy sometime 2 or 3 times a day to 1 time every 8 to 12 weeks…he says it’s him not me but really getting denied so much just hurts

I sadly feel the same way. My marriage has been rocky but we are trying to fix it. But even before I would have to ask him to satisfy me and be more passionate and lively when it came to sex. When we make love, I go 110% and he’d Orgasm every time and tell me how amazing it was. But he doesn’t put that effort in for me. We don’t try anything different, he won’t go down on me, he won’t even put his fingers inside of me. I’m a sexual person and being sexual with the one I love confirms the love for me. But now I feel neglected of passion and it mentally and physically frustrates me. I even tell him that guys flirt with me constantly at work so that maybe that’ll be a wake up call that he needs to satisfy his wife but no… nothing. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like dampening my sex drive is taking that passionate part of me that I love to share with someone I love but idk if this marriage can go on without passion.

I know how you feel. I know that my sex drive has damaged my relationships because I am very weak when it becomes too much. It’s hard for me to find guys that have the same sex drive. It makes me a very angry person sometimes. I hear all the time from my guy friends to just sleep around and get it out of my system. But that is not what I want to do. I have only been with one person and I’m 36 who has had a sex drive like mine. I don’t know what to do.

Omg! Me too. Me too! I don’t get it! I get attention all over the place but not from the one I want! He says it’s his diet- that makes him feel healthy. What’s healthy about no sex drive?!? It makes me feel ugly and undesired! What has happened? This role reversal?

I have been dying for months now thinking I was the only one that felt like this. I’ve never felt so okay with myself, and not alone in SO long. Thank you every one for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it is helping me

My drive is so much worse than my husband’s. I’m 25 and can barely survive on a once a week if I’m lucky. I want it every day. Not only that, I’m kinky and that part gets no attention. After four years of poor sex and nothing fixing it, I just want to kill my drive all together. I can’t take being strung along anymore.

I know the feeling, I feel like I always have to hide who I really am and downplay my sex drive when I’m with guys. They are so boring. It’s driving me crazy, what is wrong with guys.

I’m a man and feel the same way. I do very self distructive things because of it.

Same situation here😔

Wow I can’t believe how many women are all in the same boat. I have just gotten out of an 18 year relationship where I was eventually told that sex with me was ‘too much effort’. If I didn’t initiate sex, nothing happened. It really wears you down after a while.
We went 15 months without having sex at one stage, and then when I wanted a child I downloaded an app so I knew when to force him to touch me. Once I got pregnant we went 22 months without having sex.
That relationship has now ended, and I am in a new one now but I have booked in with a sex therapist to see what I can do to decrease my sex drive and be satisfied with medicore sex. If I had no sex drive I would be happy.

I seriously thought I was the only one experiencing this situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He went away a few months after dating, and we were in long distance relationship for 2 years. When he got back, sex was amazing. We could not keep our hands off each other. It felt so good knowing that he missed me and that he missed making love with me. We would make love 4 times a day. After I got pregnant, that’s when everything went downhill. My hormones were crazy when I was pregnant, and I always wanted to make love. I craved him, but he did not feel the same way that I did. I felt unattractive because he stopped making an effort to even do anything sexual. He always left me unsatisfied. I always feel like I’m begging for him. I feel like it got worse when I had the baby. We only make love once a month or once every two weeks. Sometimes, he would rather touch himself than touch me. He makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me whenever he rejects me. I don’t even want to sleep next to him anymore or live in the same house. I liked it better when he was far away from me because he made me feel so special all the time, but everything is different now. I don’t want to cheat on him just to satisfy my needs. I don’t think cheating on him with another man will satisfy me because he’s all I want. Things are different now. He has a low sex drive, and I have a high sex drive. I really don’t know how I’m going to survive this relationship. I still want to be with him, but the only way to keep myself sane is to lower my sex drive. I no longer want to keep my hopes up with this part of my relationship. It’s been dead, and I have a feeling that it will stay dead forever.

I often have to go without for one to three months. It makes me feel so awful, and I find I have less patience and desire to care for my husband’s young child from a previous relationship. I feel like a maid, a nanny, a personal assistant, anything but a wife.
I’ve tried licorice but it doesn’t quiet my needs for months like I need it to. Looking for alternative anaphrodesiacs.

I’m not alone!!?? Sheesh! All my friends talk about their man being so handsy and horny all the time, and I just cry inside cause that’s all I want from my hubby! We’re together three years, married one and a half and have a newborn. Sex was going downhill before the pregnancy. Then I got pregnant, and he didn’t touch me for 9 months! Then plus healing time afterwards. It crushes me every day because I’m so insanely in love with him, and I’m a physical-touch-to-affirm-love, kind of girl. When he doesn’t touch me for weeks I feel so disgusting and hideous. I’m slim, and yes my body changed a bit since having a baby but I basically bounced right back.

I talk to him about it all the time, and he says he’s sorry; he does want it, etc., and then we have sex. But it feels like he only does because I once again brought it up. I forced myself not to initiate it until he did. 7 weeks! 7!!! That’s how long before he was into it. It was the best I’ve ever had but I don’t want to wait 7 weeks to have amazing sex when he’s finally interested! I’m home with the baby all day, I cry to myself during the day so I can hold it together when he’s home! But after being spit up on, cried at, changing diapers and all the other things that, I DO enjoy doing as a mother, I just want to crawl in bed at night and feel like a woman who’s needed, sexy AF and appreciated by her man. Not, crawl in, try my darnest to get his eyes off the game by rubbing up on him etc and then being told Im being silly, he’s tired and just wants to watch the game.
I’m tired, frustrated and broken with having to try so darn hard! I don’t need it every day or even every other, but certainly more than every other month.
I give up. But glad to know I’m not alone.

I’m pretty much in the same boat. My wife and I (both female). She had a child from a previous marriage. We were together for about a year before we got married. When we were dating we would have sex several times a day… now it’s like I’m lucky if it happens once every like 6 months. I admit I married her because she made me feel like I was the sexiest thing in the world. She couldn’t keep her hands off… now I feel like a nag about it… I feel like I’m just there to take care of the kid, work, and nothing else… she says she wants to change but it doesn’t. I don’t want her to feel pressured into it. So I just lay there every night and cry myself to sleep while she snores away and ignores me. She knew of my insecurities before we got married…. now I feel as if she couldn’t care less about whether I’m happy or not. I’m just… here…

I too have this problem my drive is much higher and he has delayed ejaculation. I do think porn use and solo masturbation are driving a lot of this. I am willing to bet that most of the men turning down sex are still pleasuring themselves most likely to porn. A man with legit low sex drive due to meds etc would not be doing that. Porn is something a normal woman can’t recreate and many men can’t get turned on enough due to conditioning themselves to only feel pleasure from the high dopamine flow of porn. They also often get accustomed to their hand which sex can’t mimic. They may also have had ED issues in the past from using porn and so avoiding sex is easier for them. This is a huge problem if you google it. I think the other thing is that women have always wanted sex as much as men did they were just socialized not to express that. So now you have women asking for more when in the past they would have kept quiet. Finally there is age. My partner is in his late 40s and I in my late 30s and our drives do not match up at all!

I’m glad I’m not alone here. I feel so ugly and unwanted. We’ve been married less then 2 years and our several times a week sex had diminished to every 2 weeks. Now its been 5 weeks without it.
I’ve talked to him about it several times and sometimes he makes an effort but its like sex with me is a chore now. 1. Take out garbage 2. Laundry 3. Give wife some, etc. He’s always too tired or his back hurts. (We are both in our early 40s) He refuses to see a dr. When we do it, he loves it, so not sure why its such a chore. I’m very fit and look the same as we got married but I dont think he is attracted to me. I have asked him if he is gay but he insists he’s not. What kills me is I see him checking out other, more voluptuous women. I’m sure he is not cheating plus he is completely computer and smart phone illiterate so I dont suspect porn. I used to beg him, have discussions, cry to him. Now I gave up. He loves to cuddle but I’m starting to pull away from that, and I dont even kiss him anymore. He wont go south cause he thinks its gross (I’m clean, shower 2x day). After that I refused to go south for him. I feel dirty and gross. When we do it its only with the lights out (so he cant see me?) I love him and need him but tired of this rejection. It’s physically painful to feel so randy. ..though I do “take care of myself”, but I hide that from him.

I’ve talked to him about this and things only change for a bit and they go back to the same. My female coworkers complain that their husbands want it daily and I just laugh but inside feel so sad. I know its him that has the problem and I know he loves me deeply so I dont know what to do I have no one to talk to cause that is too personal to share with people who know him.
I dont believe in divorce except for infidelity, sometimes I’d wish he’d cheat so I could leave. I’ll never cheat though this is tempting me. At the same time I love him and want to stay with him through thick and thin. I looked into ways to diminish my sex drive since he wont do anything about his and is perfectly content with his low energy life. All his energy goes to his job and he gives 100% to it and he has nothing left. I have asked him to take time off or cut back on days or hours and he wont. Is that to keep me at a distance?

All I want is some nookie a couple times a week and I’ll be happy. I’m not sure what to do. I’m glad I’m not alone, I always figured most men want it and would be happy with a woman who wants it often. I honestly cant believe this is my life and this is how its gonna be.

I have met many women with this problem. The question is: What is the problem? Is it that women want sex or the fact that men want it less??? In my opinion, it’s the men. Why do women have to blame themselves for everything? I think it’s the men who need to catch up and do something about it.

But the world doesn’t make it easier for them. In fact, our consumer culture and the media make our sex lives miserable. We live in a time of rapid evolution of our sexual culture, for better or worse. Men are bombarded with images of the most beautiful women. These women in addition to being beautiful (selected from hundreds if not thousands of models) are being photoshopped. Men become familiar with beauty and have a distorted and rigorous view of how the ideal female body should look like.

And then there are oceans of porn. A normal average looking woman can’t possibly compete with this ideal. Imagine a man a hundred years ago. What could a man compare his girlfriend’s naked wife to? Only another naked woman – and there were almost no occasions to get such a view. Yes, there was pornography in the nineteenth century – but unlike today, it was a rarity.

Another thing that can add to this problem is the false belief – frequently seen in movies, that when a woman takes sexual initiative, the man will be instantly turned on. From my own experience and my female friends who have tried this – nothing turns a man off more than a woman initiating sex in a confident or pushy way.

In fact, it takes more time and complex seduction to turn a man on than it takes to get a woman into bed. I’m serious. In movies, women get naked or half naked and the men instantly storm them, because it looks good on the screen – that’s all. TV had been ruining our everyday lives in many ways, but this by far is the most painful of them, as it touches the most intimate and crucial area of our life.

Finally – the sexual life peak theory. This has been proposed by Alfred Kinsey and received strong criticism, and some have conducted studies which have provided data that disproves it, BUT, I personally find this theory consistent with my own observations. I’m talking about my own experiences and the experiences of my female friends.

According to this theory, the peak of sexual activity, the ability and readiness to have satisfying sex is different for each gender. According to Kinsey, men reach their peak in their mid-twenties and from then on, their libido slowly decreases, whereas women reach their peak in their mid thirties to forties.

This, he explains is caused by the fact that women need more time to learn about their own needs and how their bodies work, or more importantly how to orgasm quickly and efficiently. Women with age also overcome their insecurites, learn to experiment and state their needs more openly.

In the case of males, the issue is more straightforward and “hydraulic” in nature, and related to testosterone levels which have an age dependant curve of production. I personally believe that if a man doesn’t want to have sex, he’s having sex with someone else. But that’s just me.

I am 22, my boyfriend is 21. We’ve been together for 3 years. I have a very very high sex drive and I physically need him 24’7, but he always says that he is tired or that he has to work the next day OR he tells me that I am only allowed to have one round of sex. I feel like a dog.

The first few weeks of our relationship, he was able to do 3 rounds in a row… Then it turned into having sex only once everyday… and then this last year, we’ve been only having sex once every other week.

Since he makes me wait so long and doesn’t initiate anything sexual or romantic… I have now been holding sex back from him. A week went by and THEN he finally came over and tried to grind against me while I was trying to fall asleep BUT he didn’t do anything that week for me that would make me feel like I was his or that he wanted me… He just completely disappeared (since I didn’t initiate anything) and then he decides that “oh he is ready to have sex now”… as if … He tells me that he doesn’t want anyone else when I offered that we have an open relationship…

I’ve brought a girl for him so we could do a three sum but he wasn’t into it… I’ve tried to spice things up for him but he only likes vanilla… He is just not on the same boat as me sexually. SO NOW it has been 2 weeks without sex and I already feel like I am going to melt and die (I can’t masturbate, I hate fingers and plastic toys).

I am trying to completely cut off my high sex drive so I don’t feel so physically neglected and empty. I want to be able to function normally without having it on my mind!! I don’t want to feel like a thirsty horn dog that will take scraps… I don’t want to be that way with anyone. I’d like to have self control, but it’s hard when my entire body aches for it. I just need to get rid of it completely.

I’m relieved to see I’m not the only one in this situation. I have a very high sex drive. I have since the first relarionship I had. I told my husband this before we got married 2 months ago. The fire is already burning out. I’m so frustrated! I think about it every day at least few times a day.

I’m 40 and attractive. He is 39 and I’m very attracted to him. But with him turning me down so much it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. We do have sex 2 to 3 times a week now but that’s me really pushing for it most of the time. It is amazing when we do!!! But by the time I plead for it and get it… it’s like a job interview.

We should still be in our honeymoon phase. I’m sure it’s going to get worse soon. I don’t believe in cheating but I know me….I need intimacy!! So I need to slow down my sex drive before I lose my mind.. NO I won’t get castrated. I already had hysterectomy due to cancer.
That still did not slow down my sex drive. ANY ADVICE that really works would be appreciated.

Mine is a long story, I`m very much a male pensioner. From finding my first long term girl friend at a swimming baths at the age of 20yrs, sex with her was perfect. At any chance and time would last for hours given the circumstances. Sometimes so long, she found it difficult to walk the following day. This was ruined after a few yrs buy a very jealous mother and that was that. I`ve now been married to a lady for well over 50 yrs, with family. Sex has always been as good but over the last 5 yrs she just can`t, nothing in her body works. My issue is, ranging visions of a beautiful woman`s body. It`s just a fantasy, but so vivid. Not sure if other guys have this issue ?

I am a 54 y/o married female who has started a physical affair with a 30 y/o who approached me. The sex is divine and oh so satisfying. I was masturbating every day while DH was having issues. I can’t seem to stop thinking about sex. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t want it to stop.

MICHELLE, GOOD FO YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLENTY of men out there, you just have to let them know you are interested !!!!!

My husband makes me feel so bad about wanting sex… I literally count the weeks in between the times we have sex. I can’t even mention being aroused or anything without him making a slick comment that makes me feel low… He doesn’t pick up on hints that i’m in the mood or anything and if i come right out and ask he just says no but when i cry he gets upset as if i’m wrong for feeling undesired and says he doesn’t know whats wrong… I cant take the rejection its very painful… i mean we’ve know each other since we were teenagers but now that we’re married it seems like everything has come to a halt… I don’t know what to do and i don’t want to hurt my husband or his ego.. I don’t know how to stop my urges…

I am legit crying my eyes out because I thought I was alone, I have been with my boyfriend “officially” for 6 months but before we started dating we had slept together for a year. That year, the sex was amazing, it was almost everyday and it was just great! Then we started dating and something shifted.

He began to tell me he just isn’t too concerned with sex in a relationship and I’m lucky if I get anything at least twice a month. I always initiate it and every time I feel bad because I think he doesn’t want it.

He loves me and I can definitely tell but I am an incredibly sexual female and it honestly becomes physcially painful when I want sex so bad and he just isn’t in the mood.

I dont know what to do anymore I am about to move in with him and I don’t want to end up miserable. Anyone have any tips on what I can do because I love him to much to let thid be what ruins it all…

Nicky, there is nothing wrong with you. You deserve better. Don’t look back with regret. Run, don’t walk out the door! There is a man out there who will appreciate you.

I cannot believe there are women out there with this problem. I have been with my wife over 20 years. And our sex life has always been non-existent. The last 10 years, we have had sex less than 20 times. I have a high sex drive and masturbate every day. I have given up trying to initiate having sex, I feel rejected and frustrated all the time, spending hours at night lying awake with a constant erection.

If I was single, I could watch porn, masturbate and go back to sleep. But with my wife lying next to me naked and warm and being so close I can smell her womanly smell, I just want to make love to her so much it hurts. I feel I am stuck in this situation, I don’t want to go behind her back and cheat even though I have thought about it.

I have suggested we see a counselor or therapist, but she has no problem with me getting no satisfaction she won’t even kiss and cuddle because she says I’ll get the wrong idea and then want sex. The moral thing to do in society is to ask for a divorce and move on and then I can see whoever I like. But we have a 9 year old child, so I would never do that. So, I will carry on masturbating in secret, to porn for the rest of my life. I am only 43, I bet there are pensioners getting more than me.

I am the gender reverse to Troy, England. so, I am a woman living without sex. It is difficult with children involved and it is this that keeps people together. I agree that being single would open up a whole new life. I am glad to have found this forum to realise that I am not alone in feeling frustrated and that it is nothing to feel ashamed about

Only been married two years… haven’t had sex in six months… and we have separate bedrooms… I just want out at this point but not sure how

I say to all of you who feel undesirable and rejected: it’s not you! If intimacy is important to you, get out of that relationship now! I am 57 and have been married to a man for 30 years now who has never been interested in sex (or maybe just with me). He told me everything… I was weird to want so much sex or that he just couldn’t right now… I am a nice looking woman with a very high sex drive. You say you want something to Jill your sex drive. Depression will kill it. I lived In a depression for 15 years and I am now waking up out of that and my life is over. How would I start over now and who would want me? Get out now and don’t allow another man to make you feel like something is wrong with you!

I’m 20 and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years. Our relationship is in a good place but what’s not in a good place is our sex life. Once upon a time he couldn’t keep his hands off me and now he barley notices me. I can walk out naked and he wouldn’t give me a second look. As of right now it’s maybe once a week or two weeks, other than that he ignores/pushes me away. He makes me feel like I’m weird for wanting to have sex. Compared to everyone else posting, once a week isn’t bad but when does it stop? Are we just going to go back to normal or will it start to be once every 6 weeks

I sympathise n consoled that i am not alone. No one can beat my record though so consider yourselves lucky. Been married 21yrs. Will make love a few times every 2-3 yrs. But it got so pathetic for the past 5 yrs NOTHING…it makes me feel so unwanted n cheap.

What do you do if you’re a 43 year old woman that hasn’t had sex with her boyfriend in 7 months? He’s 37 and I know he loves me. He shows it in alot of other ways, but he doesn’t desire sex at all. 7 months ago he did. How can I kill the desire in myself for wanting it so badly, when he’s never in the mood. He has even said to me: Just because I don’t have sex with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Wow….I thought I was the only one….I’m a 63 year old woman with the sex drive of a teenager. I like sex at least once a day. Preferably at night. I sleep so well afterwards. My partner and I have been together 18 months. We used to have sex 2 or 3 times a day….every day….until he moved in with me a year ago. Now it’s turned into a constant argument. I just want a pill to make it stop. Our life would be great if it weren’t for my sex drive.

Hi, I honestly can’t remember the last time my husband touched me. Has to be over 7 months now. I have got to the point I am looking up Oophorectomy and being chemically castrated even having thoughts of female circumcision.

So sick and tired of feeling undesirable & unwanted

Having yourself castrated WILL end your urges for sex BUT isn’t that a bit drastic?? Other men would love to give you sex !!!

I have been with my boyfriend going on 3 years. Within the past year he has completely just given up on sex. I try to start things up only for it to end in rejection. He wonders why I act so weird or like I’m broken, it kills me every time my hands are pushed away or he’ll say go “help” yourself out. We used to not be able to get enough of each other and it’s only getting worse.

I feel so uncomfortable and undesirable. To the point of almost a depression and I just can’t stand it anymore. We are 20 years old and it’s just beating down. I go out of my way go to bed with nothing on wear my best most sexy pair of underwear and nothing. I try and he will actually push me away and say no. I’m just to my end with it and need some sort of way to make myself from always being turned on

Emily, I’ll give you the same advice I gave to Nicky…there is nothing wrong with you. You deserve better. Don’t look back with regret. Run, don’t walk out the door! There is a man out there who will appreciate you. You are too young to live like this. I know you love him, but once you are free you will find love again.

Oh my, I’m so relieved…not being alone is kinda a good feeling. I’ve been thinking, if I could go get the female castration then we’d be ok again. I’m tired of feeling weird for wanting sex. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of the whole thing. It has successfully killed my confidence.

I’m a 35 year old female. My husband is 47. We’ve been married for a little under a year. In the beginning we had great sex all the time. Now, although we still have fantastic sex we only do it 2 or 3 times a month. I want it way more. I would never consider cheating but I’m just not satisfied, and I sometimes feel like there’s something wrong with me

I am a 41 year old female that has a 42 year old husband. Sex has always been initiated by my husband and I have welcomed it (for the most part). We have never had a problem with sex. In fact, just the sight of me in my underwear, or changing, or sometimes just working in the kitchen, my husband would become turned on and initiate sex.

A couple of months ago, I started having increased sexual desires and have been rejected pretty much for every one of the advances. He no longer seems interested in sex at all. He has his nose in his phone and I can’t seem to do anything to catch his eye any more. I tried sexy lingerie, purposely undressing in front of him, walking around the house scantily dressed. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says nothing is going on and that the more I try the less he wants it.

I feel completely rejected, unattractive, and fighting thoughts that he is turning to porn instead of me. I have never had this much desire to have sex and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t have it. Reading the stories make me feel better somewhat, but I am desperately searching on how we can return to the “good ole days” or if I need to brace the reality that he just doesn’t have the desire to have sex any longer. Help!

I have been with my boyfriend a short time (7 months), and at the beginning he thought he wasn’t living up to it in the bedroom until he spoke to me. Then things were great. Now again he just doesn’t want it as often as I do but I think this may be due to a conversation we had abut babies and what would happen if I got pregnant “by accident.” If something is on your mind it can really bother you, and I think this is why there is a change. But it is so difficult to talk about!!!

I dont want to make him feel worse by going on about it. In a way I’m glad I’m not the only one but I do feel for you all. It’s a bloody nightmare loving a man who would rather do what seems like anything else than rip ypur clothes off! ?

I was so happy to come across this forum. I almost started crying when I read so many familiar situations and feelings. Just knowing that I am not alone is so comforting. My husband & I have been together 9 years. For the first 2 years, we had wonderful, amazing sex almost daily. Now, it’s a few times a month.

I have changed from a very sexually confident person to someone who now questions everything about my desirability. I go from resentment to self loathing to just plain sad. No matter how many times my husband assures me that he does still find me attractive, deep down I don’t, I can’t believe him.

Other than our sex life, we have a wonderful, fulfilling, affectionate and loving relationship. I am going to order some spearmint tea to see if that helps . Has anyone else had success with this?

My situation is so similar to yours. I am really glad to have read these posts and realize I’m not the only one that used to feel sexy, but now feels stupid because I want to be with my partner,and he’s not interested. I have developed jealousy feelings (including rejection, hurt, frustration) which is not like me. It really sucks when you love someone so much, and sex is an intimate thing to share together expressing that. When not having a similar sex drive a part of our perfect relationship is lacking. It makes me vulnerable and beg for more of his attention. I understand questioning if he really loves me or not. Good luck to you. I hope you two can somehow have a mutual contentment .

Many women have this same situation. Do not spend the rest of your life celebate! Plenty of males who would help with these problems. You were not intended to be without sex!

ANN, wifes need to know that they have options, there are plenty of men who would be descrete and would be delighted to help. Let men know straight out that you are available. Make sure they understand that they should keep it descrete ! I have 5 different men whom I can call on when I need a session. Its called “Friends with benefits”. My husband pays absolutely no attention to me, even though most men are thrilled to just talk with me! I still look nice in shorts and keep slim so it is easy to make friends, some very close friends. My advice is to make yourself as attractive as possible and then carefully make friends with guys you find desireable.

So… Many ladies share my frustration but I need a solution besides drinking peppermint tea because there isn’t much else.

I ain’t drinking no tea just to make the issue go away so why can’t they go drink some tea and increase their libido?!

This is like the ultimate bait and switch from great sex to next to nill real quick!

Sigh …..

I am a recently married, middle aged woman. Before I married my husband, we did NOT have sex. I stressed to him NUMEROUS times over the year we dated that I have an extremely high sex drive and that I would want sex on a daily basis when we were married. In response, he assured me NUMEROUS times that his sex drive matches mine and that his actually surpasses mine.

Well, that is far from true. Beginning on our honeymoon, I was shown that this was untrue. The honeymoon is thee time when a husband and wife get to REALLY experience each other sexually. Out of seven days on our honeymoon, we probably had sex 4 times.

Things have quickly gone downhill from there. We have not had sex in two weeks now, but when we do it is because I am initiating EVERY time. I feel unsexy, unwanted, and even though he says he loves me, I feel unloved. I feel lied to and duped.

I have talked to him about this, but I am getting no where and I feel like I am wasting my breath which makes me resent him. I am now just trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life basically sex less. I’m looking into surgeries and chemicals to reduce or completely kill my sex drive. I’m sorry I’m not the only one going through some degree of this problem. However, I’m grateful that there are others from whom I can get support/ideas. Thank you all…

Your article helped some. I am a 63 year old woman. I live with a very desirable 71 year old man. We are so very happy. He is loving to me. I am to him. We have lived together a short time. Not quite 3 months. Have not had sex. He can’t remain hard to enter. I realize I am 63. A grandma. I am sometimes so very depressed, because I am beginning to realize that at my age- my desire to actually have my man’s penis enter me – is just dumb. He is so desirable in and out of clothes. It just isn’t fair. I so desire him, yet I know at my age, it’s just dumb. I need medical help to stop all desire for sex.

My partner and I have been physically but not sexually intimate for almost 8 months. I am 72 and he is 65. We are both physically and mentally attractive and enjoyed sexual intimacy regularly for the first 7 months of our relationship.
That seems to be a theme in this thread. I do notice that the majority of the contributors are decades younger than we, and that is pretty sad.

My desire for him is unabated, and he tells me he is sexually attracted to me, but his actions belie his words. We continue to be physically engaged, but his sexual desire has abated, and as others on this thread have noted, our relationship has devolved to ‘housemates who comfortably share a bed’. He tells me that this is due to the stress of transitioning from work to retirement, and from living separately to living together and melding our two mature households. He asks for patience, and assures me that the situation will improve.

He patiently enjoys, even basks in, physical attention from me, but no longer reciprocates. Of course, I no longer feel like giving him pleasure and receiving sexual frustration in return. I know that I am attractive and have confidence in myself.

Bottom line … he is working keenly to make a home for us together and I am certain of his deep love for me. Currently he is a great ‘husband’ but a lousy ‘boyfriend’.

I have no interest in losing or lessening my sexual desire – I would like it to be fulfilled on a regular basis.

I am willing to take him at his word and wait … to a point.
PS: yes, I have wrinkles – all one has to do to get those is live long enough.

I’ve had the same problem in my marriage. My husband doesn’t desire me and won’t open up about what’s going on. I feel so broken-hearted and unwanted. One day while on his phone, a porn site came up. This prompted me to check his search history. It all makes sense now. He’s turning to porn instead of me. I feel like he’s cheating on me in a sense.

I am in the same situation as the other women in this forum I have been married for 25 years in the beginning sex was fantastic and the first few years improved and got better as we got to know each other. I now have not had sex for 61 days and it has come to the problem of I drink vodka every night to knock me out and can get to sleep but can’t stay asleep so I wake up with sexual desires again my husband has constantly regected me and have always felt undesirable and unattractive I have asked begged and made jokes but nothing works I would like to sleep and not wake constantly wanting sex I don’t know if he has problems physically now

I am so glad to know I am not alone. At my age when I look in the mirror I see more wrinkles. Yet know I’m not that bad looking. I’m 63, with a desire for my man to REALLY just ONCE! put himself inside me. He won’t take Viagra. Is it perverted for me to use a vibrator? I have, then I feel like I’m cheating on him.

Reading other’s comments on this makes me feel a whole lot better as I draw comfort from knowing I’m not the only one going through this.
I love my boyfriend dearly. We have a great relationship. Always laughing together and having lots of fun?

I’ve been married before to a man who didn’t understand me. He wanted sex all the time and I didn’t enjoy it. There was no love between us. Meeting my boyfriend and falling in love for the first time changed how I felt about sex. It was no longer cold and harsh, but beautiful and gentle. In the beginning sex was often. Sometimes with him tearing my clothes off at the door when I got to his, but now its no longer like that. We still have sex now and then and it’s always wonderful, but I feel he is doing it for me than for us. It’s as if he no longer desires me in that way and can sometime feel more like a loving friendship than a relationship.

We have kisses and cuddles in bed and we talk for hours together about anything and everything, but I’m finding this tough to deal with and often it can make me feel bad about myself. But what can I do?? He is my ideal man. Wonderful and honest. So I guess I need to learn how to live without sex, because I definitely couldn’t live without him.

I feel better already! not hurting now! need feed-back about using a vibrator. Am I cheating on him? I told him about the vibrator. His words saying he’s ok with it didn’t match his facial expressions.

Several thoughts occur to me: Is he Gay but still feels that a “heterosexual relationship” is his idea of the ideal relationship? Is he on a medication (s) that suppresses the libido? Is he having an affair?

I am so glad I found this. I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. For the first three years we were highly sexually active then one day it just seemed to stop. It went from having sex four times a week to once everyone two to three months.

I keep begging him and asked him for sex. We are in our mid twenties. Of what I’ve heard from other women “the sexual prime time”. But I constantly get rejected.

I feel like I’m some kind of freak. Someone he doesn’t want anymore. Someone he has no desires for like he used to. Like he doesn’t even care about my sexual needs. It feels like he’s trying to push me away.

I get so depressed that I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror cause I feel so unwanted. There are days that my depression is so bad that I lash at him for not giving me the sexual pleasures I need. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. That I’ve become troublesome to be with anymore.

When he finally gives me sex it feels wonderful. But when we’re done I always ask myself “Did he just do that to try to shut me up because of how troublesome I’ve been?”

I need drastic help before my relationship ends because of this. And I don’t want it to. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I want to keep this sexual desire but at the same time make it all go away.

Hey heather! I know how you feel with the barely having sex part and your partner making you feel crazy for wanting it all the time. Just curious if you found out a solution to help you with what is going on. Also wanted some advice on something. I feel I’m being selfish because I want to have sex all the time but only with my boyfriend. The only problem is he is in his late 30s and I’m in my late 20s. He’s had back problems before and suffers from depression so he says he doesn’t think about sex like he used to and doesn’t feel the desire as much because of his medication. I just can’t help but think that he’s just not attracted to me anymore like he used to be and feel selfish for wanting it all the time when his back hurts or isn’t feeling good. Only thing is half the time I feel like he is only telling me those things so he doesn’t have to have sex with me.

would like to receive future comments from readers

I’m so glad I came across this! I have been with my husband since I was 15 and I have always been a very passionate and sexual person, at first he thought this was great. Back then we would do anything to steal 5 minutes together and couldn’t keep our hands of each other but by the time moved in that was pretty much all gone. He was constantly turning me down and once even told me that he only ever had sex with me to shut me up. We split up briefly but the temporary boost that came when we got back together was short lived. He understandably claimed the lack of sex drive was due to living with my parents and then flat mates, but when we bought our own home things still didn’t improve. He then claimed that me being on the pill was a turn off as we were considering starting a family, but when I eventually came of the pill he said he was then to scared to have sex incase I got pregnant (which was our plan). I know he must have some sort of sex drive because I constantly find links to porn if I ever borrow his phone to Google something and when we talk he claims he would be happy with sex twice a week (I’m lucky if we have sex twice a month) but he’s never interested. I’ve lost all confidence in approaching him for sex and have taken to buying batteries instead.
The worst part is that this guy is the most caring and considerate guy I have ever know, he is the perfect partner except for his lack of sex drive! Rant over!

I am a 59 year old woman who has been celibate for 20 years now. At the time I had just broken up with the best lover and friend (male) I ever had. He betrayed my trust, and that put me into the asexual category for 20 years until a few months ago when I thought I only had 5 years to live. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure stage C. Then a month later after drug treatments my doctor thinks I may have actually had broken heart syndrome as my heart is almost back to normal function! Broken heart syndrome = The heart changes shape and goes whacko then returns to normal. I am taking all kinds of BP and water pills and antidepressants but regardless of what all the medical books say my libido is up and running better than before!

It is good I have lots of self control or I would have been prowling the streets. I have always, since I was 5, had an active libido. Always had lots of sex with one partner at a time. Yes multiple orgasms are real and wow! Always experimented. Sex was openly-discussed and laughed about in my home growing up. I was molested twice but was able to tell my parents. I have issues with addictions. I have quit many addictions but sex was the last remaining one and will be the toughest to end. I quit 40 years of smoking and changed my eating to fresh and raw for my health. Now I am left with this dilemma. Life is a constant challenge, and I got a second chance to live it.

I’m was with the same man for 36 years. I am 58 years old and in a fairly new relationship and realize that we are still in the exploration phase, but, I believe that my extremely hypersexual libido is beginning to become a problem for our relationship. Any suggestions or advice would be welcomed.
We are completely open and discuss everything. Our sexual encounters have resulted in many “firsts” for me! I’m sure this only heightens my desires. He is willing to do anything it
takes to satisfy me and we have done things neither of us have done before.

With all that being said, during our talks, he has stated that we can’t keep up this pace everyday because, after all he does have to work and we are only getting between 4 and 6 hours sleep daily because of this. He has jokingly asked me if I think I might be a nympho? He most recently stated that we should limit things to either morning or night/not both, but he is concerned about leaving me unsatisfied?

I’ve never experienced this level of desire before in a relationship. We joke about this wearing off, but, my libido, has increased exponentially over the last month or two with no slowing in sight. I believe sometimes he is a little reluctant to initiate things that will get me “started” for fear of the length of time the sexploration will continue.
I may be wrong, but, I don’t find that keeping it soft and slow until O reduces my desire any differently than hard and fast though I think he believes it intensifies my want for more.
I am a fairly intelligent woman and realize that 10 to 30 orgasms a day is probably not normal.
I have been told that I am very orgasmic, very hypersexual with giving as well as receiving (both resulting in my pleasure), and humping even in my sleep even after hours of sex prior to slumber
I love this man and don’t want to damage this relationship, don’t want to become asexual or be a nympho. PLEASE ADVISE!!!

This is really eye opening to even hear women with high libidos, let alone suffering from it.

I thought i was alone with this problem. I am a 51 year old woman with a very high sex drive. I am married since aug of this year. My husband an i have been together for three years and I knew his sex drive was low and he knew my sex is very high. I am the initiator 100 % of the time and am turn down cold more often then not. What I dont understand is how he can be so hard its crazy and he can get up and go to work no problem while I’m practically squirming.My husband and I have an amazing relationship, our arguments all stem from the sex problem. I feel very undesirable, unsexy, and he makes me feel like I am a dirty old woman. I am not sure what to do anymore, I love my husband very much but something has got to give.

Hi all, I’m still early 20’s but I experienced quite a lot. I made a bad decision last time. I moved in with my bf (ex-bf now. Thank God)
I always tried so hard to get his attention. No matter what I wear, what I did, even I beg for sex, he always said that he is tired. I feel so insecure because of that. I feel not attractive enough, I feel not sexy, it just crushed me. And after 1 year plus. I have decided to break up with him. Cause I realized that its not healthy at all for me. And I want to be happy. So I broke up with him. He was so angry cause he didn’t feel that anything is wrong with our relationship.

After 7 months single, I found my current bf. He just makes me happy, he is funny, I love his personality, his humour, his look, and he is just so honest about everything. He is not the romantic kind of person who buys me flowers and flatters me all the time. But his action is just breathtaking. I just want to let you all know. That everyone of us deserve to be happy and doesn’t deserve to feel unwanted. We shouldn’t beg for sex. Cause if he loves you, he will be happy to do it. You can request for it sometimes, but he must do it without the feeling that he is obligated to do it. If you are married, I think you should talk to him about it. Or go to a couple’s teraphy. Cause I believe that sex is really important for a happy life. Cheers!

I thought I was alone and despite the rejections almost every night he makes me feel like I’m a freak
Why should I have to argue or discuss why I want him and need him and just doesn’t get it he just doesn’t feel like it Hurst so much the pain is crucial and feel ugly and gross I can’t take it anymore

After being out of a relationship for about 7 years, I have finally met an awesome guy in which I really want to be with. I am not into casual sex, and problems with my sex drive had not been an issue when celibate. But now that I am with someone I really like, my sex drive has taken over in a big way (my last relationship was like that too). Problem is this relationship is new and having a high sex drive is interfering with it. In fact, it may put an end to it. My partner has asked me to slow down, stating it is “overwhelming”. I think he understands that I am struggling with it, and that I would desperately like to suppress it in order to give this relationship a fair chance. I am going to speak with my doctor, and start drinking spearmint tea (read somewhere 2 cups a day may work). I thought about chasteberry, but heard it only works on reducing men’s libido.

I am incredibly young (early twenties) and my husband and I have been together since we were seventeen. You would think since we are so young and early in our marriage (year and a half) that the sex would be frequent and enjoyable.
I feel silly, especially after reading some of the comments, but we have sex maybe once a week and I practically have to beg for it. And whenever it is we have sex it’s short and only satisfy in the sense of it gets the jobs done but isn’t toe curling.
I absolutely hate having to ask for it all the time and only to still have him find some way out of it.

I’ve suffered from having higher sex drive than most of my partners all my life. It makes me crazy to see the media portrayal of sex-crazed men. I think it’s a sop to male ego to think of themselves as always wanting and being ready for sex. Not only me, but most of the women I know want sex more than our partners. Now that I’m over 60, I know of a lot of couples who just don’t have any at all, due to the man’s inability or disinterest. Sad. This is one of the great free things of life! In my own life, what has helped is a regular “date” of once a week so I have something to look forward to. He is tired in the evenings and I’m not a morning person, so we have Sunday afternoons as our play time. If I didn’t set this up, I don’t think we would have sex for weeks and weeks at a time. He is not interested in testosterone evaluation, more’s the pity.

I am 24 I’ve been with my partner 1year and 2months and my partner has a very low sex drive too and I also have to beg for it , besides the sex life we have a brilliant relationship I adore him and so does my little one I feel so bad being rejected it feels so good too see there is others women out there that are dealing with this too ? x

I was single all through my 20’s and had a very active and satisfying sex life with several different partners and one long term relationship. It seemed that men were only interested in sex and not much else. Then I met the man who would become my husband. We had sex a couple of times a week but, while comforting and cuddly, he never could nor had the desire to satisfy my need to orgasm. I justified the situation because I love him and he is a wonderful person in so many ways who is very appreciative of me and my efforts in work, home, my appearance, etc. Now, after more than 20 years together his sex drive is just about non existent. When it does happen every few months it’s a quickie on a weekend morning that lasts maybe 3 minutes. Although I’ve talked with him many times about my need for affection, which doesn’t have to include intercourse, I’m slowly dying inside from the physical rejection. I’ve come to believe that he has deep seated hang ups about sex or he would at least have a desire to satisfy me. I’ve even asked outright if he is gay and he adamantly denies it, but I wonder even though I’ve never seen him exhibit any indicative behavior. I’ve also realized that his selfishness in bed does spill over into other parts of our life. I’m actually glad menopause is starting because I care less. So, my take away from all of this is that if I had it to do over again I would not have married this man. There were signs of his lack of interest when we were younger but because I love him and we were building a life together I stuck with him. To the woman who posted that is soon to be married to such a person my advice it to think carefully and be honest with yourself about what you need and realize that he will not change. Once your life is intertwined over the course of decades leaving is so complicated you may find yourself where I am. I’m glad that at least I’m not alone – reading these posts is somehow comforting and I realize I’m not crazy.

With no doubts at all after talking to loads of male friends and certainly more than five Doctors. The stress of office life is a key factor. The change since I started in the City in 1968 is pretty dramatic.

My 32 year old bf has zero desire for sex. I think he might be gay. I’m in my 40s and in my prime. He is a great guy in every way but says he doesn’t feel a great sensation from orgasming. I’m lost he can’t even enjoy masturbation. It’s not normal. I love him and he loves me but this is destroying me. I’ve tried to talk to him he swears he is not gay and I know he loves me but sex is a chore for him. It takes so much to get him aroused and then it’s so hard for him to orgasm. And if and when he does orgasm he doesn’t moan or say a word.
So hurt n lost n lonely and mad.

Lost in love

Can not believe I am not the only one going through this! I thought I was some type of weirdo with some kind of hormonal imbalance. I have never been so jealous of a computer screen. My husband and I have had many arguments about how low his sex drive is and how high mine is… Yet I have always had a hard time believing that he has a low drive when he always seems to make time to please himself.

Why not just take care of it with me?? It always leaves me thinking that there’s something wrong with me. Being rejected so many times has taken a toll on my self-esteem. But I am just glad I’m not alone.

My thoughts are, and clarify they are my thoughts from a man’s perspective. Men are much more fragile then women realize in my ego Department expecially when it comes to sex. Many times a woman with a high sex drive may appear to the man as not being sexually satisfied by him. Men need to be confirmed verbally a lot, that they are satisfying their spouse. So if it comes off unknowingly by the wife to the husband as in more means not satisfied or afterwards there’s no confirmation of satisfaction then it can drive the man away. My suggestion is that wife let them know the reason why there and such a high drive is because you turn me on husband I want you you satisfy me you rock my world and I want more more. I think a man that desires his wife and feels like he is putting it down wants it more. I guarantee you that most of the cases a feeling of inadequacy. The other case could be sexually just low on testosterone and he ain’t got it and may need supplements things like that

This is fascinating, as there is such a variety of sexual appetites. Just before I was married, sex was every day, often more than once. Moments after marriage, this ended immediately. I could not believe it, as I wanted to have sex each night before we slept, (and still the odd time spontaneously). Well it came down to mercy sex once a month, and finally after 14 years I had to leave the marriage (not just over the sex) however. I am 58 now, and I still want to have sex every day. I want to find a partner that would enjoy love making at least two or three (or more) times a week. This is difficult, but I think there is nothing better for the mind, body and soul. It is healthy but the drives appear to vary so much. Good luck to all.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Any of you women with this “abnormal, high sex drive.” That’s bullshit. You aren’t a nympho. A real sex addict needs sex in a much different way than craving their significant other through out the day. Ditch the guy. If he wants a girl with no libido, which would actually be abnormal then good luck to him. Women are very sexual beings. It’s biological. Also, his unwillingness to please you sexually has zero to do with the way you look. His abnormally low libido is the problem. Find a guy with a normal libido, or request your guy get checked for a heart problem. Ladies, top blaming yourself for your jerk boyfriends.

OMG…. I’m not the only one…. So what do I do now, though. I’m going crazy.

I’m only 25 my s.o. Is 28. We have been together for five years. Sex was great for the first year but, I later learnt that it was a show to try to keep me. Now, im lucky if its once a week. My sex drive has always been extremely high. I try porn but I feel gross and guilty after, I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel his constant rejection is killing my lust for him. I recently began to feel grossed out by sexual touching and kissing, only on occasion, but is occurring more often. I know I am young and I can find someone else but, his constant “I’m in pain, it’s killing the mood “, is killing it for me, and making me feel ugly and unwanted. I try to scare him by telling him about the men hitting on me. I think that is a lost cause. I’m running out of options, and am having a hard time weighing out if it’s worth it.

I’m glad I found this site and all the comments… I felt frustrated and alone for the past two years or maybe three…I just know that ever since we bought a house his sex drive is so much lower than mine. I don’t think I’m even asking for much. Since we are so busy with work and social life, 2-3 times a week is decent for me….now its more like 1 time every 2 weeks. He doesn’t like me nagging about it so my next step is to stop and see if he initiates…. it will be hard because I am so verbal… I think I saw some warning signs in terms of his culture and how his parents relationship was terrible growing up (his dad had mistresses every moment he could and his mom always took him back)… We have been together for 24 years and he always initiated in the beginning… I always thought when we got older sex woukd be more frequent and its not. I would like to grow old with him…but I am in my prime and I keep fantasizing about having a secret lover but I don’t believe in living a lie. Perhaps therapy and a physical checkup on his end will help us get back to normal. I don’t think we all should live our lives suffering over something that makes us connected and is readily accessible. I would give up my over priced home for more sex and intimacy back in the smaller apartment… We have no children and he has a stable job…no time for an affair..but he does play video games for hours on end…all he says is that he is tired all the time and I go to bed too late. I have even tried initiating on weekend morning’s… Once in a while that works… Stay tuned…

I know this feeling all to well, but, what has made it worse is porn. I’ve never minded it until recently, I watch it myself from time to time. Lately though, I’ve found my boyfriend far more likely to jerk off to porn then try to initiate anything. What worse is now I’m so screwed up I don’t even know if I can initiate. He says I’m far to interested in sex, and when were not having it we fight. But, instead of allowing himself to maybe feel pent up and horny he watches porn. I’m losing my mind. I need to feel like he wants to indulge that he feels like I’m attractive, but, I’ve hit the point where I’ve stopped trying to ask for it, and I’m not getting it. I love him… I love him so much, but, I need sex. I’ve never felt jealous of a computer before, but, now… now I feel like shit as soon as he excuses himself to his computer chair.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to say that I need it, because he’s put something out there that says I’m too focused… but, I don’t want to anything dumb.

I’ve had similar experiences. Women should read the writing on the wall the minute a man advises them that they need sex too often, that there is something wrong with them for having strong sexual desires. To me this is a control issue. Withholding sex, denying sex and judging the wanting partner for wanting it is just a dishonest method of fighting. Passive aggression. You cannot win an argument that is disguised as something else. Chances are that whatever is going on in his head has little or nothing to do with YOU. Please try to find a way to break away from this type of relationship. It’s pretty much guaranteed that you will lose the ability to experience joy with this type of man. If your lover refuses to see a doctor or therapist (with or without you) about an issue that is so damaging, your relationship is already dead except for the “amen.” Leave while you still have an ego. Leave before you feel an absolute need to have other men take sexual notice of you in order to feel desired. Leave before you take them up on it, possible to your own peril. Like yourself again and just leave.

I am in the exact same situation! I have a high sex drive, I would love to do it at least once a day, but unfortunately my boyfriend prefers to masturbate to porn. It just makes me feel so disgusting and ugly, cause from what I understand he was very sexual in his past relationships, but 90 percent of the time I initiate I get rejected. I just dont know what to do anymore. I shouldnt have to compete with every random hooker that puts her bare ass on the internet. Im pretty sure if tbe situation was reversed, and i was leaving him sexually neglected in favor of a vibrator this would be a whole other story. Im pretty sure whoever said that women have lower sex drives was just the man rejecting them trying to condone their behavior.

As far back as I can remember, my sex drive has always been very high. I have struggled with a sex addiction for all of my adult life. It has caused me to do some risky things in early adulthood. I have since then learned how to manage it enough to where I am not making bad decisions or frankly, looking for my next lay. It is very difficult to explain this part of me to someone, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. It has been an issue with virtually every man I have been with. I am 33, in a long term exclusive relationship with a 21 year old guy… and sometimes he can’t even handle me. I am hesitant to try medications because I fear that I won’t be myself. I do find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, nor some sort of mutant. Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences!

Meaning since my first sex encounter of 19 years old and my first thoughts and feelings of pleasure since the age of 7 or 8.

I’m 51 years old. I have been having sex since I was 19 years old. I have an extremely high sex drive and it has never stopped. Not a day goes by that I do not want an orgasm or at least 3. Now I can control it, (don’t want to, but I can) and not leave the house without having 3 orgasms before I leave for work, but I rarely do. Having the ‘O’ is so good for your immune system and your outlook on life that if there is no man around (in the morning there never is because I don’t do sleep overs) then I take care of it myself. Nothing like a man and the real thing, so thank goodness there’s plenty of that to do around in the evening and on the weekends. But it consumes my private thoughts when I’m on break, driving, shopping, sleeping. When I work I work and always concentrate on that, but I am continually vibrating and ready to go. Some men that that I have been with find this unbelievable. Some men that I haven’t been with feel the same. They call me the energizer bunny. I don’t think it’s a problem, but I surprise myself at times that I have been this way since before my first sex encounter. At least since the age of 7 or 8.

I thought I, was a nympho at one time. But think about it, he knew you were like this when you met him. Maybe he feels he can’t keep up! It is not that he is not interested! His pride is in the way. Other men do find you lovely. He enjoys that attention. But unless he is Idris Elba, he may not have it in that department. Your hormones are working overtime and some medications can control them. If this has interfered with you mental well-being then ask a psychiatrist. A medical doctor, at least here in America, will think you don’t have a problem. Certain anti-depressants will help with may very well be a sex addiction. For me, I knew that this was taking way too much of my life. I did what my mother told me to do, I prayed on it for two weeks. One morning I work up, it was gone, forever. Not that I don’t like sex, but it is no longer if I don’t have it I will explode issue for me. It does not run my life anymore, and does not define who I am. I used to be afraid of it coming back, which is why many pretty women become fat, but I am no longer shamed by my former sexuality. I learned moderation is the key to everything.

Thank you for your posting. In fact I did pray abt my sex drive that outdoes my husband’s. One night very fervently and a few following nights I prayed that He would grant the request. It seemed to work for a while but again my desire consumes me. Not only that but also now I’m resentful at my husband how unfair and insensitive he has been with me. I feel conquered by this chain and my bitterness….

I’m about to get married in a few months and this is an ongoing problem that really upsets me. There is definitely not enough advice or enough studies about higher sex drives in women. The bulk of advice I’ve read is about men’s higher sex drives and women struggling with that and it makes me feel abnormal and undesirable. I’m 31 and when we first got together (5 years ago), we were having great, regular sex. I really thought I’d met someone who I was going to have amazing sex with for the rest of my life and it would only get better. The truth is, we now only have sex 2-3 times/month and I’m in desperate need for more sex. If I try to broach the subject, he gets annoyed and says he would be more in the mood if I didn’t bring it up and it’s not ‘attractive’ to hear me speak that way. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried his approach and nothing changes. We do bicker and I’m a passionate person, so I say what I think, but we also have a very loving relationship and have a lot of fun together. It puts worries in my mind about marrying him, but I don’t want to leave him. We love each other to bits and there is a lot of cuddling, holding hands, kissing every day (but he’s usually just interested in a peck). I’ve even started to worry he’s gay, but don’t think he is. Then I question my sexual abilities, but have never had that feeling from other partners. I seem to be attractive to other men and he tells me he is very attracted to me, so why no sex? It really dents my confidence…particularly when I initiate and he turns me down (I’ve never experienced that before). Help!! Does anyone else feel this way or is in a similar situation? Please share.

Feels like I’m reading my own story… Thank you for sharing. I am getting immense help and comfort from reading these ladies’ stories here. Even how your partner reacts and says is the same. Guess this issue is universal across ethnicity, culture, and age. I know it is painful but I would reconsider the marriage. It wreaks havoc on the marriage. My husband and I are just perfect except the sex issue (at least to me. He doesn’t realize how serious this issue is. No ideas it’s to this extent. It’s killing me secretly.)
He is in early 40s and tells me his friends couples have sex once a month etc. Some of those couples don’t have sex for the entire pregnancy, etc. my sex drive is making me feel even more miserable and rejected since I became pregnant. My husband abstains (not even abstain bc it doesn’t require any control or effort for him not to have sex) from sex since we discovered the pregnancy.

This one explained my situation completely! Especially the bringing it up aspect, we try to not mention it for a few weeks and nothing changes! they just seem happy we’ve stopped. We wear sexy undies, we shave all kinds of dif ways, we change our hair, we lose weight… And nothing. We know they love us, as we love them, but we just can’t comprehend why they don’t want to have sex. I hope their becomes a cure for this in the future. I’ve had the coil fitted as I’ve heard that can lower the drive! I’ll keep you all posted.

Hope you had a lovely wedding and fingers crossed your problem’s fixed. I think couples counselling is probably the best route for us all, it can give your guy the opportunity to see that we aren’t sex crazy or asking for the world. :) x

@unhappybride I am exactly in the same situation as you are- except I am not about to marry my ‘lazy’ man. He is a lovely boyfriend that cuddles and kisses me, just not having sex, at all! I am satisfying myself, but it doesn’t compare with the real thing and I also feel guilty, but I can’t help it because being horny all the time makes me go mad.. Don’t feel unattractive, you said it yourself- other men notice you!

Like every one else I have a very high sex drive my partner & I have been together for 3 years and have 2 children together, the 1st week was great, but now there is nothing once every 2 or 3 months it’s killing me he doesn’t even do anything when it comes to sex just lays on his back doing nothing, while I do all the work, he doesn’t do anything else literally no oral or even touching, I can’t handle it anymore, we fight a lot & I think this could be why I wish there was something I could do but I can’t handle this anymore

Here’s the thing, I’d love to figure out how to recognize others with a higher than average libido.
Like these ladies, unfortunately, I’ve always had a high libido.
I wish, and I’m sure these ladies would agree, that there was some research that could show what to look for in people’s personalities that might give a “wise” person an inkling of an idea, that the person he/she is dealing with is a good candidate for a higher level of sexual activity.

It does get soooooo very frustrating not being satisfied in this area. After all –
This Level of INTIMACY is huge in a relationship… At least, it is to me!

Does anyone know of any study done or have any thoughts on how to increase
the chance of being with a similar person? If you do I’d surely like to hear!

PS: Like several of the ladies here… I too am into monogamous relationships only.

Ooo! So I’m not in this alone? Women; we are suffering. I developed interest in sex after birth. We’ve married for two years but together for twelve years. We are in our late twenty’s, he was very active in sex when we were dating but i was not and he made me like it . Now that i want to do it more he is always busy with work or tired and rans from it. I always have to initiate it. At time he even says my sex drive is too high therefore he will stop doing it and sleep. We sometimes do it once in a week or in two weeks. So what should I do because I love him soo much and don’t want to leave?

I am 39 years old and my husband is 32. I have a very high sex drive and I feel like it’s unnormal! We have been married 8 years but together 13 years. We have 4 children and life is great but not the sex. We use to have sex 4-5 times a day and now it’s 3-4 times a week and that’s still not enough for me. His sex drive has went down since he started on his high blood pressure medicine and he barely wants it. I’m going crazy!! I don’t want no one else but him and I need help because I’m constantly lusting for him.

Angela, a close female friend had the same problem, she was constantly craving sex and her husband was exhausted. She had to have it several times a day! Finally she tried the right mixture of herbal treatment and her drive reduced down to a more manageable level. Try a doctor that is into herbal medicine. Your strong drive can be controlled.

Again wow, I can’t believe there are so many women with the same or similar stories. In previous relationships I’ve had a moderate sex drive but I always felt satisfied. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 8months he’s 28 and I’m 23 until recently we’ve been having sex a couple of times a day and it was great! He was amazing at foreplay and was really interested in making sure I was having a good time. I was usually the one who initiated but he was always ready to go. Lately though when I initiate he rejects me says maybe later babe and continues
To plau on his phone! The rejection kills me, it hurts me so bad and he has NO idea. I feel ugly and undesirable and it makes me question the rest of our relationship that’s otherwise pretty great! I start being distant and grumpy which makes him leave me alone even more! I don’t know what to do? We’ve talked about before but then I think he’s only having sex with me because I asked him to not because he wants to! I feel like I’m such a complainer amd I should probably just be happy with what I have, which is truely a wonderful man!

This is honestly the most frustrating problem. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I really love him, and we get along really well. He’s my best friend, but he’s almost never in the mood and I keep feeling rejected because of how little sex we have. The first six months of our relationship were amazing, with us having sex around twice a week. Now I think the last time was around two months ago. I’m going insane, and I don’t know how to help it. He keeps suggesting we try an open relationship since we both feel bad about our difference in libido, but i’m just not comfortable with it. I don’t even want to initiate anything anymore just because I know i’m going to get shot down. I love him very much but I just really need the intimacy that comes with sex

I have this same issue with my boyfriend. We’re both 19 and going to school. We both work and so sometimes our schedules are just really messed up. I understand the wanting without receiving thing. I also understand that I bring a lot of it on myself because I don’t talk about my feelings on the subject with him. I’m a shy person so I have a problem expressing myself verbally. I write him erotic stories a lot because of this (I’m an English major). I think on some level he knows what I want but doesn’t know how to address it. I just really feel the need to point out to a lot of people that having a high sex drive isn’t bad and you shouldn’t look to decrease it. There’s something called masturbating. There’s also something called communication. I know this sounds hypocritical because I myself don’t talk to my partner about these things, but I have plenty of friends who have the balls to do it and it makes their lives easier. Talk to your partner about how you feel. Write sexy notes. Don’t feel abnormal or like you shouldn’t want to get freaky with your boo. Sex is fun. It’s okay to want sex.

I’m 39 and my husband is 42. My sexual desire is through the roof right now. My husband I work opposite shifts and he works a lot of weekends. So, we only have sex on the weekends when he’s not working. My husband is fine with having sex once or twice during the weekend the same way every time. I’m going nuts!!!! I think about sex all the time. I fantasize about different ways and different places. I want to try new things, spice it up, and be spontaneous. I want him to want me and do things to me and vice versa. I want him all the time but I don’t get the same back from him. I don’t know what to do. I want him on my level or to decrease my urges. I’m willing to put as much effort into making him enjoy everything. I feel we have sex just to get him off and let him release. He does reciprocates at times but it just makes me want him more. I read about sex, want to learn new things sexually, I feel that I’m obsessed. He doesn’t understand my feelings and urges.

I am 29 my husband is 25. I have a crazy high sex drive. He’s a good sport in this matter only because he’s a great husband and does whatever makes me happy but I feel like it’s too much. We have sex almost everyday. He has to wake up at 4am every morning and most of the time I don’t get off work till 10pm but he still is up most nights sets an alarm to wake up in case he falls asleep. Yes I’m very appreciative for this but I feel horrible cause he don’t get sleep and I know I don’t “make” him, I’m not holding a gun to his head or anything but I know how he is and he will do anything to make me happy. If he don’t wait up or fall asleep I feel like he don’t find me attractive or don’t like it.

I’ve read about 20+ comments and I can’t believe how many woman are going through this especially young woman (makes it very suspicious btw). I’ve been in both situations but if I would have to pick I would rather have my partner be chasing me all the time (which can be so frustrating) for sex than being rejected.
I was married for 6 years with my first husband and he would always reject me after we had 1 1/2 years together he would always say he was tired and turn his back while we slept and I would turn around to cry I do remember he would hear me but would just fall asleep. He was (or is) a porn addict and he would rather masturbate than to be with me. The only reason we had sex is because he couldn’t take more than two weeks without intercourse, I was his sex toy and I felt I was being used. Three years ago he called it quits. I remember two months after he said he wanted a divorce he found out there was a guy trying to get at me and he wanted me back but I didn’t. I was so tired out not being wanted. There was times I felt I was his roommate or sister not his lover and wife.
Then I met my bf which he was the whole opposite. He was all over me all the time and wanting sex everyday and I did too I was over the moon I love how he is in bed making me feel the only girl in the world, until I started finding myself so tired of the everyday work, I had 3 kids and was pregnant with the fourth at the time, so I would tell him I didn’t want sex I just wanted to cuddle and share how was my day before going to bed. He didn’t like it and would get mad and say he will do the same thing to me for when I want sex which he did once or twice because he couldn’t resist Hahaha… We are still together and have sex 4-5 times a week and we are very happy with that. But it took him a bit to understand me that I take care of the house and kids by myself with no help from him.
I told him “I don’t get you men. You guys complain about the wives not doing much for the marriage to stay alive, the wife doesn’t dress nice, do their hair and makeup anymore. And hardly want sex, well it’s because most men don’t want to lift a finger in the home and by the end of the day we are exhausted.” I took him two years (mostly spent fighting, leaving each other for a few days and coming back, until I got fed up with the situation and called it quits but he wouldn’t let go so he didn’t have much choice than to compromise) and just now we are starting to get along and compromise without much fuss. We are very happy.

Oh my God!!!! Finally! I heaved a huge sigh of relief after reading this article and the comments here! I m not the only one! And I thought I was a sex maniac. I m married for the last 8years and 99% of the time its me who initiates the whole thing! But now I am really tired its like I feel like a hoe trying to seduce him all the time and most of the time get rejected by him dozing off right away or by telling me that he does not feel 100%. He seems more interested and excited to wash linen and the dishes than sit and have a cup of coffee with me! I love him so much that I cannot bear to think of a life without him! And my this strange desire is only for him! I was never attracted to any other guy sexually before I met him and even now I dont get that feeling for anyone else! Its only my man I go head over heels but it really hurts when he never tries to initiate it. Forget the sex he is also not the physical types he would not come and hug you and kiss you or tease you or even cuddle with you unless you start it off! I get the feeling that I force myself on him. Nowadays the act is also not very enjoyable for me as these silly thoughts have affected my mind. We have a daughter and hardly get time to spend with each other. No one to baby sit her so our life has almost ended as a couple! We are just parents to my 5 yr old! Thats it! Otherwise he is a great partner and has never hurt me directly. I used to feel so depressed, unwanted, ugly and I felt so undignified and humiliated! But now I thinks its normal! Guess I have to live with this and search for something that makes me stop craving for sex!!!

I am 25 and my husbands 29, I am so frustrated not only because my sex drive is higher; the thing is he’s a vegetarian and I always try to make him hi protein food but most of the time we eat past or whatever… my problem is I know he has a high sex drive because, or I thought he did because I know he watches porn, my problem is that if I’m not home he watches porn when he needs release but then he doesn’t want to have sex that day, we are newly weds and now having sex at least once a week it’s too much, I love him and I understand he’s really busy working, and I supper him and we get along wonderfully, but why? because he doesn’t wanna excersise or whatever it makes me so so mad and rejected because doesn’t matter how much I touch my self I can be with him right away, but he prefers to watch porn and get over his needs of release… I’ve talked to him about this and I know he doesn’t like it, but it makes me feel horrible, I feel like a man

I’m 32 and I’ve never really had a sex drive. Eight months ago I met my soul mate. He makes me feel like I’m complete. We married in Nov. And I never noticed how much I desired him, that was until we stopped having sex. Most nights I lay awake crying just wanting to feel him pull me close to him. And hold me in his arms, as much as I would love to feel the way he makes love to me, I would melt inside with him just holding me. This feels like it’s tearing me apart. He is an amazing man inside and out. I wish I could change this, to know what I have done wrong. Sometimes I pray for my desire to have sex to be gone. I tell myself I never missed it before, so why can’t I just forget about it now. I love my husband with my soul and don’t wont to lose him because of sex. I don’t know what to do.

I can’t believe there are so many women who share the same problems with me. I’m 20 and my boyfriend is 23. Before I met him I was never very interested in sex but he is the best lover I’ve ever had. Since we’ve been dating my sex drive has increased dramatically. We used to have sex everyday, sometimes twice and now I’m lucky to get it every couple of weeks.

He works really hard and he says it has lowered his sex drive but mine has constantly been increasing. He keeps telling me that I need to be the one to initiate it but the times that I do I get rejected. We fight about this constantly and it’s the only problem we have but I’m tired of crying myself to sleep while he just lays there snoring, completely oblivious to my pain.

He doesn’t understand why it hurts me so much but I can’t stand feeling so rejected and unattractive. It makes me feel pitiful and jealous and even suspicious towards him. I can’t handle feeling like this anymore, there has to be some happy medium… How can I lower my sex drive? At least now I know I’m not alone in this situation.

Hi I’m 29 and I also seriously thought I was alone with this issue. My previous relationships have been based on good sex and in other areas we didn’t get along. Now I have found the love of my life, my husband, and now I have all the love and support I always wanted from a partner. But he has no interest in sex. His idea of sex is that only and ONLY the missionary position is sex. You rush to the end as quickly as possible, everything else is a waste of time that he does not get.

I have pretty advanced sexual preferences and feel like I’m stuck at Mario Cart level 1. I have tried to talk to him but he refuses to discuss the topic. He says that he is sorry I feel he can’t satisfy me but that he can do nothing about it.

He does not think there is a problem. I always find myself take the initiative to sex but I’ve been turned down so many times I’ve stopped asking. It’s been 5 months now and I also cry myself to sleep totally rejected. I feel so perverted, ugly and worthless as a woman. I have a hard time not falling in to the arms of another man or woman who shows me interest. I can’t imagine myself living the rest of my life without sex but I don’t want to cheat on him, I love him and our life too much. What can I do?

I can’t help but ask, where are all these women who desire sex so much at? I have looked high and low, and the best I can ever seem to find is a woman who wants it once a week, if even that. I did find one woman who claimed she really liked sex and wanted it a lot. After a few weeks with me, she basically admitted defeat, as it were. The problem was I was holding back as well, I still wanted more. I know it’s purely anecdotal, but it’s my experiences that, even if the woman does really enjoy sex, the man always seems to want it more. I haven’t been proven wrong so far, so it’s difficult for me to take this article too seriously because of my experienced.

*sigh* it makes me sad to read all these similar stories. I’m a 35 year old woman and I’m going through this too. I’ve ALWAYS had a high sex drive. I’m not looking for Super Man, but at least someone that’s not a selfish lover.

I’m in a relationship with a man that I love, but these sexual problems have caused so many issues…I’m not in love with him anymore. The issues started 6 months into the relationship. Before then everything was great. He’s a caring and loving person, but no matter what I say or how I try to express to him that this hurts me…he just doesn’t get it. He gets frustrated with me because I always feel like this is somehow my fault.

I couldn’t help but feel that it was because he’s not attracted to me anymore. We found out that he has HBP and I’m sure that’s the reason for the ED, but not for the total lack of libido. I try to be patient and understanding…I’m just tired of crying myself to sleep because he won’t touch me. I’m tired of initiating. Last time I decided to wait, just to see how long it would be. It was 5 months! The only reason it even happened then was because I lost it.

It’s happened once since then. We don’t even have sex once a month. I don’t know what else to do. He loves my daughter and I so much. We just moved in together. I’m miserable. I just want someone who doesn’t mind showing me that I’m the one that he wants and desires. I feel so unattractive and unwanted. This has really taken a toll on my self esteem.

You might have mentioned in your post the answer. “fall into the arms of another man or woman”. A great many men are OK with their wife having a close female friend. In my case it has worked perfectly. I always thought of myself as straight but I became close to another young lady who seemed to be in the same situation as I. My husband knows about us and told me he has no problem with it as long as I am never with any other men and we are descreet. I am very lucky to have both my husband and this pretty lady in my life and it has made me very content with my life! Many would be shocked to know what our true relationship is, she is a past beauty pageant winner on the state level and so am I , so we are not a couple of dykes looking for a good time. We vacation together each year and its amusing when guys hit on us, if they only knew!

I just got married in January after 8 months of relationship. It’s the man of my dream I’m 24 he’s 34. At the beginning (the first 6 months) we had the best sex ever. He’s definitely the best lover I’ve ever had. Then 2 months before the wedding I was always the one initiating it then couple nights before the wedding I got rejected once… and twice… and then I started crying and telling him how I was feeling, how I was always the one that wanted sex and that he’d never make a move… and 10 min after he was snoring. He just moved in with me after the wedding and it is still that way. I don’t want to initiate it because I’m scared of rejection and I’m waiting for him to make a move but that never happens… So I end up crying every night in silence when I go to bed. And then reading all these posts scare me even more because I realized “this is true.. It is a real problem all around the world” I’m scared for my relationship cause I love him to death.

I wasn’t expecting to see all these posts. I am a 47 yr old woman. My boyfriend just (like tonight) packed his shit and left!! Partly due to our difference in the way we see sex and intimacy. I have had a strong sex drive forever! I’m a Leo! It’s in my blood! It’s how I’m wired. I guess the trouble I have is understanding how, if my partner says that he cares about my needs and I compromise and back off for weeks and wait for him to initiate intimacy, he can have intercourse with me and get himself off then leave me in limbo….once again.

He has never been one for foreplay. Well, of course he loves to receive but doesn’t ever give…in any way. I’ve tried to gently coach him and tell him what turns me on, but it has never changed.

So…to the young women, in your 20’s that have posted on this site, if you’re reading this, do NOT continue in a sexless relationship. Life is too short. Do not settle for mediocrity. Take your time picking your mate. It takes about 3 yrs to really get to know someone.

Lack of intimacy affects all other aspects of our lives, especially as women. Most men just don’t get this and that’s really a shame. My boyfriend doesn’t get it! He doesn’t want to get it, so therefore….SEE YA!! Over it! I would rather be alone!!!

You’re not in this alone, I’m in the same situation and recently it has gotten worse to where we’ve stopped speaking at all.

I feel exactly the same. It hurts so much. I to find myself crying while he snores. I’ve told him how I feel he says all I care about is sex. Truth is I have such a high sex drive because I love him so much. My drive was nowhere near this until I met him. My sex drive is tied to my emotions of love and want. I want him all the time. And I to find myself initiating every time. And being rejected by a snore. Maybe I am just in denial, he doesn’t want me. And i just wont take the hint.

Reading all of these posts has been a little comforting to know I’m not alone. I’ve been with my husband for 4 years I’m 43 he’s 48 and he was diagnosed with low T but doesn’t like the side effects to the meds which I understand. My sex drive is very high and his is the polar opposite. We’ve talked about it and he’s frustrated because he feels sex is all I want and as much as I enjoy it it’s also about the closeness I feel when we’re together which he doesn’t understand. What I know is I’m so tired of feeling rejected and unwanted I try not to initiate but apparently am still trying to much. I logged on here looking for natural ways to reduce my libido and ideas for coping. I can say it helps knowing I’m not alone…

I am going to try some of the ideas and have started to try refocusing myself on other things when the urge comes over. Thank you to everyone for being so candid it was truly helpful.

I am going through hell without sex in my life, it’s been 4yrs since we had sex and now we are just together for our 3yr old daughter and nothing else… It’s the worst feeling ever in a situation that I can’t help myself in any way. I am trying to kill myself rather than living my life this way. Its horrible feeling being rejected. I have no words to explain the pain am going through…

It’s difficult to understand what we go through..I am single..we broke up our relationship because my ex girlfriend complained that my sex drive irritates her and she can’t keep up with it..several medication have proved unsuccessful..I have to face reality that my frequent and unsatisfying sex drive is part of me, I can’t get rid of it, it’s just there to stay for a life time.

I will suggest another way to address the issue is to find partner with high libido which is quite difficult to find..I keep myself occupied with work, sports and reading but I still can’t control my sex drive during these activities..

Masturbation is good but the sensation, feeling and satisfaction is nothing compared to experience with the opposite partner..forums like this are helpful and I encourage individuals without high libido to be part of the discussion and shouldn’t impersonate as one have high libido..I am proud and I so much love my high libido and I encourage others to embrace them self and be proud of whom they are..

I want to thank people’s pharmacy for recognising us and extending a helping hand to us through these discussion forum..

I have been married for 17 years , my husband suffers from ED. When I try to initiate sex, he asks to be left alone; times like this I feel he rips out every shred of dignity that I have. Lately I have come to question the kind of relationship that we share. He says go masturbate!

He continues to stonewall every conversation by saying no one can talk to you. The fact is he does not want to talk about it. It is a big deal to me, cos it makes me question my relationship, feelings, grief etc. He shuts out everything with booze n more booze.

I keep reading that men are visual creatures, I seem to have shattered all the stereotypes, I find myself ogling muscular guys. I make more eye contact with the male species now than I have ever before; my choice of clothes have become daring perhaps indirectly I want him to sit up and look at me.

Lately he accuses me of having sex in my mind all the time, Why make sex trashy now, wasn’t it the same thing he wanted when he was a young buck
What recourse do I have?

What is a woman suppose to do!?!?! LOL!

I’m 26 and have had a very high sex drive as long as I’ve been sexually active, I too have the same issue with my current boyfriend and past relationships or flings… I honestly do know what to do about how to make it work but communicate and be very honest because I’ll rather me express my feelings to see if you’ll apply some type of change into my needs. Sex is an important role in every relationship and ppl put it off as if it isn’t. When a male or female is lacking something in the sex department their hunger for what they crave will get stronger and stronger and either 3 things will happen. 1. You’ll be an upset puppy for the rest if your life with your partner. 2. You’ll cheat. 3. You’ll end you breaking up… I’m honest with my partner but now it’s all about timing. ( everything doesn’t happen overnight.)

I’ve always been the one to initiate things with my husband. It makes me feel so unwanted, not good enough, not pretty, etc. btw I had injections of progesterone during my second pregnancy to help me go full term after my son was early. I had never heard of it affecting your sex drive before this article. Did not for me!

I am really upset by the statement “I always thought men wanted sex continuously”, quite infuriated in fact! Almost feels like feminism in reverse :p
First of all nobody wants sex continuously. Secondly we, men, are also people and sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t!!!
I also have the feeling that a lot of women take enjoyment in the fact that they have an option to deny sex. I am quite frankly to say – disgusted by that fact. It is just something I grew up with, having been told that women do not enjoy sex as much as men do. I am so pleased to find out now that there are actually women (and maybe a lot of them) who’s libido is higher than that of their husband’s/boyfriend’s. I feel that it’s Karma coming back!

So my husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. We are both very religious people, and as we believe it is wrong to have sex before marriage we waited until we were married. We discussed all aspects of sex before marriage including porn use (none allowed) and masturbation (none solo), but sex drive is hard to quantify for two virgin people.
I by and far have the stronger sex drive. I want it daily but I think he would have sex quarterly, if it was up to him, and other than the honeymoon period of a month when we were close to daily, it had been once a week. However in the last year it has crept more towards once or twice a month. We are still talking to figure out a good level for our relationship. Ironically, he is extremely intimate, we are always hugging and cuddling, and he gives me massages, and we often lay naked together.
I truly believe that in any relationship there will be compromises. You are taking two different people and trying to form one relationship. As such, sex is one of those that requires compromise for most couples. If there is true affection and desire for the other person’s happiness, then you can handle having sex a little less often than you would like, or a little more often. I strongly disagree with several comments about get a divorce and move on. There is no perfect mate, and there will always be compromising. Unless there is abuse or one of the spouse has checked out of the relationship and is no longer willing to work on the relationship, I see no reason to try ‘greener pastures’.
Here’s the rub for me. If the man in the relationship has the higher sex drive, well it’s pretty easy for a woman to participate in sex. Yes it takes energy, but depending on position, she doesn’t have much she needs to do, and if necessary can even fake an orgasm. The vice versa is not equal. When the woman has the higher sex drive she has to excite the man sufficient to get an erection. Heterosexual sex doesn’t work well without an erection! :-) Thus the disadvantage!
How does a man, who wants to give sex more often perform? He doesn’t! He knows his body is too tired, or that JR won’t be performing that night. So rather than being embarrassed when Jr doesn’t activate, he says no. Woman feels rejected, and man (should) feels horrible for making her feel that way! Thus start of the ugly cycle, she feels worse and pulls away, and he feels worse and has even lower libido, she only makes half hearted requests, because it doesn’t hurt so bad when he says no…again! He has even less excitement to get Jr up. He requests that he initiates all sex and further hurts woman, and so on!
My suggestion: have a long talk, discuss porn use, masturbation, frequency of sexual desire, how often does each person think of sex, sexual orientation, ect. Then try to find a mid ground.
For my husband and I it has been weekly, way less for me, and way more for him. Then commit fully to uphold that. Don’t go looking for other paths. If I need something more, then he pleasures me with his hands, and the same can work the other way. In my opinion, everything sexual should be done together. Even if only one is being pleasured due to lack of interest from the other. That way I am still feeling loved and treasured by my husband and not turning to a vibrator, porn or another person while he is out watching TV or out at the office or whatever! That way it is still a ‘couple event’ and still building our relationship. Then next week or next month sit down and talk again. How is it working? How do both feel? And make adjustments accordingly. Most likely you won’t strike the perfect balance the first time, and needs and desires change, as does health.
A piece of advice that I found. The classical path to sex follows these 4 steps: 1. Sexual thought: this can be seeing your spouse in a sexual way, a fantasy, or some other sexual trigger. 2. Sexual desire: the thought triggers feelings in you body making you want sex. 3. The sexual act/release whether by masturbation or by intercourse, it’s some kind of release. 4. The let down (I can’t remember the technical term) where your body relaxes after the release. A lot of people follow this path and it is what Hollywood teaches. Woman walks in with a lacy lingerie on, man gets excited they have sex.
However there is evidence some people do not follow this in order, they mix up 1 and 2. In other words seeing an image or hearing something flirtatious or seductive, doesn’t get them going. However if a sexual feeling is aroused then the sexual desire can be triggered, and the following steps ensue! I would suggest this might be some of the guys who don’t have a problem with Jr, but just never are in the mood, tired, etc.
In other words we call it the five minute rule. Because my husband has some erectile dysfunction due to medical problems it doesn’t work for me every time. But the five minute rule is that the person that is wanting sex is given 5 minutes by the non interested partner to sexually arouse them. Whether nibbling on ears, touching genitals, massages, whatever the partner likes. If after 5 minutes they still are too tired for sex, then some personalized pleasuring may be in order and sex can wait a day or few hours. (However I wouldn’t over use this, only when you really need sex!) I think you would be surprised how responsive the other person can become.
Another suggestion for the spouse that has the higher sex drive. Figure out your triggers and get rid of them. For me it is a hot scene, either on TV or in a movie. For my dad it was certain songs on the radio. As he avoided listening to that his libido dropped making it more manageable for mom!! Same for me. Would I like sex daily? Yes, but without my triggers it is much easier to be satisfied by weekly. Which makes me and my husband much happier. Like I said compromise, he still would prefer four times a year.
I am no expert, but there didn’t seem to be many suggestions on here, only vents. So I thought I would share a few. And as some others said, this is as important to work on openly as money, children, keeping the house clean, any subject in a relationship. If you are willing to put time into those aspects, then put time into your sex life. I honestly thought it would just ‘happen’ and the first year was miserable!!!! Reading some of your posts brought those feelings back, and it is heart wrenching. But since my husband and I talk about it openly and frankly, and are getting to the point of scheduling it, we have both been MUCH happier with our sex life!! Make the commitment and you’ll be happier too, if your partner is willing to work on it too!

I really appreciate hearing all of your voices. It really helps to not feel alone in this frustration. Thank you especially to those of you who have taken the time to share some of what has helped in your situation. This gives the rest of us ideas to spring from instead of being left feeling helpless and despairing.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. The first year went well enough, with frequent and fulfilling sex. Though I knew that I was introducing him to more adventurous experiences than he’d had before, I had imagined that that had been a limitation of his previous partners (not necessarily him). And later, as our frequency and levels of passion diminished, I attributed this to the many situational stressors in our lives (still not really considering that it may be because of him). I even blamed myself for not “setting the stage” better.

Through the years we’ve generally had a good relationship though often it has felt more like a close friendship or even like a business partnership. When we have been sexually active it has usually been the result of my initiation, and mostly under my lead. This has often been pleasurable for both of us but even so it does not seem to stimulate more desire for him, and rejections and even gaps of 6 months are not uncommon. To cope with my own unfulfilled desires I’ve sought out romantic and sexual media, fantasized about other potential partners and have used masturbation to meet my needs but I have always wished that these activities didn’t have to exist apart from the relationship.

Recently, after increasing my frequency of initiations with diminishing positive response, we have begun to talk about the disparity between our desires. I know – it is hard to believe that it has taken this long! I think that he really may not have realized how much more I have wanted physical contact and sex with him, and I am learning new insights into his perspective. Reading some of the other posts here, I am hopeful that this may lead to better openness and understanding between us and a chance to develop strategies that will work better for us.

I’m going through the same things at the moment, and I still feel alone, as i have only just turned 20.
I’m in a happy relationship with a 24 year old, but things get so hard for both of us, because I will want sex, and try to initiate, and I’m comtinuesly getting rejected. This then makes me frustrated, upset and angry. I’m usually in tears because I feel unattractive, or unloved. I cant deal with this rejection anymore.
I NEED to get rid of my sex drive. It’s making me so confused and unhappy. I’ve tried taking antidepressants to get rid of it, but i ended up having other side effects and my sex drive was no different. I’m feeling confused, and depressed. I’m even getting paranoid about his sexuality because of how much affection he shows to other men rather than me.
We’ve talked about it many times, but things aren’t changing. Someone please give me some tips, or have a great solution.

It is amazing to me that so many others have this issue!! I am a 66 yr old female who has been living with my 69 yr old male partner for 7 years. When we first met, we had sex a lot, which was great with me!! Then all of a sudden, one night when I put my arms around him, he unexpectedly said “just back off a little”, and I was so hurt and taken aback, I have rarely ever initiated sex since then.
This was in the first year we were living together, so that has been about 6 years of not nearly enough sex. It just keeps dwindling down, now I ‘m lucky if we have sex once every couple months. I am not at all satisfied with this, and have brought it up from time to time, but nothing ever changes. Also, the first year or so of our relationship (we met about 10 months before I moved in), he showed himself to be a very skilled and satisfactory lover, knowing all the right moves, and using them.
He never had a problem getting an erection, and says he loves me and finds me attractive. I don’t think there is anything that can be done about any of this now, but I really miss how we were the first couple years. And it isn’t like we were all that young then, either. Just adding my tale to others.
I feel for all of you folks who are feeling rejected, as I know what you mean. I try not to focus on it, but I am still alive here, and miss that special connection of sex with someone you love. We are both fit and active, and attractive (if I do say so) and still employed in professional positions. I find myself second guessing what it is in me that has made him not have the desire for me any more, though I know it probably isn’t me at all.
At this point, I have pretty much made up my mind that it isn’t going to change or get much better. I do use a vibrator from time to time to help myself, but as many have noted, it is a poor substitute. Ah well, best of luck to all in getting your needs met.

I honestly thought I was alone on this. I’m 27 and have lately felt like I’ve been in a deep depression over this.
I went into my relationship (3 years it will be in April) knowing that I found my soulmate who also was overly active in a sexual manner thinking this would be okay. Now that he has moved in with me, regardless of so many advances made toward him I feel that “rejected” feeling.
I have discussed it with him and it’s like I’m lost when I do so. We used to have sex constantly but now he can discuss being aroused n whatnot n it ends up NOWHERE.
I feel like its almost starting to affect every part of the relationship because it almost makes me feel unwanted. It’s a little better knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way.
I just wish I could shut the emotion part of it off. It scares me because I love him so much but the lack of sex just kind of makes me feel unwanted to a degree, and I don’t want it to fall apart because of that.

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