The People's Perspective on Medicine

What Can A Woman Do To Kill Her Sex Drive?

Mismatch in sex drive and desire often causes couples great distress. Many think men want sex more than women. Here are many stories about female sexuality.

This article was written several years ago in response to a question from a visitor to this web site. Since that time we have received nearly 400 comments from other visitors to this page. Many are heartbreaking. It is clear that a great many women are experiencing frustration because their partners have a low libido or zero interest in sexual activity. These women think that the only answer to this dilemma is to suppress their female sexuality. Many of these women are relatively young. We find that tragic. But we also understand that many people are willing to sacrifice sex to maintain their relationship. 

You Are NOT Alone!

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. This seems like a terrible solution to what appears to be a growing problem in America. Suppressing female sexuality with powerful drugs makes no sense to us.

Antidepressants that Alter Female Sexuality:

Most of the antidepressant medications such as citalopram, fluoxetine, paroxetine, sertraline and venlafaxine will have an impact on male and female sexuality. Adverse reactions include dampening of desire (low libido), difficulty with sexual arousal, inability to achieve orgasm, pain and general dissatisfaction with sex. The incidence of such side effects can range from 40 to over 80 percent (Mayo Clinic Proceedings, Sept., 2016).

You won’t see these kinds of numbers in the official labeling for most antidepressants. That’s because people are often reluctant to discuss something so personal with a heath professional. Here is what the FDA mandates in the official prescribing information for some antidepressants:

“Reliable estimates of the incidence and severity of untoward experiences involving sexual desire, performance and satisfaction are difficult to obtain, however, in part because patients and physicians may be reluctant to discuss them. Accordingly, estimates of the incidence of untoward sexual experience and performance cited in product labeling, are likely to underestimate their actual incidence.”

Drug-Induced Male Disinterest in Sex:

One of the contributors to a lack of male libido could be related to medications. Not only do antidepressants like duloxetine (Cymbalta) cause sexual dysfunction in men, so do drugs for urinary difficulties brought on by benign prostate enlargement (BPH).  These would medications such as dutasteride, finasteride and tamsulosin.

Many other drugs can also contribute to low sex drive. Before a couple gives up on sex, it is important to consider medications as a factor and ask a health professional whether there are alternatives that won’t dampen desire.

Other Antidepressant Side Effects:

If a woman asks a physician for an antidepressant prescription to kill her sex drive she should know about other consequences. That’s because such drugs have a long list of side effects that are quite worrisome.

In addition to decreased libido, antidepressants can cause weird dreams, drowsiness, dry mouth, sweating, hot flashes, insomnia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, tremor, blurred vision, headache, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, irregular heart rhythms, diarrhea and weakened bones.

Stopping antidepressants suddenly can trigger withdrawal symptoms including nightmares, brain “zaps,” dizziness, vertigo, headaches, anxiety, irritability, nausea, diarrhea, tremor, fatigue and visual disturbances.

Spearmint To Lower Libido?

Here is an alternative to antidepressants that might be safer. A reader shared this story about female sexuality:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including saltpeter, chaste tree berry or licorice.

Licorice to Lower Libido is Risky

Another Option re: Female Sexuality:

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

NEW YORK NY – FEBRUARY 24 2017: Dr. Ruth Westheimer attends ‘As You Are’ New York Premiere at Village East Cinema

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to our interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive.

We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to Radio Show 680: Enjoying Sex After 50. You can listen to the streaming audio for free by clicking on the green arrow inside the black circle just under the title.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem. There are hundreds of comments. Take a few minutes to read some of these poignant stories. Here is just the tip of the iceberg:

Amelia shares this sad story:

“I am 50 going for 51. I was divorced and single for four years. Then I got married to a wonderful man. I love my husband so very much.

“My physical drive for sex has not diminished. I feel lost and would rather stop my need to be pleased rather than be rejected. I experience pain and am left frustrated and in tears.

“I tried to inquire if I was asking too much of him. He says no, that he loves me, but he has to be in the mood and that is infrequent. I am going crazy. We have been married over a year and the sex part of our relationship is becoming more and more difficult.”

Tracy is also in a challenging situation:

“I feel I’m in the same situation as many of the women who have shared their stories on this website. I am more than happy to have sex once a week, but my husband shows no interest anymore. If I try to initiate something, he pushes me away and makes excuses. He blames stress a lot of the time.

“The only time he tries to initiate sex is after he’s been drinking. I feel he needs alcohol to want me.

“Am I greedy thinking I have needs too so he should at least try occasionally to satisfy my needs? Maybe I need something to lower my sex drive. Who knew at 43 I’d be the one not having sexual relations.

“Except for sex we have a great relationship.”

R says:

“I was married to a man who never wanted sex after the first 2 years of marriage. It got so bad that I divorced him and am now remarried to a man 9 years younger.

“The sex is fantastic but even he doesn’t want it as often as I do. I still feel such a deep rejection, and it brings up so much disappointment and insecurity. At times I feel that my sex drive is a curse. I will try the spearmint tea and see if it helps.”

Share your own story in the comment section below.

Revised: 2/14/19

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About the Author
Joe Graedon is a pharmacologist who has dedicated his career to making drug information understandable to consumers. His best-selling book, The People’s Pharmacy, was published in 1976 and led to a syndicated newspaper column, syndicated public radio show and web site. In 2006, Long Island University awarded him an honorary doctorate as “one of the country's leading drug experts for the consumer.” .
Female Sexuality

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This article assumes women want to suppress their libido due to low drive in their partners. With me it is the opposite. I feel like he only wants me for sex. It feels is dirty, and I feel disrespected and used like a prostitute. The only way he will leave me is if I no longer have sex with him, and I have a high libido which keeps me allowing him to do this.

No article anywhere is helping us to figure out how to kill our sex drive, especially without toxic drugs.

I am going through this right now. I am 18, and my boyfriend is 20. We have been together for about six months. We really only end up having sex about a 1/5 of the times I want to. It hurts my feelings. I have tried masturbating but that just seems to make me more sexual. I hate it because it’s making him feel like he’s inadequate for me, and he’s not. I think he’s a very good boyfriend.

I do not have trouble with low libido. I sometimes have the opposite problem. Sometimes my libido gets too high and at inappropriate times. I have a good sex life with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. He’s the only partner I have had, and I hope it stays that way forever because I love him dearly. The problem for me is when one of us has to be away from the other for extended periods of time. If we have to be away from each other for more than a few days, I have urges that are hard to control. I’m going on a trip with family for almost two weeks in July, and I’m worried I will have urges that will interrupt a fun vacation and cause distress and frustration. Any suggestions with how to control the urges so that it doesn’t cause problems while I’m on a fun family trip? I really don’t want to be over-concerning myself with that the whole two weeks.

My sex drive is pretty high, and always has been. My husband has been having a decrease in his over the 10 years that we have been married. With-in the first year of marriage, we were down to once a week. He constantly said that he was “too tired” as the reason. Now he told me that, while is is still attracted to me, he just has no sex drive at all. He isn’t even 40 yet! He is almost 38 and I am 35. I have no self-esteem anymore. I wish I could kill my sex drive! Other than this, our marriage is great! I would happily have sex multiple times a day, and he can go months with no issues at all. I don’t know. I just wish I could totally shut my drive off.

I’m 27, nearly 28. My boyfriend is 29 & never wants sex with me. We been together for nearly two years. When we first started dating he was all over me. Then I moved in with him & I’m lucky if we have sex once a month. Yet he told me he used to have sex 8 times a day in one of his relationships. But he still plays with himself every night. I feel like he doesn’t really want me anymore.

Just today I was speaking to a very close friend of mine about taking something to kill my sex drive. My friend recommended that my husband, who is 12 years older than I am, should visit a doctor and have testosterone shots. I have been experiencing such rejection that I am thinking about leaving him. I feel comforted knowing that I am not alone in this and that many other women understand my pain. I came to the conclusion that it is probably how my life is supposed to be.

Well, here is one for the books: I have a great desire to have sex with my wife. However, there is one major problem. I had cancer of the prostate in 2014 and had to have surgery. I think I have tried everything, but to no avail. Unable to have an erection. I tried E.D. pills and Trimix,but no results. Anybody got a solution for may problem? Even my urologist ran out of ideas. I really enjoyed sex back in the day, and really hate that I can’t satisfy my wife.Well, it’s not fair to her, either.

Can’t imagine needing to suppress libido. Get some toys and masturbate as often as needed. No drugs, convenient, fun, and satisfying,

I remember those days, and then menopause hit. Desire still there, body response is not – quite the opposite in fact, pain. No one talks about this. I’d love to see something written about how a menopausal woman can get her groove back.

Wondering if men viewing porn has any relationship to their not wanting to have sex with their own woman. Maybe she can’t compete with what’s on the screen, either in looks or actions. Maybe he’s done what he needs to do to fulfill his urges and so isn’t interested in more. Maybe porn use is a symptom of deeper marital issues.

I have an MS symptom that has left me constantly “in the mood.” Vitex supplements, and Licorice Root supplements, have been a huge help. Has been years since the symptom hit, but when it did, these quickly relieved the problem.

I’m a 55 YO man with a sex drive that never gets out of high gear. My wife has health issues and sex is out of the question. So, I feel your pain.. But, I do not wish to do anything to change my physiology on the issue. My wife’s doctor offered to prescribe something for me to diminish my drive. I said a flat no. I’ll just take the pain thanks. I figure there must be some karmic reason so, I’ll deal with it.

In the beginning we did it all – 10 years later not so much and it’s been that way ever since – now wit me 67 and her 64 no matter what I try she is just not into it. When we do I am always able to bring her to multiple O because I have done my research. I wish I could give to her some of what these women have.

Going through similar issues. I’m a 36y/o woman with an EXTREMELY high sex drive that has been in over-drive since I was a pre-teen! The love of my life is a 44y/o man who is the sexiest thing on Earth to me but has a low to non-existent sex drive.
I’m constantly feeling hurt, rejected, disappointed, depressed. I’ve tried EVERYTHING to turn him on, even verbally talk him through his fantasies just to make him have an orgasm while he’s with me intimately. Oh, what this situation has done to my once strong self esteem! When we do make love, it is MAGICAL. The actual act may only last a couple minutes, but the foreplay & the attention itself is AMAZING.

I simply am at my wits’ end. I’ve even told him if he wants a room mate, then that’s what we will be because that’s generally what we’ve become just 2yrs into our relationship. What does the future hold? I was previously married to a man 2yrs my junior for 10 years & we had mind blowing sex 3 times a day at least for the duration of our marriage!
I know I’m attractive & the only thing wrong with me is my insatiable drive. but it hurts nonetheless that my King does not desire me.

My husband and I have been together for 26 years. I’m 55 he is 48.
When we first started out it was great as I was his first and only, I took this as a challenge to help him learn all that I could teach him, no this wasn’t it either. It seems He wasn’t experienced in any way and me teaching him embarrassed him. Blah blah blah

Yesterday morning after 3 month of no sex he woke up needing sex, well you can imagine what my libido was like, my body reacted before I know it we were at it, 30 seconds later after 3 months of abstinence he came and that was it. All over and I’m still hanging. Now we are in the throws of a massive breakdown causing argument and I am at my wits end. What can I do to stop my sexdrive altogether as I can stand this anymore. HELP!!!

I’m 22 and I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2 years. We both stay very fit, but my drive has always been much higher than his, and I’ve always ridiculed him for it. Over the years, it’s grown to really be the only problem we have in our relationship. I wish we could have it 3-4 times a week, but he’d prefer once every 2 weeks, and although it doesn’t sound like much of a difference, it’s killing me.

I started taking sertaline, not as a result of the sex thing, but because of personal problems, and yet my drive still isn’t low enough. I’ve had the realization that it’s not fair to him to ask him to match my level when he doesn’t want to, so I’ve started doing some research and read that starting birth control pills can lower drive as well.

Hopefully, taking both of these can help me out, because it hurts so much to be rejected, and it’s come to the point where I feel like my sex drive has become a burden in my life.

So im in the 20 and Im in a relationship with my girl of 6 month. When we first started dating and having sex it was great . We would have sex three times a week or more and now that we are settled in our relationship I have noticed her sex drive is not the same as it was when we first dated. I have a high sex drive then my girl. When I desire sex she dose not desire it. I hate the idea of me using my girlfriend just to please my pleasures. I enjoy sex with a partner that I can please at the same time so how can i adjust my though of Im just using her to please my sex drive. how can I get her on my sex desire or at least slow mine down.

A friend’s husband was recently diagnosed with asperger’s (on the autism spectrum). He apparently had never been interested in sex much, while she WAS interested. Will recommend she try the spearmint tea.

I am a 31 yr old woman in a 3 yr relationship with anotherwoman. She is 26. I thoughtafteryrs of dating older women who could not keep up with my sex drive, dating younger would be different. Boy was i wrong. I just dont know what to do. We only have sex maybe 4 or 5 times a year at this point. We are engaged also. Weget along great and have a perfect relationship otherwise.

It is at the point where I feel guilty for wanting sex. Every time I find myself getting turned on by her i instantly feel like im doing something wrong.

I feel undesired and rejected. I’m starting to get depressed and become angered easily. I love her so much but at this point I feel like we are doomed to fail. It breaks my heart.

It’s a little comforting to know that this is a real problem and it’s not just me, but depressing all the same. I’m 44, my husband is 47 and we’ve been married 13 years. I have an out of control sex drive made worse by his complete lack of interest in sex (or intimacy in any form).

I’ve joined a gym, bought sexy nighties, offered all kinds of suggestions hoping he might find me attractive enough to get interested, but I still end up crying on the couch in the middle of the night.

I know he loves me, it just doesn’t feel like he’s IN love with me anymore. I keep waiting for him to find someone that trips his trigger and he ends up leaving me. His mom moved in with us after his dad passed on and now I find myself wondering if not for her, if he would leave.

I’ve started taking Citalopram for depression and to help kill my sex drive…still waiting for it to work.

Can depakote lower your sex drive? I was on it. I stopped taking it, and now it seems my sex drive is high but when I was taking it my sex drive was average, 2 times a week sometimes 3 times a week, but now I want sex all the time. My husband sometimes gets frustrated with me because I seem to want it at the wrong time.

I am a almost 51 year old woman. I am very single and no prospects of being in a relationship in my future. Men my age don’t want me and I don’t want to be a cougar. My sex drive went into massive overdrive going into my late 40’s. I am told I am sexy, hot, pretty, beautiful… blah blah blah

Guys both my son’s ages have called me a MILF (sons are ages 26 and 28). I have even had a kid as young as 23 want to be with me. As flattering as it is, I want a man my age that I have something in common with, that lived through the same era that I did.

My problem is, other than my sex drive, that men my age don’t see me. The only men that I am not invisible to that are my age have no teeth in their heads, have a drug and/or alcohol problems, and have long lengthy criminal records. People tell me to stop looking and to relax, be myself… Well I have and done all of it.

I have put myself on the shelf multiple times and just focused on my kids and 7+ years will go by, I am invisible….. If I do this again at my age.. I might as well forget it and to go back on the shelf with my massive sex drive??? It will be pure hell!!!! I need my sex drive gone gone gone!!!!

There has to be a surgery, a pill or something I can do to kill it… Masturbating and toys just don’t do it for me…. I need the physical skin on skin and human contact… I need the kissing, the touching, the verbal communication and closeness. Well that isnt going to happen for me so I need to stop wanting it!!

And I need to for people to stop lying to me about how I look but I know that lying to me wont stop and there is nothing I can do about that. I am hoping that there is help for me on killing the sex drive though!!

Wow! I can totally relate.

Same here. I’m getting so depressed. He is very very sensual which turns me on all the time, but he doesn’t desire full on sex (not interested enough to even get hard) but he is more than willing to use toys on me, but I’m tired of the toys. I want…crave…NEED skin on skin interaction. I want him inside me, not some stupid ass toy all the time. He wants to please me but I can’t handle all the attention being on me when in my head all I can think is “he doesn’t really want this. He’s only doing it to please me” how can I stay turned on knowing he could care less about sex? At this point all the toys represent to me is my failure to get him interested enough in me to want to be with me himself.

Me too; feel same…

I am 36. I have a desire to have sex all day every day. I do think some of it is related to my bipolar/hypomanic. I take medication for this. It has not really dampened my desire. I am so emotionally stressed, and I guess you could call it sexually frustrated because my husband is disabled due to chronic pain from neuropathy and so the pain has kept him from wanting sex. I feel stuck. He hurts, and I hurt, in totally different ways. If someone has ideas, please help me. I want to feel my husband’s body against mine again, feel the emotional closeness, be relieved of the sexual frustration as well, and I truly am at a loss. I don’t want to make him feel bad because I know his pain is horrible. But, what am I supposed to do now that my sex drive is finally through the roof, and now I Just want it to be completely gone?

I’m 23 and I have a very low libido. But every now and then I have the urge below, and I really hate going down that route. It’s incredibly annoying when I fall asleep coz I wake up in the middle of the night when I really just want to sleep. It’s ruining my work and school schedule and I don’t have a partner. I just hate feeling so tired the whole day which delays my work and performance.

Should I just drink some spearmint tea and maybe a sleep aid because I’d really love my sleep back instead of pacing in my room at 4 am on a work day or squirming in my bed doing nothing.

I’m 43. My first husband always wanted sex. This is my second marriage and it’s the exact opposite. In the past 3 years, we may have had sex 10 times. He says he’s always had a low libido, but it feels like it’s me. He’s admitted that even while having sex, he’s not necessarily enjoying it because he has zero desire. The only reason we’ve even had sex at all in the past few years is because I initiated it and because he wants to make me happy. I’ve mentioned during counseling that it bothers me that he doesn’t try to do anything to increase his desire. But he still won’t do anything. He says he wants to make me happy, but never initiates it. It’s to the point where I cry after we’re done and he’s asleep because I know he doesn’t really want to have sex. I’ve tried masturbating, but I can’t make myself orgasm. I’ve told him I’ve given up on having sex with him. Does spearmint tea really work? Are there other things I can try?

I’m also going through exactly same situation. I know how it feels. Please suggest some solution for this. I too want my loving husband back.

21 female here. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and I love him very much, he is incredibly good to me. Even when we generally have sex he makes sure that we come at the same time. However my sex drive is alot higher than his. I woukd like to have it at least once a week and if I nag enough I will get it but then it feels just like he does it to please me. If we do not have it above one week I feel like I am going insane inside. I do love him beyond anything and would like to sort this out with him together but I don’t know how. Please someone help me.

Hi I am a student who is 19. I’m a girl and I have been masterbating from a really young age, not knowing what it was. I humped pillows and have been unable to stop. I have become addicted to it where a I have a really strong desire to, and can orgasm in like a minute. I am aware that I should not be so drawn to it and find other ways to relieve myself, but it is really hard. One of my main concerns is that when I do decide to have sex, I will orgasm super fast and not be able to make it an enjoyable experience for him because I am too fast. I have tried fingering myself, as well as my ex boyfriend has, but all that really works is humping. I am trying to stop so I can have a new experience when it is time, but I can’t seem to. I have read the other comments and I am not comfortable getting drugs, and I do not like tea. Are there any other tips?
Thank you for your time!

you should do pc muscles exercises and if u tell me your some characterstics i can help you even more

currently I and my boyfriend are not in good terms because of my sexual urge.
while we were having sex he released and I reacted angrily, I couldn’t control my emotions. he concluded with the fact that he can’t satisfy me and he will not kill himself cause of sex, and he will give me room 2 find someone that can satisfy me.
my high libido is killing me, pls I need help on how 2 control it and to make him understand and forgive me.

I am only 19 years old and I may be too young to post this and some may say that I still have a whole life to live. But I have been very close to my now boyfriend for 4 years and we’ve been dating and living together for a year now. He is 2 years older than me and I’m the only girl he’s ever been with.

I love him a lot and he is a great boyfriend to me but he refuses to give me oral sex at all. He says he doesn’t like the smell or the taste and I’ve tried flavored lube to maybe help but he refuses to even try. Other guys never complained and they always loved to go down on me and do anything at all just to please me. And it wouldn’t be as bad if I could get him to atleast have sex with me but he only does what he needs to do to please himself. It lasts all together maybe at most 5 minutes.

Once he has reached climax it’s over with he just leaves me to finish myself while he cleans himself and gets back on his phone browsing Facebook like always. I feel like I’m just a roommate who he occasionally has sex with and even then I always initiate things. In past relationships the guy always can’t get enough of me and we’d have plenty of sex. But now I feel as if I’m the problem. I have talked to him about it several times and he just apologizes and says he’s sorry but does nothing to help our situation.

It’s gotten so bad that I have to go to the bathroom to masturbate feeling guilty and then not be able to reach climax because it isn’t the same. I currently don’t have income coming in so I can’t buy myself a vibrator, and he isn’t going to buy one for me. He refuses to. He thinks my sexual desires are a joke and I just need to calm down. He even makes jokes about how I’m always horny but in insulting ways.

I have been depressed for a year or 2 now and suffer from anxiety but that doesn’t lower my libido. If anything it increases it I sometimes feel like I need it to feel any kind of worthiness. I’m just so tired of looking at myself in the mirror wondering how did I get into a relationship like this when I’m only 19.

I don’t want to leave him because of sex but I feel like this is such an important part of any relationship. I constantly ask myself if I really want to be married with someone for the rest of my life that won’t even try to meet my sexual needs? I mean if he barely acknowledges me no , I’ll definitely suffer my entire marriage.

I feel selfish, unwanted, and even ashamed of my desires. It literally breaks my heart to even consider lowering my libido. Especially at such a young age because sex is such a great thing that everyone deserves but I don’t know what else to do that doesn’t involve giving the relationship up. Any advice on how to lower my libido or get him to acknowledge my needs more would be greatly appreciated.. it feels great just to know I’m not alone.

Sweetheart, tell him no for a couple weeks. It’s not you.
Never mention it again, when/if your together your self control will drive him out of control.

His lack of consideration for your needs definitely seem to reach beyond the sexual level. The fact that he ridicules you and even leaves you to finish yourself after achieving his own gratification is not a problem you have at all. It isn’t about sex at that point, it’s about respect and consideration for someone you should care for as much as you care for yourself. He does not seem to be investing in the relationship as much as you are and if you leave, it’s not because he’s not giving you enough sex, it’s because of his complete lack of empathy and interest in your needs.

Hi there!
I’m 21, and I have too much libido, and there’s a time that I’ve started masturbation, and I really need to quit it. It’s just too much. Whenever there’s some pressure or hard work on me, I start to masturbate as a relief, and I really can’t help that. Is there any drug or other thing that I can use to decrease this sex drive?
Thank you

Ohh honey…please, leave. He isn’t worth it. The teasing, that’s abuse. There is no other way of looking at it. It’s a way of making you feel inferior and “at fault”. It’s his way of controlling you. Marriage to a man thst doesn’t care about your needs is a horrible one. I’ve been there. You start to hate yourself and him. Your life is worth so much more than that. Do yourself a favor. Treat yourself better. Get out now. Follow your heart. It’s already screaming at you to walk away.

If he is joking and putting you down, it sounds like emotional abuse to me. I’ve been through a ten-year relationship of questioning what was wrong with me, as every time it was my fault for not following his wishes to a T. He also cut out sex after marriage–down to just a couple times a year. You deserve better. You have had better relationships before. You can again. Believe in yourself, and get out. I wrote down nearly fifty reasons why I was unhappy and left and never regretted it once.

Hi Dear,

I faced same problem for 10 years but finally I got solution few days ago.
I am using a natural product “Licourice Root” which I found extraordinary in suppressing the sex drive.

Please don’t go with drugs which have a lot of side effects.
Licorice is a natural Herb, easily available online.
boil it is water for few minutes and drink only 2 cups daily… you will see result in only 2 days. Just have a try and you will see!

Renee from Kentucky, I am single and I have a strong sex drive even when I don’t have a partner. I have been trying to be celibate until I find a partner who is wanting to be exclusive. The problem is that guys use me for sex and then I hate myself for falling into temptation. I have been practicing abstinence for the past 3 months and it has been difficult.

I have discovered that I am a sex addict. I have been praying for God to take away my desire since I am not able to find a suitable partner and I still have it so I masterbate so that I can get to sleep. Is there anything that can take my desire. I am in recovery for my sexual addiction and facing issues from my past that caused my sexual addiction but there are times I just want to go out and get laid but I know that I will just cause self haterd afterwards and it will cause me bigger problems. I am 49 and I am hoping I be starting menopause soon so that my libido will slow down some.

Hi Dear,

I faced same problem for 10 years but finally I got solution few days ago.

I am using a natural product “Licourice Root” which I found extraordinary in suppressing the sex drive.

Please don’t go with drugs which have a lot of side effects.
Licorice is a natural Herb, easily available online.

Boil it in water for few minutes and drink only 2 cups daily… you will see result in only 2 days. Just have a try and you will see!

What you’re doing (masturbation without porn) is by far the best solution. There is nothing morally wrong with it. It is YOUR body! You need and deserve to be able to have your physiological need for sexual release met in a safe, risk-free, ethical manner. No one ever got pregnant or caught an std from masturbating themself without viewing porn.
Don’t let anybody tell you that you have to suffer and do without this fundamental human experience.
If you haven’t yet, consider buying a vibrating back massager to use for masturbation. You can find these “G-rated” massagers at local drug stores, online drug stores, and stores that cater tubes and baths. Generating multiple climaxes daily can be very helpful in preventing and treating weak pcg (pelvic floor) muscles and a weak urinary sphincter muscle. This technique is more effective than doing dozens of Kegel exercises because the multiple climaxes produced with a good vibrator are much stronger muscular contractions than voluntary ones.

I’m 27 years old and have a very high sex drive. It distracts me from pretty much everything. Pretty sure I’m almost to the point of sex addiction. What bothers me the most, I can’t handle it myself. I read articles online about self satisfaction to help ease the tension. Doesn’t work. Without a partner I can’t get myself to orgasm.

Doesn’t help I can’t get a relationship either. Despite many efforts to socialize romantically in Platonic ways, things get sexual very quickly. In the end that’s all I’m “good for”. Love interests lose interest. If I happen to find someone who’s willing to let things be just about sex, a Friend with Benefits (or whatever term you choose to use), eventually they begin to develop the feelings we agreed not to have. Then I’m the jerk for not being able to reciprocate them. Sometimes I’m the one that develops emotional attachments, and again I get rejected because that’s not what we agree too.

In the long run, it’s become a good portion of cause for my depression. Mind you it’s NOT the only cause. It does however fuel the negative thoughts concerning self worth, appearance, self doubt, and understandings of who I am. There are times where I’ve considered my hypersexuality to be a symptom of my depression, in that self destructive way.

A means to feel better about myself. But then I started my antidepressants and my libido increased. The better my mood, the more I wanted that type of attention. It became a vicious cycle since finding a partner also became more difficult.

I’ve tried talking to friends or family about it. However there in lies another source for self hatred. I’m very often met with the question “Have you tried simply not spreading your legs?” My therapist is one of two people in my life that hasn’t called me a whore (the other being a close friend from high school).

Men and women alike have shamed me quite a bit for my seemingly constant state of arousal. Which makes me hate it so much more. Sometimes it even begins to feel like a double standard. A few of the guys in my college classes are held in high regards among their friends for being able to sleep with loads of women. Sure the occasional female will call him down, but doesn’t stop her from sleeping with him still.

Now as I lay here pouring my heart out to strangers all over, I’m lost at what to do anymore. I just want it to end.

Hi. I had the same problem– I couldn’t reach climax by hand. I read a book by a woman who is an expert on masturbation. Then, I bought a vibrating wand style back massager, the Conair Body Flex Heated Massager. I followed the book’s directions and, while wearing soft, stretchy, looser-fitting underwear, turned the massager on low vibration (if not strong enough to feel good, turn it to high vibrations), no heat, with a smoother, outwardly curved portion of the massager’s adjustable head facing towards me (long handle curing down and towards me). I then held the massager so that the head of the massager was pressing against my “feminine spot” and made sure that I didn’t move the massager head away from the place on my spot that felt the best when stimulated. I used medium pressure and waited about 2 minutes, then… SWEET SUCCESS! A deeply powerful and exquisite climax that lasted for 30 seconds. 1-2 seconds after the end of the first climax, the second climax commenced. After that, my third and fourth.
If the Conair massager vibrator isn’t strong enough, then try the Hitachi Original Magic Wand. Its vibrations are the strongest, with a deep rumble instead of a buzzing effect.
Well, good luck and hope this helps!

I have been married for 5 yrs to the love of my life. He is my other half in so many ways. We have known each other for more then 25 yrs.

We started out as friends, and quickly connected on a much deeper level than any relationship either of us has ever known. Sex was not an incompatible issue, we both enjoyed pleasing each other.

Then suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband began to avoid situations that potentially could lead to physical intimacy. I, like so many of you, began to see this as my fault. That I had some how become less attractive or sexually appealing to the man I am in love with.
My self esteem, and self worth in my marriage took a full on nose dive. We began to argue over everything. When we never really argued before. I cried myself to sleep more often than not. I was desperate to find a solution that would restore my marriage. I would have wonderful dreams of how my marriage used to be. Only to wake up and remember how different things were. Then I would begin to cry. (No one should be made to feel so lonely).

I hate to imagine my life without my husband. Trust me, I have contemplated leaving him. Only to realize that marriage is about more then sex. I don’t want to go the rest of my life without it. But I am unwilling to leave him.

If I could find some way to suppress the emotional impact of not having sex I feel we could have the reckless love we once did.

I can relate!! My husband and I have been married for 23 years……for the past 8 we have been unable to be intimate due to erectile dysfunction. He is ready and willing, just unable. I have such DEEP longing for the emotional and physical side of intimacy. I even asked my medical provider for a med to lower my libido….she chuckled!! We have tried 2 different meds,injections, and a pump, all to no avail. I have cried myself to sleep many nights. Also contemplated divorce and affairs…..haven’t done either, but don’t know HOW much longer I can go on like this. We have a good relationship, otherwise, and really love each other, so this makes me very sad.

I know exactly how you feel! My husband gives me back rubs and foot rubs — this is how he shows that he loves me besides other non-physical ways. I asked him not to scratch my back while i’m laying in bed to fall asleep because it is so arousing to me. And then, I can’t sleep. This is so difficult ….

Freedom M,
If otherwise you 2 get along well and marriage counseling helps resolve conflicts, then resort to masturbation to give yourself the sexual release you need. Nothing wrong with doing this. Masturbation has saved many marriages like yours!
Please see my above posts for more advice.

Did you find any hope somewhere? I see hundreds of articles how to increase sex drive but not how to suppress it in women. Again hundreds of articles on how to decrease mens drive but not in women.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 6 months. For the first 2-3 months, we had amazing sex, almost everyday, and sometimes, multiple times per day. Now, it’s become rarer, with me usually having to initiate things. Or I’ll try to start, and he’ll clearly be aroused, but he won’t follow through. I just don’t understand. He told me that he’s sexually attracted to me and that he enjoys the sex, so I don’t see what the issue is.

Other guys express sexual interest in me and tell me I’m beautiful. I am flattered, but they are just random people, and I just want that from the man I love. I’m wondering if it’s even worth it at this point to continue dating someone who makes me feel ugly, unwanted, and undesired.

I’ve expressed all of this to my boyfriend, and he has yet to change. In the meantime, I would like to try some supplements to lower my sex drive if I can get a hold of them. And by the way, I am 30 years old and in my sexual prime! It’s sad that my life has come to this.

I know how you feel. Same situation I am in. I am in love with my boyfriend but his lack of sexual desire is killing me.

Please don’t take drugs to lower your sex drive!
You need and deserve sexual pleasure. Try masturbation using a vibrating back massager on a handle. Once daily for multiple O’s will help lots.
See my posts above for more advice.

I am suffering from my partners lack of interest in me. Please don’t think having a hysterectomy will help lower your sex drive. I had one 15 months ago and it only gotten worse. Now I am more frustrated than ever. I honestly want to just crawl in a hole and die, every night of my life.

Try masturbation using a vibrating wand style back massager.
And see my posts above.
Good luck!

Married 50 years. We had great sex when we were first married. Now I (woman) still want,need sex but husband is not interested. We have great love for each other, so I guess that will have to do. I long to be touched. So sad. Husbands out there, even if you are not interested in sex, at least touch your woman.

Touch yourself instead. There’s nothing wrong with helping your own body!
Please see my posts above.

I am a man, 43 yrs old, on my second marriage, with 3 kids from my first marriage who stay with us every other week. My wife, 38 yrs old, is on her second marriage as well, with one child from her first marriage who is with us full time but stays with his dad every other weekend. We have been married almost 4 years.

I have some depresssion issues but I take Wellbutrin which makes them almost irrelevant. My wife has some anxiety issues but she is not medicated for those. She tried a very small dose of something for a very short amount of time but it immediately almost completely shut her down sexually so she quit taking it.

My sex drive is higher than my wife’s sex drive and it causes some frustration between us. She feels bad, like she is not enough for me and I feel bad, like she is not attracted to me. Even though I have explained that she isn’t a disappointment to me, she sort of withdraws further if we ever address it, as I guess she just doesn’t believe me. This, of course, makes matters worse.

We probably have sex 2-3 times a week, which is not bad at all, but I feel like she just lets me have sex with her. She does not seem to enjoy it at all. We had amazing sex while we were dating and for probably the first 3 years of our marriage. My absolute favorite thing is to perform oral sex on her, which she was always crazy about until about 7 months ago.

Her complaints started with my tongue being too cold from toothpaste (which I understand) and my stubble being too prickly (which I also understand), but I had never heard any of this before, and then it moved on to me applying too much pressure with my tongue to so many sensitivities and issues that I just didn’t perform oral sex on her for a couple of months, after agreeing with her that somehow she must have injured her clitoris. Since oral sex is the only way she is able to orgasm, that means she went without having an orgasm for 2 months also.

I have started performing oral sex on her again, very gently, very hesitantly and very infrequently – all because she will call it off if I mess something up and going at it like I used to just no longer works, but it just isn’t the same and she continues to have lots of issues with how it is being done and frequently just cancels that part of the session. Furthermore, she has quit kissing me while we are having sex. Her complaints there are that I just had my mouth on her vagina (which I guess I can understand, but that has not been and issue before), I am “slobbering” (but I have never heard that before and certainly don’t think it to be true), her lips are sore or chapped (during the summer?) and for a variety of other reasons.

If I mention that it hurts my feelings that things seem so different now or if I try to find out what is wrong so I can fix it, she just gets furious, anxious, frustrated and emotional and threatens to leave me, etc… because she can’t please me. I spend the next two hours convincing her that we should probably calm down and keep this contained and not allow it to morph into our entire lives suck or anything like that. By the time we finish with that whole song and dance, we are both so exhausted we can’t even discuss the actual issues I was trying to address, which is maybe her plan the whole time.

We spend the next few days trying to warm up to each other again and then it sort of goes around again. I am to the point of: (a) trying to masterbate whenever I feel any sexual urges (which is daily), even though that does not at all fulfill my need to be physically loved by my wife and to feel desired by my wife and to feel like my wife is enjoying or wanting sex with me – it just takes the edge off so that maybe I can ignore it for long enough to make sure I don’t set her off again; and (b) I am actively looking for ways to simply get rid of my sexual desire – even if I had no desire, I would accommodate her at any time if she ever decided she wanted sex or anything sexual from me or with me.

Of course, there is always the possibility of finding some other actual human to please and to feel pleasure from, but I really love my wife and I find her extremely attractive and I do not want to irreparably harm our relationship. I am just starting to feel like maybe the feeling is no longer mutual. I have put on a few pounds (I am 5’10” and weigh 185-195) and I used to be in the 175-185 range, and while I am by no means gorgeous, I am not ugly either.

She says she has put on a few pounds also, but I honestly do not notice or think she looks one tidbit less attractive than she did when we started dating. She is 5’3″ and weighs probably 130-135. She says she should be 120-125 or something like that. Maybe she is just feeling badly about herself. She has also started having a tough time with smoking (she smoked for a few years in her late teens early 20’s but then never did again until I stupidly introduced it casually and very occasionally when socializing and drinking) whenever she can and to deal with stress, biting her fingernails constantly and obsessively, picking at the skin around her fingernails constantly and obsessively when her nails are all gone and abandoning the fairly strict diet she used to adhere to (mainly avoiding things she thought she was allergic to). While these things (other than abandoning the diet) annoy me and concern me, I mainly mention them as other changes I have noticed in case there is any relation to what is going on with us sexually.

She has no desire to go to counseling, as she does not think we have any issues. She just thinks I want to have sex too much and she just doesn’t need it as much. When I mention that she used to need it and want it almost (but not quite) equally with me (but even when not needing it or wanting it, definitely always enjoying it unless we had literally had sex 3 times in 24 hours or something like that) up until about 7 months ago, she just say she is not a static person and she is obviously changing and that I just need to accept that.

I am not a complete fool, so I know there is the possibility that she could be having an affair, but I really don’t think that is it. First, I don’t think she would do that. Second, she completely denies that and is pissed by the insinuation if I ever bring it up, but I think that is a pretty standard response of both people who are and people who are not having affairs. Third, I just don’t think she has time to have an affair, as we work together and are together most of the time, and we have open access to each other’s phones, texts, emails and Facebook, etc…

I am to the point in my relationship where I don’t even feel comfortable rolling over and fondling her in bed or fooling around with her in the kitchen or on the couch or at work (since I own the business), all of which I used to with ease and regularity. She doesn’t seem to enjoy me being playful about these things anymore and she definitely isn’t playful about such things with me. If she thinks it has been too long and that I need some attention, she will dutifully, in bed, at night, but only under those exact circumstances, offer herself to me in a formal manner or please me with her hands or very reluctantly with her mouth.

She is a great person and I love her and I want her. I also think she tries to meet my needs. Unfortunately, I need her to enjoy and want sex with me and I also need playfulness, passion and spontenaity (so?). I don’t want to dampen my libido but I am definitely going to try to do so and hope that I either quit wanting these things altogether or get some of them with sufficient regularity to feel like I am wanted and loved and appreciated.

Your thoughts, comments, suggestions and criticisms are welcome and appreciated. I may just be selfish and need to be told to shut up, so it is fine to tell me that. I may be on the right track, however, in feeling like something is amiss and needing to either keep after a solution or go in a different direction, so it is fine to tel me that as well.

I appreciate so many of you being willing to be so open on here. Just reading your entries and then writing my own has been helpful and has made me feel some better. I would still like some passionate lovemaking on a regular basis, though, with my wife wanting, needing, enjoying and kissing me. Is that too much to ask? Maybe so. I just had it for so long that I really feel empty now that it is gone.

I should also mention the drug Cialis, used to help genital circulation and e.d. in men.
Cialis will work for women with impaired genital circulation and unlike Viagra, works to enable the user to become aroused with stimulation.
Find a doctor who will prescribe it for her.
In addition, to help with female (or male) sexual desire, low dose testosterone patches have been proven effective for women.
Good luck.

Sounds like your wife may be experiencing blood flow problems in her external genitals due to smoking. This is a common problem for older smokers.
Try the Hitachi Original Magic Wand vibrating massager. Or a vibrating wand style back massager.

I listened to a video that was dealing with the lowering of the male libido and it seems that the chemicals in the cans and plastic bottles we get our drinks from contain BPA which increases estrogen in men. In other words, males are being feminized. “BPA is a weak synthetic estrogen found in many rigid plastic products, food and formula can linings, dental sealants, and on the shiny side of paper cashier receipts (to stabilize the ink).

Its estrogen-like activity makes it a hormone disruptor, like many other chemicals in plastics.” A suggestion: buy/store drinks in glass bottles for awhile and see if it makes any difference. I think this is something to look into.

I am so grateful for your honesty on this post! I am currently experiencing the same thing with my husband. There’s this idea that men are supposed to want sex all the time, and when my husband wants sex once every 4-6 weeks it’s very heartbreaking. There are so many times that I feel so unwanted, undesirable, uncared for and so on. And nothing I do seems right or enough. When I’m the only one who is actually trying. I honestly feel like the spouse with the lower libido should want to meet the need of the other spouse happily. It’s a whole lot better than having them let someone else meet that need. I don’t think it is too much to ask to be loved, cherished and desired. I definitely struggle with trying to calm my needs to not cause frustration in the relationship. But I also think life could be better or different, and it’s just a struggle.

In one sense I feel like my wants and needs should definitely be met, and on the other I feel like it’s best just to try to push those needs away. I’ve thought about ending my marriage so he and I could find more compatible partners. I know he and I could find attractive partners that may be better for each of us. Sex, intimacy, passion, playfulness can be such a great part of life. A de-stressor!!! I don’t want to just live a passionless life. Having passion and love in the bedroom would definitely radiate from me and better the other areas of my life. I would be overjoyed as I know many on here would. I feel your pain. I hear you loud and clear.

My husband and I dated when we were teenagers and then split for 4 years. We are going on 6 years of marriage and have struggled with our sex life since we have been back together. I feel like I always want it and he would be fine with once a month.

Even when we do have sex, I feel like it’s just his body telling him it’s time. It has been completely heartbreaking to go all this time feeling undesired. I have never dealt with this before him and I don’t know what to do. We have talked about it several times over the past 6 years but nothing has changed. I am willing to do whatever it takes to lower my sex drive or make It go away altogether. He won’t do anything to increase his so I know it falls on me to make this issue go away in our relationship.

At this point, Masturbation doesn’t work any more and I feel like my options are extremely limited. It is good to know that I’m not alone in this battle. We are in our early 30s and none of my friends understand what I’m going through. Any tips and/or suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated!

A. H.,
Please read all my posts from above.
Try the Hitachi Original Magic Wand vibrating massager. Its strong, deep vibrations and adjustable speeds are very effective for women in your situation.
Good luck!

My husband and I have been together a total of 22 years and married for 15. In the beginning our sexual prowess was great. By year two of our marriage I noticed a great decline in our lovemaking. It was so bad I would cry myself to sleep every night. Imagine feeling so alone while your partner is asleep right next to you. This continued for about six months or so until I gained the courage to speak up about it even though he didn’t want to talk about our issue. I insisted we talk about it and proceeded to let him know how this was affecting me and us in the long run.

Long story short; although we continue to have the same problem today the difference now is that we now talk more openly about our lack of intimacy and various ways in which to deal with it.

To date we exercise together and that helps a lot. We have committed to try a new position at least twice a month. We are in the process of seeking alternative natural remedies to help with both of our libido’s but the most important factor is that we continue to discuss our sexual needs openly and honestly.

I feel relieved to know I am not alone.

Every relationship I’ve been in, the sex is great in the beginning but suddenly the men don’t want to have sex with me anymore. I didn’t think I was that bad. Maybe I am, and I know my looks don’t help. I went 17 years without a man touching me! Not even to kiss me. My husband wanted nothing to do with me. Once he finally left me, and I started dating the same thing happen. I started having sex with the guy, then suddenly nothing. Just pity sex once every 6-8 weeks which is worse than none at all. The next 2 relationships we’re exactly the same. I just don’t want to have the desire anymore!!! I’m desperate to find something to help me. I don’t want to ask my doctor because they’ll start pushing me to see a shrink. and I’m not going through that again!

Easy, healthy answer: masturbate. Vibrating back massagers work best.

I have read some of the stories and comments and I am glad to know that I am not the only one out there. I would really like advice for my own issues and problems. To start my story I will say this started four years ago when I got out of a bad marriage that was 15 years long. The first person I found during my separation and divorce process was a man that I have know for over 20 years and someone I considered my best friend as well as family from Jr high. We even dated a couple of times during the beginning of our friendship and I figured we were better off as friends. Over the years we lost touch but we were never far from each other’s thoughts as we both figured out. We ran into each other a couple of times before my marriage really stated to dissolve. I told my friend I was happily married, I guess this was me trying to convince myself more so than anyone else. Any way, a month after my ex and I separated I ran into my friend, his brother and their grandma in a local store and that is where it go started. We started dating a couple of weeks after that. I believe this man is my soulmate and we have a great relationship other than the sex issue. He makes me feel so wonderful when we do have any intimate contact, but mostly I just feel like I’m a friend and nothing more. The love we have goes stronger daily, but I am sinking into a depression and mind set that I am ugly and not worthy of someone who is able to have all of me loved and wanted. I feel like I need to get rid of the side of me and all things relating to sex.

I took all things relating to sex and boxed them up the other day just to try and break the spell of needing sex in my life. I don’t know what else to do.

We live in a small town that doesn’t have sex therapist in it and I have had bad experience with some of the counselor in my town, plus I will admit to say there is a huge issue with being embarrassed by this issue.

I’ve been trying to lower my sex drive for the past six months. I’m only 19 years old. What’s funny is that society thinks men are the ones that want sex more when in reality it’s surely the opposite. I feel so ashamed to have to lower my sex drive and dampen my sexuality to maintain my relationship. It’s heartbreaking really.

I’m 23, and I have this issue too. I have a boyfriend for 6 months but I want sex all the time. Even right after sex, I want more. We usually have sex twice a week, which to most people is frequent enough but not for me. If we have sex less frequently than that, I start to feel annoyed, unable to focus, undesired, and etc. It really affects my mood, and I don’t know what to do about it. He’s satisfied with once a week but I can’t be. So now I have to take licorice root pills and drink mint tea and hope these will work. I masturbate three times a week but it doesn’t help that much and only makes me want real sex more. It’s really annoying when he told me he doesn’t want to have sex as much if I keep talking about how much I want it. It feels like I have to pretend I’m not really that sexual to get some sex from him, which almost feels like pity sex sometimes. I definitely know the feeling of feeling frustrated and unwanted. It really sucks.

I thought I was alone! Even though I will still deal with feeling like an undesirable oaf, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I guess I’ll be drinking a lot of tea.

Surprised no one mentioned masturbation as relief from high libido

Me, too! Masturbation is the most obvious and sometimes the best solution, if the couple is married and gets along well and loves each other and kids are involved.
See my posts of advice, above.

Masturbation followed up with a dildo only does so much. And quite frankly the pad of my finger is rougher than a nice soft wet tounge and can damage and irritate an aging clitoras.

I am unfortunately to the point that masterbation only teases me and doesn’t alleviate any issue. My husband became asexual due to cancer, I love every minute I am with him and wouldn’t want anyone else. But am at a loss. So they may not have said anything about masterbation because they too have reached the plateau of how much it actually helps.

Not everyone can masturbate. I’m 23 years old and I’ve had this issue for 3 years now and I’ve tried to over and over again and it doesn’t satisfy me at all I can’t even get “there” for lack of better term.

I know how you feel, cuz that is exactly how I feel

Other than the fact the last day we had sex was on our wedding night, we have an awesome relationship, he cares about us and is an amazing husband but almost a year without sex is starting to drive me crazy, he doesn’t like to talk about it, so I don’t know what is going on. I’m going nuts here!

You need to talk about it. Its for his good as well as yours. Its worth pressing. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then he knows its an issue, but is afraid to address it.

Currently heart broken in my relationship. I feel unwanted, undesired and worst of all, unloved. I’m even considering a hysterectomy. I’m on antidepressants, so I know they are not affecting my libido. I am desperate to find a supplement to lower my libido. I don’t even want to feel desire. A life without sex would set me free.

You are beautiful, amazing, and I’m sorry for every person and event that has made you feel this way. Talk to your doctor about how you are feeling while still on anti-d’s. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one. Its okay to have a dark moment and want to vent, but if it’s more than that address it. It sounds like you’ve had that courage in the past at least.

If you’re with a partner, talk to them about your needs. If solo communication isn’t enough, talk to your doctor about recommending a therapist for you and your partner.

If you’re single, you are worth loving, and having all the sex you desire. Wanting rid of your sexual desires entirely is not the answer you think it is. You will be replacing one problem with another.

I had a partial hysterectomy 20 years ago. It did not help one bit, actually may have made it worse since I no longer bleed and feel free to have sex anytime.

Your story sounds exactly like the kind of sexual relationship my husband & I had earlier in our relationship. I almost didn’t marry him because of it. I did marry him 8 years ago because I decided he had so many wonderful traits. We went to a sex therapist before we married, and she asked him to get his testosterone levels checked. It was extremely low, but not really, according to his internist. He said it was within “normal” range for a 59 yr-old man. But my hubby went to an alternative health doc who used testosterone pellets to bring the levels up. In the meantime we talked to 2 other sex therapists, and the last one we really connected with. She helped us learn how to talk about what we needed sexually from each other. Then we found a place to get testosterone shots, and hubby is now self-administering 2 testosterone shots per week. And I found from hormone testing that my testosterone had gone down over the years. I use all bioidentical hormones, estridiol/testosterone cream(applied daily to labia) & progesterone capsules. Keep in mind that we are 68 & 69 years old! For the last 2 years we have had the most amazing sex life! It has totally changed our marriage. We are so much more connected and so much happier.

Please have your hubby check into hormone replacement, and keep looking for someone to talk to until you find one that suits you both. Don’t let all the rest of your married life be sexless!

Sexual anorexia can be a real, serious problem in a relationship. It led to the end of my 21-year marriage. If you haven’t sought help or tried Dr. Ruth’s suggestions, please do! I know from personal experience how incredibly hurtful it is for a woman to hear that her partner finds her attractive and/or sexy, but he’s just not interested in having sex with her. (I’m sure that works both ways; I can only speak for myself.)

Frankly, and while I wouldn’t judge, no woman should have to do anything to decrease her libido. (Why should the “evening out” of sexual interest be her responsibility, anyway?)

If I knew then what I know now, I might have had serious second thoughts about marrying my now-ex-husband, as this problem already had already arisen a couple of years in to our relationship. I would have at least insisted that we get counseling.

Your mileage may vary, of course, and every relationship is different, but if your libidos are different enough for one of you to seek help suppressing yours — and you’re not interested in living as “roommates” — I IMPLORE you to get counseling. (My ex refused.) If your first experience isn’t good, or is even bad, search for a new therapist! I know that is easier said than done, but if your relationship is worth saving, isn’t it worth the effort? If your partner refuses to even try counseling, try it on your own (it didn’t help my marriage, but that’s only my experience).

Part of me would urge you to RUN if you can’t agree on something this incredibly important — actually VITAL — to a healthy marriage/relationship. Again, this is only my opinion. My heart aches for those of you who can’t divorce for whatever reason. (I didn’t make the decision to end my marriage, but I’m so glad now that it was made for me!)

Love that this is finally getting attention, breaking stereotypes that only men feel they don’t have enough sex in relationships. No kidding, I was looked down on for speaking up at a married women’s church support group when I challenged them that it wasn’t just men that get frustrated with the frequency of sex in a relationship.

Most marriage self-help books address men’s libido only, and talk about helping meet the husband’s need for sex. Women can enjoy sex too!

When we were dating and up until the past couple of years, I have always wanted more than him. It did affect our relationship! Now it’s almost a relief that my libido is declining–my depression for the last couple of years is ‘helping’ my libido level out with his (but I’m not taking any prescription meds at this time).

This sounds like my life to a T. I’m in a constant state of arousal. I’d give anything to turn it off. I love my husband, and I know it’s me because every relationship I’ve had, always same fight, ” Is that all you ever think about?” I cry myself to sleep, masturbation helps, but relief is short lived.

Wow! I’m not a woman, but my heart breaks for the large number of women that have posted! And as someone on the opposite side of this angst, perhaps I have a (somewhat?) useful perspective to lend. My wife and I (25 yrs!) are pretty much “married celibates”. We love and respect each other. We are good companions. We compliment (as well as supplement) each other nicely, in many ways. But we seem sexually incompatible. I say “seem”…that may taking some splainin’!

OK, so we married late. I was over 30, and I was certain that my libido (and fitness and …) was already taking a nose dive at this point in my life. My wedding night seemed to confirm that. We were so exhausted! And our first sex, ever, was…meh. (Yes, we really did wait for marriage!) Our honeymoon brought more of the same…meh, sex, as well as one complete “failure to launch”, which was especially traumatic, for me–well, for both of us, really. Not a good start, at all! I wrote off some of the non-exemplary performance to fatigue, and probably rightfully so.

After we settled in to our new home, and my new job, and as a new dad (wife had a 10 yr old from previous marriage), we tried again. We had some fairly decent sex, I’d say, but what to compare it with? My only previous sexual relationship was with a bonafide nympho. Hers was a previous husband (and several others besides)–but a good 15 yrs ago. Both of us were aging, after all, right? Well, then there was my wife’s halitosis. It was chronic–nothing seemed to help. I had to (literally) suck it up to kiss my wife! On top of that, my wife indicated I was “not a good kisser”. LOL OK!

Additionally, after a great deal of effort (preacher, doggie, down on the mound clitoral stimulation, etc.) on my part, I became convinced that my wife simply could not have an orgasm. I learned that is true of about 1/3 of the general female demographic. OK, so maybe that is my lot in life, I supposed. But I gotta say, bringing my partner to orgasm is (or used to be) where the endorphins really kick in, for me. And it has NEVER happened with my wife!

So, this is where I’ve got to explain that I cannot stand to do things that I suck at. Like golf. I absolutely suck at golf. Futility is NOT FUN! So I avoid futile endeavors, like golf. Including sex with my wife. And I made a vow before God–there will NEVER be another woman for me. So, like many of the women posting here, I–no we–are both trapped in a marriage where neither of us will ever be fulfilled sexually.

Some women have indicated that this means that their man doesn’t love them. Not true! I am just as trapped as she is! I see no way to make it better! I cannot act–I don’t know of ANY action that could possibly help! Granted, we SHOULD have gone to counseling many, many years ago, but a bad experience with a counselor years ago caused my wife to say “never again”.

And since, in her opinion, the problem with our sex is “all me”, I’d have to go to a counselor alone. So I just suck it up and say “you’re right”, it’s all me. What else can I do? She cannot help her halitosis and being non-orgasmic. She was never athletic, so she pretty much expected/depended on me doing all the “work” of sex, anyway. So I see no way back. At all! Ever!

I used to pray about it, but I don’t even bother doing that, anymore. It is simply a deep regret (that we never had children of our own) that I’ll live with the rest of my life.

So the hurt goes BOTH ways, ladies. Some of you are fine with breaking your vows. I’m not. Perhaps there is a possibility for some of you to go to a counselor–preferably together! LOL–and get some help. For us, I’m afraid that ship has sailed. So for us, we both seem content to try and cultivate the other aspects of our marriage and make the most of it. In light of eternity, I can live with that.

About ten years ago I began taking Wellbutrin for depression. Within two weeks I felt better than I had in decades. I also experienced a welcome side effect–though I have always had a healthy libido, I did have some trouble reaching orgasm, as many women do.

Suddenly I was able to have quick, easy, multiple orgasms (and from intercourse alone, without clitoral stimulation). Because Wellbutrin (later I was switched over to the next-generation version, Aplenzin) works on dopamine rather than serotonin, my shrink said it often has that effect.

What a relief! I don’t know why this isn’t talked about more–when I read about antidepressants the only ones mentioned are SSRIs, which give so many people negative sexual side effects. Perhaps if the husband in the story took Wellbutrin he would find sex easier and more pleasurable and want more of it. In any case, I have found it to be a miraculous solution for my own sexual disfunction.

Been married 20 years (and together almost 22 yrs).. have been through many changes since 2011-with stress from jobs, change of live (menopause at 53) Now I am no longer working due to RA, and seemingly my sex drive has gone up.. and sadly husband’s has gone south.

We have not been intimate in almost 3 years..(gulp) I realize he is now the primary breadwinner, thus that all its own is causing much stress. But looking back on how things use to be, makes the oresent situation even worse. I, too, feel like I am sleeping with a roommate.

We did hold hands a few nights ago while watching tv in bed, and that was strange, but a relief to some extent. I just feel like I am empty and broken inside. Will keep praying things change in time. It is a good thing to know I am not by myself in this.

I am 62 and lost my sex drive after menopause. I went into early menopause at the age of 40, so needless to say we have NO sex. I don’t know how my husband can deal with this, but he does.

I have NO sex drive at all and I also take an antianxiety drug so that makes it even worse, any suggestions anyone?

Why are all the women the ones trying to alter themselves and their natural, normal desires? Why isn’t the focus on the men with whom something is clearly wrong? If these men love their wives and want their marriage to last, they are the ones who should be seeking help to raise their libidos. Is it medicine? Is it psychological? Is it too low testosterone in their system? How about bio-identical hormones?

The men should be seeking solutions. Sex is the enriching, wonderful icing on the cake in an already good relationship, but when it goes missing – even from the best of relationships- it can become the focus – that persistent little pebble in your shoe that slowly will cause a sore that eventually festers and becomes infected and left untreated will affect the whole body (read: marriage – relationship).

There will always be things that our partners like or line to do that makes them happy that we just cannot understand, but we do or happily allow them to do because it’s important to THEM and we love them.

Sex is no different in theory, yet so much more significant if our partner doesn’t get how important it is to us. (Just talking to the women here.) Sex is intertwined with our feelings about ourselves, and being rejected in this area or having it not taken seriously by our partner, can be so damaging to one’s self-esteem. It slowly chips away at the relationship and what should have been just a great part of a great relationship will soon become the wound that festers and infects all the other parts.

All of this is just my opinion, but I say the men should be doing everything in their power to seek the cause of their low libido and work on RAISING theirs, instead of the WOMEN working on lowering theirs – sexuality can be complicated, I know – but no sex in months?! That should be explored and solutions sought just like any other health issue and even more so if it important to their partner and they live their partner.

(I’m not saying they don’t love their partner, but where’s the respect for them to do everything in their power to give their partner what they need to keep from slowly withering on the vine? In years to come, I can’t help but believe situations like these will cause so much underlying resentment, hurt, and anger that will eventually poison the relationship – because those feelings will get expressed in myriad of other damaging ways. Only after every avenue with the MAN has been exhausted would I make a decision on how to proceed.

I am begging all of you to invest in several sessions with a licensed sex therapist–not a marriage counselor but someone specifically trained in sexual problems. My marriage almost ended because of my husband’s low sex drive, and this was in spite of marriage counseling. Unfortunately, I think standard therapists often have sexual hangups themselves. If I heard our marriage counselor tell us to cuddle one more time, I was going to lose it. These sessions worked almost immediately for us, and I finally understood the deep roots of my husband’s sexuality.

Thank you!
3 years ago my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and needed to have surgery. We were newly-weds at the time and enjoyed a fantastic sex life. Even though he is 10 years older than me and in his 60’s he had the stamina of a teenager in bed. His surgeon said that with robotic surgery he would have a 96% chance of recovering full sexual function, but it could take up to 2 years. Unfortunately my husband did not follow post-op instructions on not lifting more than 10 lbs for 3 months after the surgery and 3 days afterwards I caught him fixing his heavy petrol-driven lawnmower in the garage, which he had lifted onto a bench…he also refused to tell his work that he needed time off and so had to travel to Asia 2 weeks after surgery, lugging around suitcases and heavy equipment.

I believe that the increased swelling and delayed healing caused by this resulted in nerve damage which has now made it very hard to recover sexual function. He made a small attempt at trying Viagra and Cialis to absolutely no effect, and after 3 years with no satisfactory sex (for me anyway) I am now on antidepressants, and our relationship is falling apart. Every night he cuddles up to me and fondles my breasts and then pushes this absolutely useless flaccid penis against my back thinking it will excite me, when all it does is remind me about what we’ve lost and makes me cry and get even more depressed. He says that he gets the same orgasm and pleasure by rubbing his penis against me in ‘pretend’ humping. But it does absolutely nothing for me, and neither does oral sex. So I end up feeling more and more sexually frustrated and even ‘used’ because he is still getting orgasms but doesn’t seem to care about my satisfaction any more.

I’m now avoiding any kind of physical contact because he turns me on SO much but I know that if I allow myself to get turned on then I’ll just end up crying into the pillow and not be able to sleep yet again. He said 3 months ago that he would try the injections but has made no attempt to make an appointment, and the ONLY conclusion I can come to is that he really doesn’t care enough anymore. If I try to talk to him about it I get the whole pity-party response of “I wish I still had cancer” which isn’t very helpful and makes me feel awful.

I am SO SO angry that he didn’t follow the doctors’ instructions and didn’t even care enough to do everything possible to heal. I’m angry that when I finally find a man that I love with my whole heart and who was also the ONLY man I’ve ever met who could satisfy me in bed and who was such an amazing lover only to have it all taken away so soon. Then I guilt trip myself because he had Cancer for God’s sake, and I should just be grateful that he is still alive. But this is making me so depressed, and it’s so damn unfair because we are good people who love each other :( I also feel so guilty for being so depressed about this because he lived with depression and sexual repulsion with his ex-wife and always said that he now loved living with someone who was happy and passionate.

I just don’t know what to do…the crying, disappointment, sleepless nights and having to masturbate in secret/silence because I don’t want to hurt his feelings is really really bringing me down, and he seems to have just accepted no sex as a way of life with no problem.

I’m 37 with a pretty low sex drive and not currently in a relationship, but having read the initial page of recent comments I think women should not settle or try to manipulate their own drives and desires. They should probably leave these men, who maybe cannot be blamed, in the sense that they have not chosen to feel the way they feel, but who are causing terrible suffering.

It’s hard for me to know, never having been married, but no matter how much a woman loves her partner and is committed to him, being sexually unwanted and unfulfilled is clearly making life intolerable and hellish for many.

I wonder if our typical ideas about marriage and long relationships are terribly out of sync with reality: perhaps a relationship in the full sense of the word is not decades long, but maybe a few years long, in many cases. It seems like our ideas and ideals, deeply implanted, basically that we should stay with one person forever, may be part of the problem.

The fact that a physical relationship is over does not mean it was not a wonderful and enriching part of your life, while it lasted. It does not mean it was ever a mistake. But prolonging it beyond its natural life may well be a serious mistake.

It would be nice to hear from some of these men who are uninterested in having much sex with their partners. Maybe their side of the story would help clarify what needs to be done about this. And maybe they would actually understand and accept that a factor outside of their control means that at this point their partners really need to find other men who are more compatible.

It would also be good if men were more honest about whether they are still physically attracted to their partners. “I love you very much” is not the same as “I love you very much and I want to touch you all the time”, and men should not pretend that these two feelings are the same, or that the first one is an acceptable substitute for the second one.

My guess is that many men would feel that admitting this is admitting that there is something wrong with them, that they are failures at intimacy. It would probably be better for them as well to accept that their needs are just different, incompatible – not “wrong”.

I think attempting to shut down your feelings and your desires is not going to work for many women, tea or otherwise. Life is short. Maybe the huge loss of ending the relationship and the risk of being able to find someone else will be well worth it in the end.

At least you will have tried. Whatever the outcome, at least you will have pursued being fully alive. I think just knowing that you really went for it is so important, such a thrill and a comfort. My advice is: Don’t settle. And don’t wait forever for something that in your heart you know will never happen.

My significant other and I are both in our late 60’s. She says she has never had any desire for sex, ever. She has never been married. I still am craving sex once a week. So, we have a relationship totally mis-balanced as far as sex goes.

Neither of us are on any kind of drugs. I really think that it is a mental issue for some as much as a lack of physical desire. I sincerely hope that the younger among you can find a balance that works for your relationship because as you get much older, you still might find yourself wanting sex almost as much as when you were younger.

I’m crying while reading some of these comments.

In a way I’m relieved that’s it’s not just me. I have been researching this for a while and have had trouble finding anything.

I’m on my second marriage to my high school sweetheart (literally the one that got away). I was married before to my first husband for 18 years and sex was the main reason it ended. It had been years (5-10) since we had sex and I fell back in love with the first man I ever fell in love with. We’re in our 3rd year of marriage (7th year together) and in the first few years together it was amazing. But now his sex drive is dead.

I’m going through early menopause (heavily, I might add) and he just doesn’t want me anymore. We have sex every Sunday, and as good as it is, it feels like a chore. If I try to initiate something on another day, he tries, but with his sexual dysfunction it usually fizzles and I end up crying and miserable. I’m not sure if our marriage will survive this and I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what to do.

Omg I am seeing that people are feeling frustrated if they only have sex once a week or once a month and I’m so jealous!
I am 49 and my husband is 45, we have been together for 17 years and the sex used to be amazing. I have some long term health problems but have always wanted and enjoyed sex. But for the last few years my husbands sex drive has died and sometimes we have gone 8 – 9 months without any form of sex.

I completely understand other people saying that they feel hurt and undesirable because so do I. For a couple of years I have bottled it up and have ended up having the two biggest arguments in our relationship. For a few weeks things improve and then it drops off to months apart again. I never go up to bed when he does now because it hurts when he turns his back on me and goes to sleep. The last time we had any sex was on his birthday in march and that’s the only time we have this year, can you see why I’m jealous?

I am trying to convince myself it doesn’t matter anymore but inside its killing me. I always laugh when I hear men saying that their wives are never interested, if only I could be like that. So here I sit looking for clues on how to reduce my sex drive while my husband is sleeping, feeling sad and alone. I love him with all my heart and this is the only problem we have, so I would rather go without sex and be with him than loosing him. So I keep quiet and just cry when I feel that I need to let it out.

I have a blood test next week so might ask the nurse for some advice or if there is a support group I can join, fingers crossed. Sorry for the long post but I’m having one of those sad lonely nights.

I have the same exact problem. My high sex drive and my partners low one has now started to cause problems. We’ve been together for two and a half years. The sex was always good and great at first and it started to steadily decline. Now whenever I want to have sex, I have to initiate and ask for it as well. And when we do it’s great. But now it’s once every month or so. I always hope to do it more frequently or have him initiate. Often times I’ll be hurt and think he is no longer sexually attracted to me. It often leaves my mind restless. Physical reassurance is so important to me. We’re very young and have plans for the future and he is an amazing man. But I can’t help but hold this against him. So in order to fix the problem I sought to diminish my sex drive. So far I’ve introduced more soy into my diet as well as drinking mint tea 3x a day. Maybe down the line I will go off of my birth control to help as well.

I am 24 and have real high sex drive. I’ve had this problem for a few years where my boyfriend’s sex dive is low. Also why no relationship ever worked out. I don’t want to live like this. What can I do to lower my sex drive?

Has this helped you any so far?

I’m 45, and I only get sex maybe 2 times a year. My husband has cheated multiple times. I feel like trash. I’m not attractive any more. I know this but then why won’t he just leave me?

I’m a 23 year old female and I have a high sex drive that would class me as a nymphomaniac, but the thing is, I’m so terribly unlucky in love or relationships of any kind due to my mental illness.

It’s extremely frustrating not being able to do the one major thing that makes me feel like I’m alive, but I’m not a whore that wants a million men, I just want one, but the guys I’m attracted to run away because I’m ‘crazy’.

I haven’t had sex in 8 months now and it is killing me, that’s why I NEED something that will help lower the stupid sex drive. If anyone’s had success with some herb or medication, please tell me.

Try masturbation. See my posts above.

I’m a 24 year old male and I’ve just about had it. Like others said the drive is distracting and usually doesn’t have much place in day to day life. When I was with a partner, sex was almost daily but I felt like the relationship was harmful. You know when you want the best for someone, yet their life choices just don’t coincide with yours. Just a unhealthy partnership, we were better friends than in relationship. I trusted though even if it was misplaced. She didn’t even let me go down on her, which looking back at it was a good reason to get out.

My doctor told me to meditate, keep my mind off of sex. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, but i don’t desire for sex to be the reason for it. So I’m trying to just avoid sex and masterbation altogether. I’m sure with enough time and will power my drive will naturally hit a lower point where I don’t wake up in the morning feeling stiff. Actually mens test is usually the highest in mornings usually when it’s the worst mentally for me. If that helps some married women out there.

However I was used to the evenings and it’s more than annoying if my body is always ready I have to keep myself busy with other means. When I don’t have thoughts about sex my body eventually catches up with me. My doctor may be right about meditating more, however the mornings I just need to get out of bed and hit the wieghts or get on my bike. As my mind will be harder to control after waking up. So Really now I just see it as a way to have kids when I’m ready, I’m not really in it for myself anymore and part of the reason I wish the drive would quel itself so I can focus more deeply on other more important things.

I read soy and flax help reduce testosterone, however I already have that in my diet maybe I need to cook more of it but Testosterone is an essential hormone. I don’t want to wack my balance by over consuming something.. I add Tulsie to my tea although it can be a little strong and bitter. I just don’t see the need for a sex drive currently is just causing me difficulty personally, so I am in the same boat. Guess I must deal with it in the mental relm of things, ease my mind.

You’ve got it backwards–
Use masturbation as the way to relieve your sexual needs. That’s what it’s for!
And don’t try to suppress your libido. That’s physically and psychologically unhealthy.
Men need regular release of semen to keep their reproductive organs, especially their prostates, healthy and help prevent prostate cancer.

When we first started dating and the first few months after we got married, the sex was great and constant…now, I’d be lucky if he said yes one day out of the week and actually followed through. We’ve talked about it but it recently just bubbled over after constantly being rejected and told pretty much that all I want is sex it just doesn’t seem to be getting better or that I may get better in the future. I’ve asked if it’s me or what I need to do but he just tells me no.

He waits for me to go to bed in the name of he is working. It’s one of the I get it only when he wants it and it’s so fast it’s only him that benefits. I lay awake and cry and wonder what is wrong with me. I want love I want a hug or even wrap ya pinky around my little toe that would be more action than I’ve had in a very long time.

I have felt so much like a freak because of this. I masturbate, which makes me bitter with him because I feel humiliated. The truth is, I don’t want sex all the time, but I want it spontaneously, so I don’t feel that he is doing it to humour me, or because he feels a duty. I don’t want to be a chore. I hate that I am ending up on the attack because nothing ever changes.

Even though I love him madly and I know I will never find anyone who loves me or treats me as well, I feel like this can’take go on and he agreed.

I can’t heighten his sex drive and I can’t spend my whole marriage expecting change and being disappointed, so the change has to come from me. I want to give the mint tea a try but I don’t know if such tea exist in Nigeria or where I could find it please help.

I have spent 25 years with a man that must be your husband’s twin! I’m sorry to say it’s unlikely he will change. The resentment and anger only grows when rejected over & over by the person who should love you the most. When a person loves you they will move heaven and earth to prevent hurting you. For 25 years I’ve been told I need to change. Well, there’s nothing left of the confident intelligent beautiful woman I was because I gave everything to him never receiving anything in return. He tells me he loves me everyday but actions not words matter.

Wow you just described my whole life exactly. Im happy to see that im not the only one going thru this. Good luck to us. Cheers

I was married 7 years ago, and 23 years old and my husband was 30 years old. In starting, he was very excited for sex, because we both were virgins at the time we get married. But as time passes his desire for sex just lowered down, and we have babies, it looks his desire for sex just end…. Afterwards he had his hernia surgery done, in result of that his desire get more low.

Now. my condition is that I have a pretty much normal level of sex drive that he is unable to fulfill….. Despite of this factor we are happily married with two little boys… First i just thought that i was only woman who faced these kind of problems….. I just don’t know what to do about my condition because discussing again and again about sex just make me feel shameless and disrespectful…..

See my posts above. Try masturbation.

I can’t find the link to the specific radio show episode mentioned here and it wou look down be so helpful. Can anyone link me to the right episode?

It was Show 680, back in 2008.

I got married to my husband almost a year ago and we’ve been together almost 2 years. I’ve always had a high sex Drive and I’m only 23 he’s just one year older.

When we first started dating and the first few month after we got married, the sex was great and constant…now, I’d be lucky if he said yes one day out of the week and actually followed through. We’ve talked about it but it recently just bubbled over after constantly being rejected and told pretty much that all I want is sex it just doesn’t seem to be getting better or that I may get better in the future. I’ve asked if it’s me or what I need to do but he just tells me no.

I hope the tea works I’d rather not want sex than crave it and continue the constant rejection.

Try masturbation. And please read my other posts above.

Every SIX WEEKS? I would’ve left by now.

I’ve been married for 17 years when we were 18 and 20. We love each other very much and he is very affectionate and tells me he loves me about 6 times a day, but we have sex less than once every 2 months. He just doesn’t desire it. He’s a fantastic lover and makes it all about me and I of course please him too. I have mentioned it many times over the years and even suggested counseling or asking if he still finds me attractive etc. He says he does but I don’t feel it and he certainly doesn’t show it. I no longer talk about it so I don’t put any pressure on him which can make it worse but that just means it doesn’t happen! I often feel it would be kinder for him to leave me but I hate the thought of not being with him. He’s wonderful to me in every other way so I can’t complain really. I just don’t know what to do.

I am truly shocked to see that there are so many women like me who are looking for ways to stop the sex drive. I’ve been with my man almost 20 years. He won’t touch me. Day or night. No hugs No snuggles.

He sleeps at the bottom of the bed. It’s one of the I get it only when he wants it and it’s so fast it’s only him that benefits. I lay awake and cry and wonder what is wrong with me. I want love I want a hug or even wrap ya pinky around my little toe that would be more action than I’ve had in a very long time.

I am a 22 yr old mom of 2. My daughter’s father is the love of my life and I want nothing more than to be with him. Everything is perfect between us except our opposite sex drives… I want it all the time, and he rarely does, and when he does, it doesn’t last long typically….

I have been diagnosed as a nymphomaniac and it really sucks, cause he told me tonight that he can’t be with a nympho…. Most of the time when we do it, it’s to “please me”, but at times it gets to the point that I’m practically begging and still don’t get it, which has caused me to wander a number of times…

I hate my sex drive and I want it to go away!!! I’ve heard about the tea, but does anyone know if working out helps too??

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years. It’s only during the past 4 years that things have slowed down to once week or twice month.

We both had the same sex drive. Now it’s me initiating it more. I think exercise, looking after my self better, and going to bed before him and refusing him for a change turns him. Just a thought for the rest to try getting busy else where on life and it might change their attitude about pleasing if they think ur loosing interest. Good luck to all with their personal lives as it’s hurtful. Being refused a lot can push you into the arms of another

I’ve been in my current relationship for almost a decade. My sex life with him died about a year after we got together.

At first he’d humor me, do some oral, but after a while everything stopped.

I would cry myself to sleep, beg him to do something about his ED, tell him that lack of sex or affection would kill our relationship… but he didn’t care. He still doesn’t.

We are now roommates that sleep in the same bed. At this point it’s fine; I feel no desire for him anymore.

He told me a few times if I needed sex I could get it elsewhere. I tried, but I need affection to get excited. I need more than just a fling.

Pleasing myself doesn’t satisfy anymore. There’s no one I want. Orgasm just makes me cry uncontrollably now.

I feel so broken and alone. I want the part of me that desires affection and sex to die so I can be happy again.

This whole thing has destroyed any self esteem I had. Well, where looks or desirability are concerned. Sure, I work hard and am great at what I do…but part of me wants to share it with someone who appreciates me, who desires me, all of me…but it seems as though that will never happen.

I’ll try the tea, if only to dampen my desire for sex. At least it’d be some relief.

Last night my husband and I had the 1 millionth argument on this and today I was crying out for help to get rid of my sex drive forever and that is how I came to fund this page.

My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 11. He is 11 years older than me. We started off very passionate, very sex driven. A year later we moved in tone there and it all changed so quickly. I put it down to the pressures of living out in the big wide world, work and tiredness. But his lack of sex drive has always been an issue for me. I think because he had 11 years before me to sleep around (which he did) I fell in love with him as soon as I reached 18 and he was my second sexual relationship. I don’t want anyone else but I resent that he may have had his sexual prime young and then he met me, it tapered off and now I am deprived of a sexual prime in my 20’s and 30’s. But I don’t want my sexual prime with anyone other than him. I love him so much and he loves me so much, too. We just differ so much in this area.

I go to bed hopeful every night, before work sex doesn’t exist, it did briefly in our first year. I gave up on the idea of spontaneous surprise sex through the night very early even though it is all I have ever wanted, to be woken up and feel lusted after. So, now I am left with is a couple of times a month on a Saturday morning, sometimes more on that one day because once I get started I don’t want to stop so it will happen again on that day.

I have felt so much like a freak because of this. I masturbate which makes me bitter with him because I feel humiliated.

The truth is, I don’t want sex all the time, but I want it spontaneously, so I don’t feel that he is doing it to humour me, or because he feels a duty. I don’t want to be a chore!!

I hate that I am ending up on the attack because nothing ever changes. Even though I love him madly and I know I will never find anyone who loves me or treats me as well I feel like this can’take go on and he agreed. I can’t heighten his sex drive and I can’t spend my whole marriage expecting change and being disappointed, so the change has to come from me.

I just want to sow my vagina up and take away the part of the brain that deals with this. I am in so much pain emotionally but it comes out in anger and it is destroying us. Is it called a chemical castration where you can take pills or have electric shock therapy for the brain? I don’the know, but I just don’t think that peppermint tea can fix me. I am broken, I have been since I was sexually abused throughout my childhood.

All sex has ever done is cause me pain.

I am done

Rachel, I am exactly in the same situation as you except I am a male. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people like you and I could get together. Sex is such a natural act and to me a woman like you are like gold ! I want sex all the time and someone like you would be perfect for me. I guess I am just dreaming , too bad.

You are young and beautiful. It’s wonderful to have a high sex drive. There is someone out there for you to make you happy. He is not the one.

I think you love the idea of being married and having a family. Women with a high sex drive have to have a great satisfaction and pleasure in a relationship otherwise those hormones make us super sick. It is not worth it.

I have been married twice: first time to a great man with almost zero sex drive; we still are best friends. The second time I was married to the love of my life, great sex, great life, perfect relationship until I found out he was abusing my son.

It was over the second I found out. I lost a lot. It was a tragedy and huge psychological trauma on me and my kids. I survived and raised 2 of my kids by myself for 9 years. I do not know how I did it but I know faith in God kept me strong. I was not dating.

I have been focusing on my kids. I am dating now but still I am not going to settle as I know there is someone better for me. Our sex drives are opposite as well and I often feel like a beggar. He is from a good family but he bullies me because of his incompetency …
I still have faith knowing the the great sex and relationship exists since I had it all. Please enjoy your life. It’s wonderful!

My boyfriend and I have been together only 8 months. He has his son every other week and I always have my daughter except for every other weekend. That’s the only time we are ever alone. So I understand that we candy just have sex all the time the way I would like, lol…but even in our alone time It only happens ones in the whole weekend. Two times if I throw myself at him. I feel unwanted sometimes, and I would really just like for him to be the one who craves me for once. I don’t know what to do. He’s 30, and Breen single for 3 years so I do t know if maybe he’s just so used to lack of sex that it doesn’t interest him that much anymore. It’s so hard to deal witb.

I am in a similar situation. My husband is 13 years older than me, we’ve been married for 10 years and my sex drive is way up and his is way down. We’ve had the fights, and I’ve felt the heartache of feeling rejected by my own husband.
I love him, but the thought of having to beg for him to touch me is more than I can handle. I am hoping to find a solution that will drastically reduce my libido. There are no miracle foods or drinks that work for me. Chemical castration is starting to sound like a good idea.

Amanda I can empathise with you. My story is so similar. I have tried so much to explain to my husband.

I have the same background with abuse in childhood, and I feel that sex has always been causing misery.
More of a problem now is that my libido has skyrocketed since coming off the contraceptive pills. I think they were really suppressing me. We were having sex once a week or less then, and it was no bother. Now I seem to want to do it every day.

My husband tries to facilitate me, and I know he does it as a chore which really makes me feel horrible. That is not the way it should be. I have tried giving him herbal booster pills. It made a little difference but I don’t want him to take those all the time. Plus it still feels like false emotions from his part.

I have tried the peppermint tea but it doesn’t seem to work for me.
The struggle is real.

I feel your pain…so much of what you wrote applies to me as well…the exact age gap, the urge to find a way to never have sex again. I, too, just wish to be desired. I’m looking for a supplement to help, but as you said, I’m doubting that mint tea is gonna do the job.

Good to know I’m not alone but sad to know there’s other ladies out there feeling this pain. I’ve noticed a lot of these comments asking about the efficiency of the mint tea but not many answers. I have used spearmint tea and peppermint tea and for me it actually does work which I am stunned about but so happy!

I am a 34 year old woman with a 53 year old husband and I love him so much but he has ED and in the last year has had lower and lower sex drive. I always let him approach me for sex as the other way round doesn’t work and it’s usually once a month but often less. In an ideal world I’d have sex with him twice a day, I think the minimum I could get by on would be once a week. I think about sex with him a lot and masturbate frequently while fantasising he is making love to me, sometimes while he sleeps next to me.

I feel so pathetic. However with a cup of mint tea morning and evening I soon lost my constant nagging desire and when we did have sex I wasn’t really fussed about it, plus over time my orgasm is getting weaker. I am so thrilled. To all those comments I’ve seen that say we with the desire are the normal ones and it should be our partners getting help to raise their libido: in an ideal world, yes. But us ladies have realised you can’t change other people, only yourself. For me this is the only way, I can’t make my husband change. Good luck to you all and I hope the tea works as well for you as it has for me.

Please stop taking the tea, and start trying masturbation instead!
Your kind of situation is what masturbation is for.

Thank you…I’ll definitely try the tea. I’m hoping that if my sex drive drops, my humiliation at not being desired will seem less, too.

I’m going through menopause and I went from not wanting to be touched to I can’t get enough. I’m in a relationship and he is much older than me. My libido is really starting to bother me. I can’t stop thinking about having my next climax. It’s taking over my life, it’s horrible. I’m definitely going to try the mint tea. When I first got separated 11 years ago I had the same problem. I was not in a relationship or even interested in dating. My doctor put me on zoloft. It definitely helped with my sex drive but it did have side effects. It was hard getting off it too. Glad I found this page.

I do understand. I can remember thinking my gosh how long before his sex drive starts to slow down…well I’ll tell you how long…ironically when mine woke up from the dead!

I feel bad after reading these posts bc I’m actually almost 61 and my husband is 62 and I’m not happy with twice a week. He has some issues with ED due to some meds he takes.

My sex drive hit when I was about 55. I often feel so awful for my husband how many times I was actually too tired from taking care of kids and working … how I regret each “no” now. My husband’s desire is not as active as mine but I now see I have nothing to complain about.

I’ve been married now for five years and we’ve been together ten going on eleven. In the beginning, we lived long distance so when we did get time together we were barely upright.

I’ve tried the “understanding” and I’ve gone through, and sometimes still do, the whole it’s got to be me things. I’ll be honest I know some of the years it has been me. We’ve had two kids and I’ll be an honest woman and say I didn’t exactly keep myself in shape. I thought to myself, “I had his babies he should be more understanding of my body changes, it the truth was, I wasn’t trying.” So I put my ass, literally, to work and when I got back into shape it helped soooo much.

For a while, and then it went back to desert land. I’ve been researching and the best explanation I can find is from the book, “the five love languages.” I’m a physical lover and he’s an emotional or acts of love. Total cliche role reversal, and mind f0ck if you ask me. It is sooo frustrating especially when I love him so much and want only him.

I’m beginning to cope now with either keeping myself busy and away, or keeping myself mad at him. Clearly neither is exactly healthy so maybe the prescription will help. Wish I knew someone local to talk to about this with.

I grew up with the teachings of waiting for sex untill mariage. I got married to a man with a low sex drive. I’ve been married for 17 years now and two kids.

I’ve been mad with myself, with God, and with my spouse. I blame me for getting married so fast and not junking things through. I get mad at God for giving such a high sex drive. I get mad at my husband for not realizing the importance of sex to me.

I need the physical touch, I desire the entire experience of sex. It’s almost like it needs to be part of my life. I believe it should be a beautiful experience for a married couple. I hate all the stories and articles that are out there regarding men with high sex drives. There is hardly any talk about women with higher sex drives then men. I always wondered why me…. why didn’t I get one of those men with a higher sex drive than me.

I’ve stayed in my relationship because I value marriage. It is so important for me that my kids have their parents. I have cried and cried and cried. This is my life. I have tried to understand him and tried being happy with less sex, but it doesn’t mean that the desire leaves me. It remains.

I have toys and let me tell you that by using them only keeps the urge of continuing to have sex. I can literally have sex in the morning, and at night, daily! But my husband is happy with it once or twice per month. He has tried and sometimes we have sex once per week. There are weeks and weeks without it.

I think I will try the mint tea. I will even consider the prescription pills. I am 35 now. I am hoping these sexual desires diminish over time. I am very sad over it! And yes…. I will continue to cry. I am sorry to hear that there are women out there going through the same issues. This is a topic that needs to be discussed before marriage.

I feel I can understand the pain and frustration you are going through, as I’m also going through the same every day. I want to be loved, touched, and feel love. I just wait every night for him to touch me whether he wants to have sex or not. Because if I initiate it, and he refuses, then I feel more worse. Then I better turn my back and sleep. I don’t know why some women suffer like this. I’m with you.

My husband and I will be married 5 years next month and we’ve had this problem for 4 in a half of those years. The sex was amazing before we got married. We did it all the time and the first 6 months of our marriage if even that. I guess it was just a honeymoon phase. Sadly, any sex drive he had just disappeared but mine stayed and I feel like it got even higher.

I’m so tired of being rejected that now it’s hard for me to initiate sex. I used to do it all the time but he always said no or made some excuse and went to sleep. I would lay next to him and cry I felt so lonely, so unwanted.

I always had so many bad thoughts about myself and thought maybe he was cheating on me but he wasn’t. I’ve talked to him about it but all I’d get was pity sex. Or I’d make him feel horrible for not pleasing me. So now I feel like I’ve somewhat learned to deal with it, but my labido is still high. And I just want to kill it so I don’t feel like this anymore.

I never expected to be happier in a relationship than I am now. Apart from that one thing. I too am looking to decrease my sex drive. My partner’s is very low but he admits he has no confidence therefore doesn’t attempt. I appreciate that his lack of confidence is the issue but until such time as it can be resolved either together or we part ways, I need to reduce my needs. As I have said, other than that, could not be happier. Reading through the site link by link, I cannot see any risk-less options that would work for me. So yes, kill me now. This is making us miserable as sin!

Very nice to know this is an issue for many women in their prime. Seems everyone on here is in a relationship (unhappily as I was). I just divorced. And not even remotely interested in dating.. or jumping from one bed to the next either as men are so quick to label that behavior and there’s no guarantee the end result will be satisfactory. At 40, I’m shocked to be feeling this way. I don’t seem to be in control of my thoughts so it’s very difficult to concentrate on the things I need to accomplish. I hate mint so that tea sounds horrible. And I don’t like to take medications as big Pharm. seems to push these “medications” out that are often very harmful to your body. I try to exercise and that seems to help a little. “Toys” don’t work, they just cause more irritability and frustration. I need human contact. The idea of getting a “partner to satisfy me” is not applicable since I don’t have one. Seems I am doomed to live in agony until this sexual “prime” passes. I’m going to go cry now. Thanks for everyone’s comments here.
Signed ~Helpless

I dislike that anyone has this very same problem, but I am so happy there are people who can relate. However, I feel like a spoiled child because I am internally blowing up and pouting about it. And reading where other women go much longer than I do without it makes me feel like I really have nothing to be complaining about. But this does confirm that I have a need to dampen my sex drive.

Well, this was a shock to see that there are so many struggling with this problem. I have been in my relationship for 7yrs now. I can literally count the times on one hand that we have had sex. I speak to him openly about how I feel, and hate the rejection. But this stays the problem. He is simply just not interested.

I also want the wonder cure for this problem as I am at whit’s end. I love him and want to stay faithful as my first marriage fell apart after 11 yrs due to my ex husband’s infidelity. I never want to hurt somebody in that way. Tea won’t do the trick. And spearmint I get an overdose from cause I am a bubble-gum eater. And Spearmint is my poison. Please help me how to handle this.

Although I’m a biology major, and I know messing with hormones is inadvisable at best, I’m desperate to lower my sex drive because I’m so, so scared of cheating on my boyfriend of 15 months. I love him to pieces, and we’ve had sex in the past…. but that was before we moved in with his christian parents, who go so far as to limit us from kissing too passionately. I’m sick of it, yes, but breaking the promise we both made to them to not have sex until we get married (i.e. as long as we live there, which is another 8 months), would ruin our lives if they found out. And yet, I am desperate for that physical contact, because that’s how I show my love most effectively, and how I feel loved most effectively.

I’ve actually caught myself trying to start “dating” other people just because I’m so desperate for physical love…. but I stop myself because I know I could never betray my boyfriend like that. Still, I hate myself for the strength of my urges and I wish there was a way to put them aside so we both didn’t have to worry about that all the time.

I have been in several relationships but can never find a partner that can keep up. Every man I meet only wants sex maybe once a week. The rejection makes me hate myself and I’ve spent numerous nights crying over it. When I finally do get sex it takes me longer than him so I never get mine. I want some help so I never desire sex again.

I love my boyfriend to death, I do but I’m 6nonths pregnant and I got super high sex drive and I keep getting mad cause keep getting rejected and then I get super sexually frustrated so somebody help me please what can I do to get rid of my high sex drive cause even when I’m not pregnant, got high sex drive but now I am pregnant.

It’s out of control. Somebody help me please. I need something to kill my sex drive and said spearmint tea but before I buy this tea, I wanna make sure it will completely kill my sex drive cause my sex drive causing problems with my boyfriend and I somebody please help I want my sex drive gone SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE

I always read comments here and first thing i felt relief that im not the only one .. i have been married from last 13 yrs. we had amazing sex life for first few years.i cant believe i was the one sometime dont wanted to disturb my sleep because he always wanted morning sex 4 or 5 .things changed now but still not that bad we have two to three time in a month and whenevr we have it its amazing he always give me priority over his .. im the one who is fixing times for it like weekend .. life is going fast now kids r growing up.everything is changing fast. My dad was in army and my mom used to wait for him for month and months. Sex wasnt issue for them .love ur partner be happy find anything creative keep ur self busy. I love him he loves me we making a beautiful is not everything . Its a part of life not life .i feel to have it more but i still manage how much he want with.but for some very young women u can rethink i of luck ladies ..?

Wow! I am so glad I encounter this site. My story is the same, I been married for 14 years and always having arguments about sex. I even thought my husband was homosexual.

I have kids and I feel is the only reason I am still with him. I have cheated on him and he discover it, secretly I wanted him to do so. I wanted him to get the message and we almost divorce but we stayed for our kids.

We don’t talk much even though he is nice and a very helpful person. We sleep separately because of his snoring and sometimes drives me crazy just to think that I am married but their is no connection except our kids. I really want a divorce but I hate the idea of my children going through it.

I seriously, believe that the sexual connection is a must in a couple and that without it things can quickly fall apart. The person I cheated with was just like me and I must say I love the feeling of someone wanted me so badly. Sex was all night and OMG it was intense but he was in another state with the same problem but with his wife. This experience make me feel that there is someone made just for you and that being sexual is not a curse but a gift. For my sanity and my family I will try the tea but as soon as my children are old enough, I am getting a divorce and will look for that special someone.

Seriously, mint tea is bullcrap and exercise only makes it worse. I don’t care the cost of the drug. I want ZERO sexual desire. HOW DO I GET THIS?????? There has to be some chemical to absolutely destroy my sex drive.

I have such a high sex drive that I have gotten physically sick from not having sex at least every few days. My man has the sex drive of a 17 yr old boy although he’s 31. I have tried multiple partners at once, toys, and anything else but nothing ever seems to be enough. I don’t know what to do or how to make it slow down where I can actually enjoy not being on the edge of orgazium 90% of the time. Please help!!

Help, my mother is 65 and lately she is finding younger men attractive…and will announce it at the store. She will say, “Boy, that clerk is handsome,” and he can hear her. I swear she sounds like a dirty old woman. What can I do to decrease her sex drive?

I can’t believe so many other women feel the same in this situation! I’ve been so frustrated lately; ashamedly, in the back of my mind, I’ve wished something would traumatize me toward sex, just so I didn’t want it. I love my fiancé so much, and my dissatisfaction is making him feel bad as well as exasperating the situation. I will try the spearmint tea ASAP. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one that feels this way.

I’m so grateful I found this discussion group. I can relate to each story, even though my situation is slightly different.

I’ve been with him for 11 years instead of 20+. I also noticed a few comments about how sex shouldn’t matter, or how we should just “get a dildo,” but sex is more than that. It’s the intimacy I miss most.

The thought of someone wanting me. Since I’ve been younger, I’ve never been able to feel pleased after masturbating. Instead of that exhale and release and ecstasy of feel this cramping, useless emotion. Thank you all for your honesty, it’s helped me understand that I’m not alone

I’m glad I found this forum. I thought I was the only one. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking to have such a want and craving for sex and intimacy and be turned down by your spouse.

Our sex life used to be incredible. Now he teases but never goes any further. I can’t talk to him without getting into an argument. I feel like I’m begging sometimes.

I read in other comments previous about masturbating and using toys but they don’t help when its intimacy you crave. Trust me I’ve tried to self satisfy to take the edge off but dear god I feel like I’m climbing the walls.

I’ve been researching how to stop my sex drive because I love my husband and don’t want to be consumed by my desires that aren’t reciprocated from him. The tea will definitely be something I’ll give a serious try to. If anyone has any other suggestions I’m willing to listen.

In so many ways it’s comforting to see women with the same issue.We have sex once in 6months.It is a miracle that I have two kids.Im only 35 and been married for 10 years.From Day 1 it has been the same story.He likes to sleep,eat and watch tv than have sex.

I married my husband when I was 15 and he was 19. This year will be our 27th anniversary, aged now 42 and 46.

Same as all of you, sex drive in my court, zero in his. I even told him that he helped create my sex drive. Heck, his sex drive was worse than mine for every year we’ve been married, except these past four years.

Foreplay is not even an option because it never was an option. We’ve had great sex everyday. But not everyday did I reach climax. Was I guilty of faking it? Yes ma’am, I was! But! Once or twice a month, we would have extraordinary sex! Let’s just say those were my days.

Then, once or twice extraordinary sex turned into once or twice in six months, then it was a year, and then years………. Because his days went from everyday to every three days to once a week to whenever he feels like it. And then it’s, “you going to waste this? get on” and you do because I mean come on, it’s not worth the argument that starts if you don’t.

The fight that always starts like this. Him: “You’re the one always complaining about not having sex and then, boom, when you’re offered, you don’t want to,” then you counter with, Me: “It’s not that I don’t want to. I really want to, but it would be better for me to be ‘ready’ for it.” And his reply…..ready for this? His reply is, “It’s not like you have to do anything to get ready for sex. I’m the one that has to get ready, you just have the hole…”
I am left dumbstruck. After all of these years, I’m just dumbstruck.

He has Viagra, TONS of it. He won’t take it because it gives him a headache and dry mouth afterwards. Ughhhh! WTH?! I think it’s laziness.

Everyone screaming masterbation, but you’ll find after forty, it’s not as easy as it once was. When “it works,” it’s shadowed by the guilt afterwards, so almost not even worth it.

Then, there’s this way he talks to me that I’m left feeling immature and wanton for suggesting a dildo into my “I need it” sex life. That leaves him getting angry and saying, Him: “I always knew I was never big enough to satisfy you.”

We’ve apparently reached this fabled age where sex is supposed to be no longer needed and or wanted.

In the end, it’s not even worth the clean up afterwards to have it.

I’m done!

Wow. I’m thinking we should start a support group/forum for this issue. It has surprised and really comforted me that so many other women are going through the same thing. You are NOT crazy for wanting sex several times a week, and your man should never make you feel that you need to do drastic things like drug yourself just because your desire is not reciprocated.

Love your horny self and know that you are a treasure, not a burden.

Add your thoughts to the conversation for some months now. I notice I always feel horny, my sex drive is so high, I want to do it everyday, but my husband is in the military.

I tried so many times to masturbate but I am not getting answers. I need a real human. I am thinking of meeting someone. pls help. What do I do

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