Q. My husband and I have been together for over 16 years. I’m 34 and he’s a few years older. I’m the one who wants to have sex more often.

I love him. He is a great guy, but sex once every three months is so frustrating to me. I would prefer two or three times a week.

I initiate love-making most of the time. I try not to ask but it’s so hard to just keep my sex drive to myself. I want the intimacy. I wish I could just take a pill to make me uninterested in sex.

A. Although there are some medicines that lower sex drive as a side effect, we cannot recommend them. They can cause too many other possible adverse reactions.

We recently heard from a woman who reported that drinking spearmint tea morning and evening reduced her overactive libido. Research indicates that spearmint tea can lower testosterone levels, which might help to explain this effect (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Another reader tried this approach and wrote: “The spearmint tea truly does work for decreasing sex drive. As a female with previously high sex drive, I’ve been greatly relieved by this. It has brought more harmony to my marriage. I had to drink it for a few weeks before I noticed the effect.”

You and your husband may also find counseling useful. We hope the spearmint tea helps.

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  1. Px

    She said he is older. And why so much focus on sex? For some this is not the most important thing in life.
    Me, being a female, came from having this as a very unbalanced aspect of my being to the point of me not being myself, and this happened up to almost her age. No healthy guy wanted to have a healthy relationship with me.
    I did not know the tea back then, but I had to come to God (whom I had not known entirely beforehand) and then start following each of his directions on thoughts, words, food, fasting, slow exercises with prayers, reading, daily schedule, etc., etc., to achieve the peace that, seemingly, was already thought of and laid out in nature.
    And, by the way, the tea, seemingly, also works for men with the same imbalance.
    What I am saying does not mean that a healthy higher libido is an imbalance. However, for some, what will be healthy (in their lives) is dictated by outside circumstances. In fact, I think for most (if not for all) of us it is this way.
    And, for the ‘unbeliever’, it is so nice to have peace and use our time, our brains, our energy to look at, enjoy and achieve other and higher things…
    This is a dream come true.

  2. BrianR

    There is a lot more going on than is being told. Lowering her sex drive treats the symptoms not the cause. We’ve been married 8 years, my wife is the same age as the questioner, and we have loving, joyful, wonderful, fun sex several times a week. She’s normal, something going on with him.

  3. alxzba

    While I agree completely with the comments that there’s more to this than his lack of physical intimacy, P Pharmacy offered a suggestion to what the wife asked for.

  4. BobK

    I agree that at age 34 this couple should be having sex several times a week. She is not the problem and should have her husband tested for his problem. It’s ironic how some people can spend 8 or 10 hours in the office five days a week doing work but can’t spend 20 minutes a couple times a week having sex which is the greatest pleasure on this earth! Something wrong with this picture in my opinion.

  5. Cindy M. B.

    I agree with all the comments! So many women (myself included!) would love to have a HIGHER sex drive, and here this woman has a perfectly good one and has to squelch it?! Doesn’t seem right, nosiree.

  6. ebm

    If you had read the last comment by PP, you would have noticed that they said “You might also seek Counseling” which could mean medical and psychological counseling.

  7. Georg

    There seems to be a prejudice in our current culture that says the higher sexed partner is supposed to accommodate the lower sexed partner. How could this be considered a partnership??? The lower sexed partner should be working to find a way to meet his partners needs and desires; at least as much as she works to accommodate him.
    Advanced sexual counseling seems to be called for — someone who really understands and is experienced with sex, not just some stock counselor.

  8. dj

    Tea is not the answer, nor is less sex. Find a way to stimulate the partner, and try many different ways. Put the tea in your teenager’s cup.

  9. Marcia

    I think it’s wrong to focus on decreasing the woman’s libido. I went through the exact same thing with my older husband. He said he didn’t even think about sex.
    After 12 years of dealing with it, he finally saw a urologist who referred him to an endocrinologist. He had high prolactin levels and started taking a medication to lower those levels. Within a couple of weeks, I had my husband back! I would recommend a visit to a urologist to rule out any medical issues.

  10. Dixidude

    What a shame! I’m 74.5 years old, my wife just turned 75, and we have sex once a week, plus a naked embrace nightly before going to bed. Of course, we hug throughout the day (retirement allows this), and reaffirm our love for each other at every opportunity. God gave man and woman sex as a wonderful gift.

  11. Dan

    Perhaps an investigation of manipulation of the Bosch and Jerome points on the outer ear for each might help balance this discrepancy.

  12. Ben

    For a couple so young, why is there no mention of what might be inhibiting the husband? What about a side effect of something HE’s taking that suppresses HIS libido? Been there.

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