a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Rachel

    Last night my husband and I had the 1 millionth argument on this and today I was crying out for help to get rid of my sex drive forever and that is how I came to fund this page.

    My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 11. He is 11 years older than me. We started off very passionate, very sex driven. A year later we moved in tone there and it all changed so quickly. I put it down to the pressures of living out in the big wide world, work and tiredness. But his lack of sex drive has always been an issue for me. I think because he had 11 years before me to sleep around (which he did) I fell in love with him as soon as I reached 18 and he was my second sexual relationship. I don’t want anyone else but I resent that he may have had his sexual prime young and then he met me, it tapered off and now I am deprived of a sexual prime in my 20’s and 30’s. But I don’t want my sexual prime with anyone other than him. I love him so much and he loves me so much, too. We just differ so much in this area.

    I go to bed hopeful every night, before work sex doesn’t exist, it did briefly in our first year. I gave up on the idea of spontaneous surprise sex through the night very early even though it is all I have ever wanted, to be woken up and feel lusted after. So, now I am left with is a couple of times a month on a Saturday morning, sometimes more on that one day because once I get started I don’t want to stop so it will happen again on that day.

    I have felt so much like a freak because of this. I masturbate which makes me bitter with him because I feel humiliated.

    The truth is, I don’t want sex all the time, but I want it spontaneously, so I don’t feel that he is doing it to humour me, or because he feels a duty. I don’t want to be a chore!!

    I hate that I am ending up on the attack because nothing ever changes. Even though I love him madly and I know I will never find anyone who loves me or treats me as well I feel like this can’take go on and he agreed. I can’t heighten his sex drive and I can’t spend my whole marriage expecting change and being disappointed, so the change has to come from me.

    I just want to sow my vagina up and take away the part of the brain that deals with this. I am in so much pain emotionally but it comes out in anger and it is destroying us. Is it called a chemical castration where you can take pills or have electric shock therapy for the brain? I don’the know, but I just don’t think that peppermint tea can fix me. I am broken, I have been since I was sexually abused throughout my childhood.

    All sex has ever done is cause me pain.

    I am done

  2. Amanda

    My boyfriend and I have been together only 8 months. He has his son every other week and I always have my daughter except for every other weekend. That’s the only time we are ever alone. So I understand that we candy just have sex all the time the way I would like, lol…but even in our alone time It only happens ones in the whole weekend. Two times if I throw myself at him. I feel unwanted sometimes, and I would really just like for him to be the one who craves me for once. I don’t know what to do. He’s 30, and Breen single for 3 years so I do t know if maybe he’s just so used to lack of sex that it doesn’t interest him that much anymore. It’s so hard to deal witb.

  3. Lucy

    Good to know I’m not alone but sad to know there’s other ladies out there feeling this pain. I’ve noticed a lot of these comments asking about the efficiency of the mint tea but not many answers. I have used spearmint tea and peppermint tea and for me it actually does work which I am stunned about but so happy!

    I am a 34 year old woman with a 53 year old husband and I love him so much but he has ED and in the last year has had lower and lower sex drive. I always let him approach me for sex as the other way round doesn’t work and it’s usually once a month but often less. In an ideal world I’d have sex with him twice a day, I think the minimum I could get by on would be once a week. I think about sex with him a lot and masturbate frequently while fantasising he is making love to me, sometimes while he sleeps next to me.

    I feel so pathetic. However with a cup of mint tea morning and evening I soon lost my constant nagging desire and when we did have sex I wasn’t really fussed about it, plus over time my orgasm is getting weaker. I am so thrilled. To all those comments I’ve seen that say we with the desire are the normal ones and it should be our partners getting help to raise their libido: in an ideal world, yes. But us ladies have realised you can’t change other people, only yourself. For me this is the only way, I can’t make my husband change. Good luck to you all and I hope the tea works as well for you as it has for me.

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