a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Erika
    Capalaba, Queensland, Australia
    Reply

    I’m a 23 year old female and I have a high sex drive that would class me as a nymphomaniac, but the thing is, I’m so terribly unlucky in love or relationships of any kind due to my mental illness.

    It’s extremely frustrating not being able to do the one major thing that makes me feel like I’m alive, but I’m not a whore that wants a million men, I just want one, but the guys I’m attracted to run away because I’m ‘crazy’.

    I haven’t had sex in 8 months now and it is killing me, that’s why I NEED something that will help lower the stupid sex drive. If anyone’s had success with some herb or medication, please tell me.

  2. Jessie
    Canada
    Reply

    I’m a 24 year old male and I’ve just about had it. Like others said the drive is distracting and usually doesn’t have much place in day to day life. When I was with a partner, sex was almost daily but I felt like the relationship was harmful. You know when you want the best for someone, yet their life choices just don’t coincide with yours. Just a unhealthy partnership, we were better friends than in relationship. I trusted though even if it was misplaced. She didn’t even let me go down on her, which looking back at it was a good reason to get out.

    My doctor told me to meditate, keep my mind off of sex. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, but i don’t desire for sex to be the reason for it. So I’m trying to just avoid sex and masterbation altogether. I’m sure with enough time and will power my drive will naturally hit a lower point where I don’t wake up in the morning feeling stiff. Actually mens test is usually the highest in mornings usually when it’s the worst mentally for me. If that helps some married women out there.

    However I was used to the evenings and it’s more than annoying if my body is always ready I have to keep myself busy with other means. When I don’t have thoughts about sex my body eventually catches up with me. My doctor may be right about meditating more, however the mornings I just need to get out of bed and hit the wieghts or get on my bike. As my mind will be harder to control after waking up. So Really now I just see it as a way to have kids when I’m ready, I’m not really in it for myself anymore and part of the reason I wish the drive would quel itself so I can focus more deeply on other more important things.

    I read soy and flax help reduce testosterone, however I already have that in my diet maybe I need to cook more of it but Testosterone is an essential hormone. I don’t want to wack my balance by over consuming something.. I add Tulsie to my tea although it can be a little strong and bitter. I just don’t see the need for a sex drive currently is just causing me difficulty personally, so I am in the same boat. Guess I must deal with it in the mental relm of things, ease my mind.

  3. Yvonne
    Nigeria
    Reply

    When we first started dating and the first few months after we got married, the sex was great and constant…now, I’d be lucky if he said yes one day out of the week and actually followed through. We’ve talked about it but it recently just bubbled over after constantly being rejected and told pretty much that all I want is sex it just doesn’t seem to be getting better or that I may get better in the future. I’ve asked if it’s me or what I need to do but he just tells me no.

    He waits for me to go to bed in the name of he is working. It’s one of the I get it only when he wants it and it’s so fast it’s only him that benefits. I lay awake and cry and wonder what is wrong with me. I want love I want a hug or even wrap ya pinky around my little toe that would be more action than I’ve had in a very long time.

    I have felt so much like a freak because of this. I masturbate, which makes me bitter with him because I feel humiliated. The truth is, I don’t want sex all the time, but I want it spontaneously, so I don’t feel that he is doing it to humour me, or because he feels a duty. I don’t want to be a chore. I hate that I am ending up on the attack because nothing ever changes.

    Even though I love him madly and I know I will never find anyone who loves me or treats me as well, I feel like this can’take go on and he agreed.

    I can’t heighten his sex drive and I can’t spend my whole marriage expecting change and being disappointed, so the change has to come from me. I want to give the mint tea a try but I don’t know if such tea exist in Nigeria or where I could find it please help.

    • Estephany Cardenas
      Ca
      Reply

      Wow you just described my whole life exactly. Im happy to see that im not the only one going thru this. Good luck to us. Cheers

  4. Unza
    Reply

    I was married 7 years ago, and 23 years old and my husband was 30 years old. In starting, he was very excited for sex, because we both were virgins at the time we get married. But as time passes his desire for sex just lowered down, and we have babies, it looks his desire for sex just end…. Afterwards he had his hernia surgery done, in result of that his desire get more low.

    Now. my condition is that I have a pretty much normal level of sex drive that he is unable to fulfill….. Despite of this factor we are happily married with two little boys… First i just thought that i was only woman who faced these kind of problems….. I just don’t know what to do about my condition because discussing again and again about sex just make me feel shameless and disrespectful…..

  5. Molly
    UK
    Reply

    I can’t find the link to the specific radio show episode mentioned here and it wou look down be so helpful. Can anyone link me to the right episode?

  6. Monique
    North Dakota
    Reply

    Others!!
    I got married to my husband almost a year ago and we’ve been together almost 2 years. I’ve always had a high sex Drive and I’m only 23 he’s just one year older.

    When we first started dating and the first few month after we got married, the sex was great and constant…now, I’d be lucky if he said yes one day out of the week and actually followed through. We’ve talked about it but it recently just bubbled over after constantly being rejected and told pretty much that all I want is sex it just doesn’t seem to be getting better or that I may get better in the future. I’ve asked if it’s me or what I need to do but he just tells me no.

    I hope the tea works I’d rather not want sex than crave it and continue the constant rejection.

  7. b
    The Moon
    Reply

    Every SIX WEEKS? I would’ve left by now.

  8. Lisa
    Devon
    Reply

    I’ve been married for 17 years when we were 18 and 20. We love each other very much and he is very affectionate and tells me he loves me about 6 times a day, but we have sex less than once every 2 months. He just doesn’t desire it. He’s a fantastic lover and makes it all about me and I of course please him too. I have mentioned it many times over the years and even suggested counseling or asking if he still finds me attractive etc. He says he does but I don’t feel it and he certainly doesn’t show it. I no longer talk about it so I don’t put any pressure on him which can make it worse but that just means it doesn’t happen! I often feel it would be kinder for him to leave me but I hate the thought of not being with him. He’s wonderful to me in every other way so I can’t complain really. I just don’t know what to do.

  9. Denise
    Alabama
    Reply

    I am truly shocked to see that there are so many women like me who are looking for ways to stop the sex drive. I’ve been with my man almost 20 years. He won’t touch me. Day or night. No hugs No snuggles.

    He sleeps at the bottom of the bed. It’s one of the I get it only when he wants it and it’s so fast it’s only him that benefits. I lay awake and cry and wonder what is wrong with me. I want love I want a hug or even wrap ya pinky around my little toe that would be more action than I’ve had in a very long time.

  10. Morgan
    TX
    Reply

    I am a 22 yr old mom of 2. My daughter’s father is the love of my life and I want nothing more than to be with him. Everything is perfect between us except our opposite sex drives… I want it all the time, and he rarely does, and when he does, it doesn’t last long typically….

    I have been diagnosed as a nymphomaniac and it really sucks, cause he told me tonight that he can’t be with a nympho…. Most of the time when we do it, it’s to “please me”, but at times it gets to the point that I’m practically begging and still don’t get it, which has caused me to wander a number of times…

    I hate my sex drive and I want it to go away!!! I’ve heard about the tea, but does anyone know if working out helps too??

  11. Rachel
    U.K
    Reply

    Last night my husband and I had the 1 millionth argument on this and today I was crying out for help to get rid of my sex drive forever and that is how I came to fund this page.

    My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 11. He is 11 years older than me. We started off very passionate, very sex driven. A year later we moved in tone there and it all changed so quickly. I put it down to the pressures of living out in the big wide world, work and tiredness. But his lack of sex drive has always been an issue for me. I think because he had 11 years before me to sleep around (which he did) I fell in love with him as soon as I reached 18 and he was my second sexual relationship. I don’t want anyone else but I resent that he may have had his sexual prime young and then he met me, it tapered off and now I am deprived of a sexual prime in my 20’s and 30’s. But I don’t want my sexual prime with anyone other than him. I love him so much and he loves me so much, too. We just differ so much in this area.

    I go to bed hopeful every night, before work sex doesn’t exist, it did briefly in our first year. I gave up on the idea of spontaneous surprise sex through the night very early even though it is all I have ever wanted, to be woken up and feel lusted after. So, now I am left with is a couple of times a month on a Saturday morning, sometimes more on that one day because once I get started I don’t want to stop so it will happen again on that day.

    I have felt so much like a freak because of this. I masturbate which makes me bitter with him because I feel humiliated.

    The truth is, I don’t want sex all the time, but I want it spontaneously, so I don’t feel that he is doing it to humour me, or because he feels a duty. I don’t want to be a chore!!

    I hate that I am ending up on the attack because nothing ever changes. Even though I love him madly and I know I will never find anyone who loves me or treats me as well I feel like this can’take go on and he agreed. I can’t heighten his sex drive and I can’t spend my whole marriage expecting change and being disappointed, so the change has to come from me.

    I just want to sow my vagina up and take away the part of the brain that deals with this. I am in so much pain emotionally but it comes out in anger and it is destroying us. Is it called a chemical castration where you can take pills or have electric shock therapy for the brain? I don’the know, but I just don’t think that peppermint tea can fix me. I am broken, I have been since I was sexually abused throughout my childhood.

    All sex has ever done is cause me pain.

    I am done

    • Arnold
      Reply

      Rachel, I am exactly in the same situation as you except I am a male. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people like you and I could get together. Sex is such a natural act and to me a woman like you are like gold ! I want sex all the time and someone like you would be perfect for me. I guess I am just dreaming , too bad.

  12. Amanda
    Indiana
    Reply

    My boyfriend and I have been together only 8 months. He has his son every other week and I always have my daughter except for every other weekend. That’s the only time we are ever alone. So I understand that we candy just have sex all the time the way I would like, lol…but even in our alone time It only happens ones in the whole weekend. Two times if I throw myself at him. I feel unwanted sometimes, and I would really just like for him to be the one who craves me for once. I don’t know what to do. He’s 30, and Breen single for 3 years so I do t know if maybe he’s just so used to lack of sex that it doesn’t interest him that much anymore. It’s so hard to deal witb.

    • Ana
      Houston
      Reply

      I feel your pain…so much of what you wrote applies to me as well…the exact age gap, the urge to find a way to never have sex again. I, too, just wish to be desired. I’m looking for a supplement to help, but as you said, I’m doubting that mint tea is gonna do the job.

    • Korah
      England
      Reply

      Amanda I can empathise with you. My story is so similar. I have tried so much to explain to my husband.

      I have the same background with abuse in childhood, and I feel that sex has always been causing misery.
      More of a problem now is that my libido has skyrocketed since coming off the contraceptive pills. I think they were really suppressing me. We were having sex once a week or less then, and it was no bother. Now I seem to want to do it every day.

      My husband tries to facilitate me, and I know he does it as a chore which really makes me feel horrible. That is not the way it should be. I have tried giving him herbal booster pills. It made a little difference but I don’t want him to take those all the time. Plus it still feels like false emotions from his part.

      I have tried the peppermint tea but it doesn’t seem to work for me.
      The struggle is real.
      Frustrated.

    • Betty
      Pennsylvania
      Reply

      I am in a similar situation. My husband is 13 years older than me, we’ve been married for 10 years and my sex drive is way up and his is way down. We’ve had the fights, and I’ve felt the heartache of feeling rejected by my own husband.
      I love him, but the thought of having to beg for him to touch me is more than I can handle. I am hoping to find a solution that will drastically reduce my libido. There are no miracle foods or drinks that work for me. Chemical castration is starting to sound like a good idea.

  13. Lucy
    UK
    Reply

    Good to know I’m not alone but sad to know there’s other ladies out there feeling this pain. I’ve noticed a lot of these comments asking about the efficiency of the mint tea but not many answers. I have used spearmint tea and peppermint tea and for me it actually does work which I am stunned about but so happy!

    I am a 34 year old woman with a 53 year old husband and I love him so much but he has ED and in the last year has had lower and lower sex drive. I always let him approach me for sex as the other way round doesn’t work and it’s usually once a month but often less. In an ideal world I’d have sex with him twice a day, I think the minimum I could get by on would be once a week. I think about sex with him a lot and masturbate frequently while fantasising he is making love to me, sometimes while he sleeps next to me.

    I feel so pathetic. However with a cup of mint tea morning and evening I soon lost my constant nagging desire and when we did have sex I wasn’t really fussed about it, plus over time my orgasm is getting weaker. I am so thrilled. To all those comments I’ve seen that say we with the desire are the normal ones and it should be our partners getting help to raise their libido: in an ideal world, yes. But us ladies have realised you can’t change other people, only yourself. For me this is the only way, I can’t make my husband change. Good luck to you all and I hope the tea works as well for you as it has for me.

    • Ana
      Reply

      Thank you…I’ll definitely try the tea. I’m hoping that if my sex drive drops, my humiliation at not being desired will seem less, too.

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