a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

This article was written several years ago in response to a question from a visitor to this web site. Since that time we have received over 300 comments from other visitors to this page. Many are heartbreaking. It is clear that a great many women are experiencing frustration because their partners have a low libido or zero interest in sexual activity. These women think that the only answer to this dilemma is to suppress their female sexuality. Many of these women are relatively young. We find that tragic.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. This seems like a terrible solution to what appears to be a growing problem in America. Suppressing female sexuality with powerful drugs makes no sense to us.

Antidepressants that Alter Female Sexuality:

Most of the antidepressant medications such as citalopram, fluoxetine, paroxetine, sertraline and venlafaxine will have an impact on male and female sexuality. Adverse reactions include dampening of desire (low libido), difficulty with sexual arousal, inability to achieve orgasm, pain and general dissatisfaction with sex. The incidence of such side effects can range from 40 to over 80 percent (Mayo Clinic Proceedings, Sept., 2016).

You won’t see these kinds of numbers in the official labeling for most antidepressants. That’s because people are often reluctant to discuss something so personal with a heath professional. Here is what the FDA mandates in the official prescribing information for some antidepressants:

“Reliable estimates of the incidence and severity of untoward experiences involving sexual desire, performance and satisfaction are difficult to obtain, however, in part because patients and physicians may be reluctant to discuss them. Accordingly, estimates of the incidence of untoward sexual experience and performance cited in product labeling, are likely to underestimate their actual incidence.”

Drug-Induced Male Disinterest in Sex:

One of the contributors to a lack of male libido could be related to medications. Not only do antidepressants like duloxetine (Cymbalta) cause sexual dysfunction in men, so do drugs for urinary difficulties brought on by benign prostate enlargement (BPH).  These would medications such as dutasteride, finasteride and tamsulosin.

Many other drugs can also contribute to low sex drive. Before a couple gives up on sex, it is important to consider medications as a factor and ask a health professional whether there are alternatives that won’t dampen desire.

Other Antidepressant Side Effects:

If a woman asks a physician for an antidepressant prescription to kill her sex drive she should know about other consequences. That’s because such drugs have a long list of side effects that are quite worrisome.

In addition to decreased libido, antidepressants can cause weird dreams, drowsiness, dry mouth, sweating, hot flashes, insomnia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, tremor, blurred vision, headache, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, irregular heart rhythms, diarrhea and weakened bones.

Stopping antidepressants suddenly can trigger withdrawal symptoms including nightmares, brain “zaps,” dizziness, vertigo, headaches, anxiety, irritability, nausea, diarrhea, tremor, fatigue and visual disturbances.

Spearmint To Lower Libido?

Here is an alternative to antidepressants that might be safer. A reader shared this story about female sexuality:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including saltpeter, chaste tree berry or licorice.

Licorice to Lower Libido is Risky

Another Option re: Female Sexuality:

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

NEW YORK NY – FEBRUARY 24 2017: Dr. Ruth Westheimer attends ‘As You Are’ New York Premiere at Village East Cinema

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to our interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive.

We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to Radio Show 680: Enjoying Sex After 50. You can listen to the streaming audio for free by clicking on the green arrow inside the black circle just under the title.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem. There are hundreds of comments. Take a few minutes to read some of these poignant stories.

Revised: 7/20/17

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  1. Lily

    I’m 27 years old and have a very high sex drive. It distracts me from pretty much everything. Pretty sure I’m almost to the point of sex addiction. What bothers me the most, I can’t handle it myself. I read articles online about self satisfaction to help ease the tension. Doesn’t work. Without a partner I can’t get myself to orgasm.

    Doesn’t help I can’t get a relationship either. Despite many efforts to socialize romantically in Platonic ways, things get sexual very quickly. In the end that’s all I’m “good for”. Love interests lose interest. If I happen to find someone who’s willing to let things be just about sex, a Friend with Benefits (or whatever term you choose to use), eventually they begin to develop the feelings we agreed not to have. Then I’m the jerk for not being able to reciprocate them. Sometimes I’m the one that develops emotional attachments, and again I get rejected because that’s not what we agree too.

    In the long run, it’s become a good portion of cause for my depression. Mind you it’s NOT the only cause. It does however fuel the negative thoughts concerning self worth, appearance, self doubt, and understandings of who I am. There are times where I’ve considered my hypersexuality to be a symptom of my depression, in that self destructive way.

    A means to feel better about myself. But then I started my antidepressants and my libido increased. The better my mood, the more I wanted that type of attention. It became a vicious cycle since finding a partner also became more difficult.

    I’ve tried talking to friends or family about it. However there in lies another source for self hatred. I’m very often met with the question “Have you tried simply not spreading your legs?” My therapist is one of two people in my life that hasn’t called me a whore (the other being a close friend from high school).

    Men and women alike have shamed me quite a bit for my seemingly constant state of arousal. Which makes me hate it so much more. Sometimes it even begins to feel like a double standard. A few of the guys in my college classes are held in high regards among their friends for being able to sleep with loads of women. Sure the occasional female will call him down, but doesn’t stop her from sleeping with him still.

    Now as I lay here pouring my heart out to strangers all over, I’m lost at what to do anymore. I just want it to end.

  2. Freedom M

    I have been married for 5 yrs to the love of my life. He is my other half in so many ways. We have known each other for more then 25 yrs.

    We started out as friends, and quickly connected on a much deeper level than any relationship either of us has ever known. Sex was not an incompatible issue, we both enjoyed pleasing each other.

    Then suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband began to avoid situations that potentially could lead to physical intimacy. I, like so many of you, began to see this as my fault. That I had some how become less attractive or sexually appealing to the man I am in love with.
    My self esteem, and self worth in my marriage took a full on nose dive. We began to argue over everything. When we never really argued before. I cried myself to sleep more often than not. I was desperate to find a solution that would restore my marriage. I would have wonderful dreams of how my marriage used to be. Only to wake up and remember how different things were. Then I would begin to cry. (No one should be made to feel so lonely).

    I hate to imagine my life without my husband. Trust me, I have contemplated leaving him. Only to realize that marriage is about more then sex. I don’t want to go the rest of my life without it. But I am unwilling to leave him.

    If I could find some way to suppress the emotional impact of not having sex I feel we could have the reckless love we once did.

  3. Ashley

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 6 months. For the first 2-3 months, we had amazing sex, almost everyday, and sometimes, multiple times per day. Now, it’s become rarer, with me usually having to initiate things. Or I’ll try to start, and he’ll clearly be aroused, but he won’t follow through. I just don’t understand. He told me that he’s sexually attracted to me and that he enjoys the sex, so I don’t see what the issue is.

    Other guys express sexual interest in me and tell me I’m beautiful. I am flattered, but they are just random people, and I just want that from the man I love. I’m wondering if it’s even worth it at this point to continue dating someone who makes me feel ugly, unwanted, and undesired.

    I’ve expressed all of this to my boyfriend, and he has yet to change. In the meantime, I would like to try some supplements to lower my sex drive if I can get a hold of them. And by the way, I am 30 years old and in my sexual prime! It’s sad that my life has come to this.

    • Tracy
      Arlington il

      I feel I’m in the same situation as these ladies, I am more then happy to have sex once a week but my husband shows no interest anymore. If I try to initiate something . He pushes me away makes and excuse to get up the only time he tries to initiate is after he’s been drinking and well that alters my feeling I feel he needs alcohol to want me I feel he don’t find me attractive we over all have a great relationship.

      I get moody or I cry, half the time he don’t notice. When he does notice and I explain he don’t see my point . He blames stress. Am I greedy thinking I have needs to so he should at least satisfy my needs?

      When I finally hit the point today maybe I need something to lower my sex drive. Who knew at 43 I’d be one not having sexual relations before we know it I’ll be hitting my point to where I may not be interested.

      That’ll be the time he turns it on me saying it’s my fault. I get jealous that people on tv have sex and I don’t I’m at a point idk what to do.

  4. Emmy

    I am suffering from my partners lack of interest in me. Please don’t think having a hysterectomy will help lower your sex drive. I had one 15 months ago and it only gotten worse. Now I am more frustrated than ever. I honestly want to just crawl in a hole and die, every night of my life.

  5. Betty

    Married 50 years. We had great sex when we were first married. Now I (woman) still want,need sex but husband is not interested. We have great love for each other, so I guess that will have to do. I long to be touched. So sad. Husbands out there, even if you are not interested in sex, at least touch your woman.

  6. Ben

    I am a man, 43 yrs old, on my second marriage, with 3 kids from my first marriage who stay with us every other week. My wife, 38 yrs old, is on her second marriage as well, with one child from her first marriage who is with us full time but stays with his dad every other weekend. We have been married almost 4 years.

    I have some depresssion issues but I take Wellbutrin which makes them almost irrelevant. My wife has some anxiety issues but she is not medicated for those. She tried a very small dose of something for a very short amount of time but it immediately almost completely shut her down sexually so she quit taking it.

    My sex drive is higher than my wife’s sex drive and it causes some frustration between us. She feels bad, like she is not enough for me and I feel bad, like she is not attracted to me. Even though I have explained that she isn’t a disappointment to me, she sort of withdraws further if we ever address it, as I guess she just doesn’t believe me. This, of course, makes matters worse.

    We probably have sex 2-3 times a week, which is not bad at all, but I feel like she just lets me have sex with her. She does not seem to enjoy it at all. We had amazing sex while we were dating and for probably the first 3 years of our marriage. My absolute favorite thing is to perform oral sex on her, which she was always crazy about until about 7 months ago.

    Her complaints started with my tongue being too cold from toothpaste (which I understand) and my stubble being too prickly (which I also understand), but I had never heard any of this before, and then it moved on to me applying too much pressure with my tongue to so many sensitivities and issues that I just didn’t perform oral sex on her for a couple of months, after agreeing with her that somehow she must have injured her clitoris. Since oral sex is the only way she is able to orgasm, that means she went without having an orgasm for 2 months also.

    I have started performing oral sex on her again, very gently, very hesitantly and very infrequently – all because she will call it off if I mess something up and going at it like I used to just no longer works, but it just isn’t the same and she continues to have lots of issues with how it is being done and frequently just cancels that part of the session. Furthermore, she has quit kissing me while we are having sex. Her complaints there are that I just had my mouth on her vagina (which I guess I can understand, but that has not been and issue before), I am “slobbering” (but I have never heard that before and certainly don’t think it to be true), her lips are sore or chapped (during the summer?) and for a variety of other reasons.

    If I mention that it hurts my feelings that things seem so different now or if I try to find out what is wrong so I can fix it, she just gets furious, anxious, frustrated and emotional and threatens to leave me, etc… because she can’t please me. I spend the next two hours convincing her that we should probably calm down and keep this contained and not allow it to morph into our entire lives suck or anything like that. By the time we finish with that whole song and dance, we are both so exhausted we can’t even discuss the actual issues I was trying to address, which is maybe her plan the whole time.

    We spend the next few days trying to warm up to each other again and then it sort of goes around again. I am to the point of: (a) trying to masterbate whenever I feel any sexual urges (which is daily), even though that does not at all fulfill my need to be physically loved by my wife and to feel desired by my wife and to feel like my wife is enjoying or wanting sex with me – it just takes the edge off so that maybe I can ignore it for long enough to make sure I don’t set her off again; and (b) I am actively looking for ways to simply get rid of my sexual desire – even if I had no desire, I would accommodate her at any time if she ever decided she wanted sex or anything sexual from me or with me.

    Of course, there is always the possibility of finding some other actual human to please and to feel pleasure from, but I really love my wife and I find her extremely attractive and I do not want to irreparably harm our relationship. I am just starting to feel like maybe the feeling is no longer mutual. I have put on a few pounds (I am 5’10” and weigh 185-195) and I used to be in the 175-185 range, and while I am by no means gorgeous, I am not ugly either.

    She says she has put on a few pounds also, but I honestly do not notice or think she looks one tidbit less attractive than she did when we started dating. She is 5’3″ and weighs probably 130-135. She says she should be 120-125 or something like that. Maybe she is just feeling badly about herself. She has also started having a tough time with smoking (she smoked for a few years in her late teens early 20’s but then never did again until I stupidly introduced it casually and very occasionally when socializing and drinking) whenever she can and to deal with stress, biting her fingernails constantly and obsessively, picking at the skin around her fingernails constantly and obsessively when her nails are all gone and abandoning the fairly strict diet she used to adhere to (mainly avoiding things she thought she was allergic to). While these things (other than abandoning the diet) annoy me and concern me, I mainly mention them as other changes I have noticed in case there is any relation to what is going on with us sexually.

    She has no desire to go to counseling, as she does not think we have any issues. She just thinks I want to have sex too much and she just doesn’t need it as much. When I mention that she used to need it and want it almost (but not quite) equally with me (but even when not needing it or wanting it, definitely always enjoying it unless we had literally had sex 3 times in 24 hours or something like that) up until about 7 months ago, she just say she is not a static person and she is obviously changing and that I just need to accept that.

    I am not a complete fool, so I know there is the possibility that she could be having an affair, but I really don’t think that is it. First, I don’t think she would do that. Second, she completely denies that and is pissed by the insinuation if I ever bring it up, but I think that is a pretty standard response of both people who are and people who are not having affairs. Third, I just don’t think she has time to have an affair, as we work together and are together most of the time, and we have open access to each other’s phones, texts, emails and Facebook, etc…

    I am to the point in my relationship where I don’t even feel comfortable rolling over and fondling her in bed or fooling around with her in the kitchen or on the couch or at work (since I own the business), all of which I used to with ease and regularity. She doesn’t seem to enjoy me being playful about these things anymore and she definitely isn’t playful about such things with me. If she thinks it has been too long and that I need some attention, she will dutifully, in bed, at night, but only under those exact circumstances, offer herself to me in a formal manner or please me with her hands or very reluctantly with her mouth.

    She is a great person and I love her and I want her. I also think she tries to meet my needs. Unfortunately, I need her to enjoy and want sex with me and I also need playfulness, passion and spontenaity (so?). I don’t want to dampen my libido but I am definitely going to try to do so and hope that I either quit wanting these things altogether or get some of them with sufficient regularity to feel like I am wanted and loved and appreciated.

    Your thoughts, comments, suggestions and criticisms are welcome and appreciated. I may just be selfish and need to be told to shut up, so it is fine to tell me that. I may be on the right track, however, in feeling like something is amiss and needing to either keep after a solution or go in a different direction, so it is fine to tel me that as well.

    I appreciate so many of you being willing to be so open on here. Just reading your entries and then writing my own has been helpful and has made me feel some better. I would still like some passionate lovemaking on a regular basis, though, with my wife wanting, needing, enjoying and kissing me. Is that too much to ask? Maybe so. I just had it for so long that I really feel empty now that it is gone.

  7. Renee

    I listened to a video that was dealing with the lowering of the male libido and it seems that the chemicals in the cans and plastic bottles we get our drinks from contain BPA which increases estrogen in men. In other words, males are being feminized. “BPA is a weak synthetic estrogen found in many rigid plastic products, food and formula can linings, dental sealants, and on the shiny side of paper cashier receipts (to stabilize the ink).

    Its estrogen-like activity makes it a hormone disruptor, like many other chemicals in plastics.” A suggestion: buy/store drinks in glass bottles for awhile and see if it makes any difference. I think this is something to look into.

    • Misti

      I am so grateful for your honesty on this post! I am currently experiencing the same thing with my husband. There’s this idea that men are supposed to want sex all the time, and when my husband wants sex once every 4-6 weeks it’s very heartbreaking. There are so many times that I feel so unwanted, undesirable, uncared for and so on. And nothing I do seems right or enough. When I’m the only one who is actually trying. I honestly feel like the spouse with the lower libido should want to meet the need of the other spouse happily. It’s a whole lot better than having them let someone else meet that need. I don’t think it is too much to ask to be loved, cherished and desired. I definitely struggle with trying to calm my needs to not cause frustration in the relationship. But I also think life could be better or different, and it’s just a struggle.

      In one sense I feel like my wants and needs should definitely be met, and on the other I feel like it’s best just to try to push those needs away. I’ve thought about ending my marriage so he and I could find more compatible partners. I know he and I could find attractive partners that may be better for each of us. Sex, intimacy, passion, playfulness can be such a great part of life. A de-stressor!!! I don’t want to just live a passionless life. Having passion and love in the bedroom would definitely radiate from me and better the other areas of my life. I would be overjoyed as I know many on here would. I feel your pain. I hear you loud and clear.

    • Jay

      Exact same place except I now don’t get to sleep in the same bed and sex is off the menu.

      Maybe withdrawal of sex is more about control than anything else. I agree that finding sex elsewhere won’t work but being told to do so is even worse.

      Getting a divorce and starting again would leave us both on the breadline rather than comfortable and secure.

      I’m 62 male and don’t understand any more than you do. I can only conclude that she feels that she deserves more like a new kitchen and car etc and this is mostly about punishing me for spending money on education rather than status symbols.

      Searching for ways to reduce sex drive in order to comply is a search for a holy grail. Maybe it’s better to leave and start again because the only guaranteed way to dispose of sexual urges is to shoot yourself in the head.

      This is of course the most stupid response but many people are driven to such desperation to consider the option.

      Very hard to deal with. Probably just walk away and start over is the most sane way to respond.

  8. A.H.

    My husband and I dated when we were teenagers and then split for 4 years. We are going on 6 years of marriage and have struggled with our sex life since we have been back together. I feel like I always want it and he would be fine with once a month.

    Even when we do have sex, I feel like it’s just his body telling him it’s time. It has been completely heartbreaking to go all this time feeling undesired. I have never dealt with this before him and I don’t know what to do. We have talked about it several times over the past 6 years but nothing has changed. I am willing to do whatever it takes to lower my sex drive or make It go away altogether. He won’t do anything to increase his so I know it falls on me to make this issue go away in our relationship.

    At this point, Masturbation doesn’t work any more and I feel like my options are extremely limited. It is good to know that I’m not alone in this battle. We are in our early 30s and none of my friends understand what I’m going through. Any tips and/or suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated!

  9. SageN

    My husband and I have been together a total of 22 years and married for 15. In the beginning our sexual prowess was great. By year two of our marriage I noticed a great decline in our lovemaking. It was so bad I would cry myself to sleep every night. Imagine feeling so alone while your partner is asleep right next to you. This continued for about six months or so until I gained the courage to speak up about it even though he didn’t want to talk about our issue. I insisted we talk about it and proceeded to let him know how this was affecting me and us in the long run.

    Long story short; although we continue to have the same problem today the difference now is that we now talk more openly about our lack of intimacy and various ways in which to deal with it.

    To date we exercise together and that helps a lot. We have committed to try a new position at least twice a month. We are in the process of seeking alternative natural remedies to help with both of our libido’s but the most important factor is that we continue to discuss our sexual needs openly and honestly.

  10. Charity

    I feel relieved to know I am not alone.

  11. Jessica

    Every relationship I’ve been in, the sex is great in the beginning but suddenly the men don’t want to have sex with me anymore. I didn’t think I was that bad. Maybe I am, and I know my looks don’t help. I went 17 years without a man touching me! Not even to kiss me. My husband wanted nothing to do with me. Once he finally left me, and I started dating the same thing happen. I started having sex with the guy, then suddenly nothing. Just pity sex once every 6-8 weeks which is worse than none at all. The next 2 relationships we’re exactly the same. I just don’t want to have the desire anymore!!! I’m desperate to find something to help me. I don’t want to ask my doctor because they’ll start pushing me to see a shrink. and I’m not going through that again!

  12. Hb

    I have read some of the stories and comments and I am glad to know that I am not the only one out there. I would really like advice for my own issues and problems. To start my story I will say this started four years ago when I got out of a bad marriage that was 15 years long. The first person I found during my separation and divorce process was a man that I have know for over 20 years and someone I considered my best friend as well as family from Jr high. We even dated a couple of times during the beginning of our friendship and I figured we were better off as friends. Over the years we lost touch but we were never far from each other’s thoughts as we both figured out. We ran into each other a couple of times before my marriage really stated to dissolve. I told my friend I was happily married, I guess this was me trying to convince myself more so than anyone else. Any way, a month after my ex and I separated I ran into my friend, his brother and their grandma in a local store and that is where it go started. We started dating a couple of weeks after that. I believe this man is my soulmate and we have a great relationship other than the sex issue. He makes me feel so wonderful when we do have any intimate contact, but mostly I just feel like I’m a friend and nothing more. The love we have goes stronger daily, but I am sinking into a depression and mind set that I am ugly and not worthy of someone who is able to have all of me loved and wanted. I feel like I need to get rid of the side of me and all things relating to sex.

    I took all things relating to sex and boxed them up the other day just to try and break the spell of needing sex in my life. I don’t know what else to do.

    We live in a small town that doesn’t have sex therapist in it and I have had bad experience with some of the counselor in my town, plus I will admit to say there is a huge issue with being embarrassed by this issue.

  13. Christine

    I’ve been trying to lower my sex drive for the past six months. I’m only 19 years old. What’s funny is that society thinks men are the ones that want sex more when in reality it’s surely the opposite. I feel so ashamed to have to lower my sex drive and dampen my sexuality to maintain my relationship. It’s heartbreaking really.

  14. Ashley

    I thought I was alone! Even though I will still deal with feeling like an undesirable oaf, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I guess I’ll be drinking a lot of tea.

  15. Ann
    North carolina

    Surprised no one mentioned masturbation as relief from high libido

    • Hb

      I know how you feel, cuz that is exactly how I feel

    • Shyanne

      Not everyone can masturbate. I’m 23 years old and I’ve had this issue for 3 years now and I’ve tried to over and over again and it doesn’t satisfy me at all I can’t even get “there” for lack of better term.

    • Julia

      I am unfortunately to the point that masterbation only teases me and doesn’t alleviate any issue. My husband became asexual due to cancer, I love every minute I am with him and wouldn’t want anyone else. But am at a loss. So they may not have said anything about masterbation because they too have reached the plateau of how much it actually helps.

    • Elishevah
      Arkansas, USA

      Masturbation followed up with a dildo only does so much. And quite frankly the pad of my finger is rougher than a nice soft wet tounge and can damage and irritate an aging clitoras.

  16. Me

    Other than the fact the last day we had sex was on our wedding night, we have an awesome relationship, he cares about us and is an amazing husband but almost a year without sex is starting to drive me crazy, he doesn’t like to talk about it, so I don’t know what is going on. I’m going nuts here!

  17. Suzana
    El Paso, TX

    Currently heart broken in my relationship. I feel unwanted, undesired and worst of all, unloved. I’m even considering a hysterectomy. I’m on antidepressants, so I know they are not affecting my libido. I am desperate to find a supplement to lower my libido. I don’t even want to feel desire. A life without sex would set me free.

    • Elishevah
      Arkansas, USA

      I had a partial hysterectomy 20 years ago. It did not help one bit, actually may have made it worse since I no longer bleed and feel free to have sex anytime.

  18. Susan K
    Louisville, Ky

    Your story sounds exactly like the kind of sexual relationship my husband & I had earlier in our relationship. I almost didn’t marry him because of it. I did marry him 8 years ago because I decided he had so many wonderful traits. We went to a sex therapist before we married, and she asked him to get his testosterone levels checked. It was extremely low, but not really, according to his internist. He said it was within “normal” range for a 59 yr-old man. But my hubby went to an alternative health doc who used testosterone pellets to bring the levels up. In the meantime we talked to 2 other sex therapists, and the last one we really connected with. She helped us learn how to talk about what we needed sexually from each other. Then we found a place to get testosterone shots, and hubby is now self-administering 2 testosterone shots per week. And I found from hormone testing that my testosterone had gone down over the years. I use all bioidentical hormones, estridiol/testosterone cream(applied daily to labia) & progesterone capsules. Keep in mind that we are 68 & 69 years old! For the last 2 years we have had the most amazing sex life! It has totally changed our marriage. We are so much more connected and so much happier.

    Please have your hubby check into hormone replacement, and keep looking for someone to talk to until you find one that suits you both. Don’t let all the rest of your married life be sexless!

  19. Liz

    Sexual anorexia can be a real, serious problem in a relationship. It led to the end of my 21-year marriage. If you haven’t sought help or tried Dr. Ruth’s suggestions, please do! I know from personal experience how incredibly hurtful it is for a woman to hear that her partner finds her attractive and/or sexy, but he’s just not interested in having sex with her. (I’m sure that works both ways; I can only speak for myself.)

    Frankly, and while I wouldn’t judge, no woman should have to do anything to decrease her libido. (Why should the “evening out” of sexual interest be her responsibility, anyway?)

    If I knew then what I know now, I might have had serious second thoughts about marrying my now-ex-husband, as this problem already had already arisen a couple of years in to our relationship. I would have at least insisted that we get counseling.

    Your mileage may vary, of course, and every relationship is different, but if your libidos are different enough for one of you to seek help suppressing yours — and you’re not interested in living as “roommates” — I IMPLORE you to get counseling. (My ex refused.) If your first experience isn’t good, or is even bad, search for a new therapist! I know that is easier said than done, but if your relationship is worth saving, isn’t it worth the effort? If your partner refuses to even try counseling, try it on your own (it didn’t help my marriage, but that’s only my experience).

    Part of me would urge you to RUN if you can’t agree on something this incredibly important — actually VITAL — to a healthy marriage/relationship. Again, this is only my opinion. My heart aches for those of you who can’t divorce for whatever reason. (I didn’t make the decision to end my marriage, but I’m so glad now that it was made for me!)

  20. S

    Love that this is finally getting attention, breaking stereotypes that only men feel they don’t have enough sex in relationships. No kidding, I was looked down on for speaking up at a married women’s church support group when I challenged them that it wasn’t just men that get frustrated with the frequency of sex in a relationship.

    Most marriage self-help books address men’s libido only, and talk about helping meet the husband’s need for sex. Women can enjoy sex too!

    When we were dating and up until the past couple of years, I have always wanted more than him. It did affect our relationship! Now it’s almost a relief that my libido is declining–my depression for the last couple of years is ‘helping’ my libido level out with his (but I’m not taking any prescription meds at this time).

    • Angel

      This sounds like my life to a T. I’m in a constant state of arousal. I’d give anything to turn it off. I love my husband, and I know it’s me because every relationship I’ve had, always same fight, ” Is that all you ever think about?” I cry myself to sleep, masturbation helps, but relief is short lived.

  21. CelibateTxn
    North Texas

    Wow! I’m not a woman, but my heart breaks for the large number of women that have posted! And as someone on the opposite side of this angst, perhaps I have a (somewhat?) useful perspective to lend. My wife and I (25 yrs!) are pretty much “married celibates”. We love and respect each other. We are good companions. We compliment (as well as supplement) each other nicely, in many ways. But we seem sexually incompatible. I say “seem”…that may taking some splainin’!

    OK, so we married late. I was over 30, and I was certain that my libido (and fitness and …) was already taking a nose dive at this point in my life. My wedding night seemed to confirm that. We were so exhausted! And our first sex, ever, was…meh. (Yes, we really did wait for marriage!) Our honeymoon brought more of the same…meh, sex, as well as one complete “failure to launch”, which was especially traumatic, for me–well, for both of us, really. Not a good start, at all! I wrote off some of the non-exemplary performance to fatigue, and probably rightfully so.

    After we settled in to our new home, and my new job, and as a new dad (wife had a 10 yr old from previous marriage), we tried again. We had some fairly decent sex, I’d say, but what to compare it with? My only previous sexual relationship was with a bonafide nympho. Hers was a previous husband (and several others besides)–but a good 15 yrs ago. Both of us were aging, after all, right? Well, then there was my wife’s halitosis. It was chronic–nothing seemed to help. I had to (literally) suck it up to kiss my wife! On top of that, my wife indicated I was “not a good kisser”. LOL OK!

    Additionally, after a great deal of effort (preacher, doggie, down on the mound clitoral stimulation, etc.) on my part, I became convinced that my wife simply could not have an orgasm. I learned that is true of about 1/3 of the general female demographic. OK, so maybe that is my lot in life, I supposed. But I gotta say, bringing my partner to orgasm is (or used to be) where the endorphins really kick in, for me. And it has NEVER happened with my wife!

    So, this is where I’ve got to explain that I cannot stand to do things that I suck at. Like golf. I absolutely suck at golf. Futility is NOT FUN! So I avoid futile endeavors, like golf. Including sex with my wife. And I made a vow before God–there will NEVER be another woman for me. So, like many of the women posting here, I–no we–are both trapped in a marriage where neither of us will ever be fulfilled sexually.

    Some women have indicated that this means that their man doesn’t love them. Not true! I am just as trapped as she is! I see no way to make it better! I cannot act–I don’t know of ANY action that could possibly help! Granted, we SHOULD have gone to counseling many, many years ago, but a bad experience with a counselor years ago caused my wife to say “never again”.

    And since, in her opinion, the problem with our sex is “all me”, I’d have to go to a counselor alone. So I just suck it up and say “you’re right”, it’s all me. What else can I do? She cannot help her halitosis and being non-orgasmic. She was never athletic, so she pretty much expected/depended on me doing all the “work” of sex, anyway. So I see no way back. At all! Ever!

    I used to pray about it, but I don’t even bother doing that, anymore. It is simply a deep regret (that we never had children of our own) that I’ll live with the rest of my life.

    So the hurt goes BOTH ways, ladies. Some of you are fine with breaking your vows. I’m not. Perhaps there is a possibility for some of you to go to a counselor–preferably together! LOL–and get some help. For us, I’m afraid that ship has sailed. So for us, we both seem content to try and cultivate the other aspects of our marriage and make the most of it. In light of eternity, I can live with that.

  22. Lynn

    About ten years ago I began taking Wellbutrin for depression. Within two weeks I felt better than I had in decades. I also experienced a welcome side effect–though I have always had a healthy libido, I did have some trouble reaching orgasm, as many women do.

    Suddenly I was able to have quick, easy, multiple orgasms (and from intercourse alone, without clitoral stimulation). Because Wellbutrin (later I was switched over to the next-generation version, Aplenzin) works on dopamine rather than serotonin, my shrink said it often has that effect.

    What a relief! I don’t know why this isn’t talked about more–when I read about antidepressants the only ones mentioned are SSRIs, which give so many people negative sexual side effects. Perhaps if the husband in the story took Wellbutrin he would find sex easier and more pleasurable and want more of it. In any case, I have found it to be a miraculous solution for my own sexual disfunction.

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