a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. sarah

    my god, I googled ‘what can I take to stop wanting love’ & ended up here- reading these comments just reaffirms why I never want to be in a relationship again, they’re usually a mess. people start out one way and then become something else after you’re already too involved, I do not want to be locked into a nightmare.

  2. Jmb
    Kent, UK

    Hi everyone it’s so reassuring to read so many other women in the same boat as me!
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and his sex drive is so low whereas I think about it all the time. We had a year with no sex last year because of his ED after an operation, which put me into depression for lack of passion and intimacy. But he’s all fixed now but still no interest . I try suggesting it but he gets angry for being so selfish and says he feels guilty which makes me unwanted and unattractive. As much as he says otherwise I still feel like I need him to show me he finds me attractive rather than just tell me! I’ve given up trying, I’m on the tea until the need stops. I am so fed up if he wants to stop feeling guilty he should be seeing to my needs!! I am madly in love with him but it is so infuriating! All my friends agree with me but he listens to no one!!
    Fingers crossed for the tea!! :)

  3. Janis

    My boyfriend and I don’t have sex anymore. I just give up. I’m going to try that tea. I hope it works and quickly. If he decides he wants me all of a sudden (and I sincerely doubt that it would ever happen), he’ll be SOL. I warned him that once it’s gone, it’s gone. I don’t want it back. I’m just done with feeling undesirable and I’m tired of being miserable because of it.

  4. Kathy

    I have read so much on here about couples in their 30. I am suddenly a 63 year old sex maniac and my husband has ED & LOW T. He has NO interest at all.
    I understand that women my age frequently experience an increased sex drive and working out increases it even more. Well, I can’t do anything about my age but I suppose I can quit exercising. I honestly don’t know what else to do. Even just being held and kissed would be better than nothing. I am so tired of being rejected by my own husband.

  5. Jess

    My fiance and I are both in our early 20’s and have been together for 3 years. In the beginning we were all over each other. Everyday we had sex. Then we moved into an apartment together and the sex went from everyday to once a week to now maybe once every couple months… I always try to get him aroused and usually he will get an erection but that’s it, it doesn’t go any further than that. He’s all the time teasing me and then falls asleep or watches tv. I understand that after a long day at work he’s tired and during the summer it gets too hot but as all of you have said, it makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. I’m a pretty big girl so my self esteem is really low as is. I try to ignore my needs and just let him relax but sometimes it’s too difficult. I’m going to try the tea and hope it helps.

  6. Aries.lady

    I am so happy I’m not alone in this. I am 33 and my fiance is 31. I have always had a very high sex drive. We have been together for a year now and just recently started having issues in the bedroom. We used to have sex every day and now im lucky if we do it once a week. I can no longer deal with the pain and crying myself to sleep cuz i feel unworthy to him. I have tried to talk too him about this and he always tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful i am but i need more than just words. I need him physically. He is the most amazing man I’ve ever been with and i can’t stand the thought of cheating or leaving. I just want to get rid of this feeling and live a happy life with him. Rejection is a hard thing for me. I have a very low self esteem and need his physical reassurance. I just can’t understand why he doesn’t want to be intimate with me. He says he’s tired and there’s always things to do but our every day lives have not changed much since the start of our relationship. I can’t help but think it’s me and there’s something terribly wrong with me. I just want to feel normal i guess and not need to have sex or even think about it anymore. I never thought i would be having an issue like this that’s for sure.

  7. Stephanie

    Just happy to not be alone. I am pregnant so not sure if i can have the tea. But I have been researching having a hysterectomy to resolve my sexual desire. May seem drastic but I think my marriage would bennifit from me not wanting or desiring sex at all. I love my husband endlessly. I don’t even talk to him about it anymore because he gets so upset and says that’s all I want from him. To work and have sex. That is so far from the truth. I get so much more from sex than gratification. Now mostly I just go out to the living room in the middle of the night have a good hard cry and try to get on with my life. I feel empty. We weren’t always like this. Just like many before me have said. We were so hot for each other it was insane. I truly felt not just our hearts but our body’s were ment to be together. That changed in year 2 of our marriage. We have been married for 7yrs now. I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop wanting any kinda of sexual attention. I get so heart broken when I wake up from a dream of us making love. I’m so tired of the hurt. Yes I pregnant so obviously we have sex. But if I dare mention wanting it again before it’s been at least 2 weeks I get fussed at. Here’s hoping the tea works.

  8. Samantha

    I am a woman in my 30s and an older partner nearly 50. He is healthy, is a bit of a gym junkie (started for his back but he also love the weight training side). He has had to take tramadol for the last 5 yrs just to keep working. Been together for 1.5 yrs but his sexual drive is low.

    When we do have it it’s great but as I lust after him as well as love him I want him nearly all the time. When he comes over he would rather watch tele or go out with me. I know he loves me and shows love but not desire. I often on nights he is over end up sleeping on the lounge because I can’t stand the rejection and as a result to be able to get to sleep I take valium which I’ve never had to before. I’m ok looking and my body while soft after a couple of kids is still nice (from what I remember) but my self confidence has dropped since being with him. When I get really upset and cry he tells me it’s a turn off.

    I spend time away from him hoping he’ll miss me sexually, get my hopes up only to be let down. I think about trying peppermint teas but I love sex and am now glad when he’s not staying the night so I can get myself off. He like to snuggle but it makes me horny so I can’t sleep. I then drink and take meds to sleep. I also know as he gets older it’s only going to get worse. I don’t desire anyone else and have never been a jealous person but now I don’t like watching films with hot women especially naked.

    Good to read others comments but it just reiterates that it’s not going to improve. He has tried testosterone boosters to no avail and says he has Viagra but won’t take it. Am at a loss. I can be experimental but not too out there. Anyway what do you do?

  9. Shayla
    Kolkata, India

    My boyfriend would have phone sex with me when we both were virgin. Then one day we had sex because both of us were mad about being virgins. Days passed till a date when we had sex 5 times… last time in February. Then, he somehow avoids it and says “we have our whole life to do that”. I get frustrated, and our relationship is ruined. Every day we fight because every day I expect him to approach me or talk about sex. He has stopped even phone sex. I have polycystic ovaries and a high testosterone level. He doesn’t know this. But when we have sex, it is awesome. I am depressed and want to kill my sex drive. I don’t know what should I do.

  10. JP

    Hi, I’m 35 years old and my husband has no desire for sex. Sex was difficult and unpleasant with him as he was overweight and then was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. A few months after we married we moved to another country and it got worse. Since April 2012 till now we’ve had sex 6 times, the second time we had sex I fell pregnant (lucky him). Last year May I scored twice. I’m tired of feeling rejected and alone I want to kill my sex drive for good. We live like flatmates with a kid, I can’t leave because I’m not working and things back home are really tough.

    • JP

      Well I finally found spearmint tea but it has camomile as well hopefully it works. I bought sleeping tablets and whilst I sleep well I unfortunately wake up early, look at the man who does just about everything to makesure we don’t have sex, feel lost, alone and rejected and then start wishing I was having sex and get turned on….i hate this. When did men stop wanting sex?

  11. Jovi
    Newark de

    Hi my story is just opposite of you ladies I am 46 year old dude and want to have e sex every day or at least 2 or 3 time a week but my wife just not into of it and that’s why I feel guilty we have 3 wonderful kids together and 15 years of marriage.when ever I want to have sex I have to do lots of effort that’s the reason we have lots of up and downs in the life now I just wanted to chop off my banana but now I see this so please tell me if any one used this tea and is it really works.

  12. Laura

    OK, my husband and I are both mid thirties. We have been together for almost 14 years. The first year we were together it was great. At least a few times a week. Then we started having children, his libido started dropping drastically. I know stress and working can have an effect. He would be OK with once a month. I start crying and having breakdowns after a week. I literally feel physical pain. I start to shake and everything. I am honest with him about my needs. I am the one always asking for it. Sometimes begging. I think he feels bad but he doesn’t do a lot about it. He calls me a nymphomaniac, insaitable, or huffs. I feel bad because I have this issue so yes I would rather have no sexdrive then feeling this torture. Because that is what it feels like. I have explained this to him several times over the years and each time things go better for a little while, may not as often as I want it but a good compromise where I am mostly satisfied. Then it dwindles again till I have another crying breakdown. It is just a visiuos circle that keeps going. I’ll try the tea. Will peppermint work instead of spearmint? Thank you

  13. Kathy

    I love my boyfriend and sex was good in the beginning. He started to lose his erection 4 months after we started dating and then his sex drive left. I have an over active sex drive and not getting intimacy is making things very difficult. I love him and I know he loves me but there is nothing beyond hand holding and a few kisses. I wish I could take something to lose my sex drive so I could be equal and not feel like this anymore.

  14. Michelle

    Hi everyone, I am 6 years married and we haven’t had sex in 5 years. At the start it was amazing and as often as we could. After we were married we lived with his parents for a while so that didn’t help. We then started our own business together and the stress piled on. Now he just doesn’t appear to have any desire whatsoever. Although I came up stairs 2 weeks ago when he was obviously pleasuring himself. He tried to play it cool but I knew and I could smell the baby oil. I now try to avoid going to bed at the same time as him to avoid the rejection. As much as I tell myself don’t make a move on him it will end in tears’ I do and it does.

    We don’t have any kids although he says he wants them. I’m kinda on the fence. 2 years ago on holiday, we didn’t have sex, he didn’t even try. He suggested we could do ivf. We could get pregnant and crack on having a family and then the pressure would be off sexually. I agreed and we went to the clinic and spent about a grand on tests etc etc. But decided not to take it further. ‘We can do this ourselves’ he said. We have not had so much as a steamy kiss since, sorry I lie, one night we were sort of intimate. But this felt like he didn’t really want to and it just left me wanting more.

    We have talked about it quite a bit. He tells me it’s not my fault, it’s him but nothing changes. He does drink too much. Every night. I come home and see him with a beer in hand and think ‘well that’s another day it’s not gonna happen.’

    I love him so much I just want us to have that sexual connection again.

    I ordered spearmint tea online after reading about the benefits to reducing sex drive. Not sure how it is going. It might be helping. I am now also overly aware of my cycle. I can almost feel my hormones surging through my body. ‘Hey you’re ovulating! You need sex now!’

    I just wish he would make more of an effort. If the roles were reversed I would do anything to make him feel loved and wanted and desirable. I am sure he would enjoy it once we got going. He always has been a very sexual guy, wish there was some kind of trading standards to complain to. This is not the husband I ordered. I keep telling him how it would be good for him. Release some endorphins etc etc. It all falls on deaf ears, even a Wee cuddle in the kitchen is met with huff and puffs. I don’t know what else to do.

  15. Margaret

    I would also love to kill my sex drive. Iv had a crazy craving for since i was a kid. It has caused horrible depression because i grew up in an old fashion christian home. I absoloutly hate it! Iv hated my body for a long time! I want my sex drive dead!

  16. cmp

    In the same boat. Heartbroken 12yrs of marriage and by year 1 it started. I am going to try the tea. Sick of feeling like this

  17. nancy

    Hi… I am Muslim and sex outside marriage is a complete no no. We are encouraged to fast if our sexual desires are too troublesome. Also read Gandhi’s autobiography. He was a great advocate of celibacy, and worked out ingenious ways to contain sexual urges. All of those ways have to do with fasting.

  18. Kate

    I hear echoes of myself and my husband in almost all of you- and my heart hurts for you. We’ve been married 31 years, and it’s always been me wanting more sex than he does. We were very devout Christians when we married and celibate. I had had one relationship with a very experienced but selfish lover so knew very little. When the love of my life came along, I was delighted! I didn’t know much about sex. I thought that all young men wanted sex and was told by an older friend that, “it would get better and better as the time goes on.” She was wrong.

    It has steadily gone from once every 3-5 days in the first year of our marriage to once a month or longer. Things finally came to a crisis this weekend when I realized that as we started to make love his eyes became hard and flat; he lost his erection; and he became distant. We stopped, talked about other things, and the moment died. He was sexually abused by both of his parents and has gone through 10 years of counseling, but I thought things were getting better. This time he told me that he’s only wanted sex maybe a “handful of times and it’s amazing that we have children.” Nothing I’ve ever done–being curvaceous but slim, wearing makeup, sexy lingerie has ever mattered. He says it’s not me. He just has no drive. I love my husband, and I’m just tired of being unwanted. I want to be permanently without a libido, but I’ll settle for drugs if it will take away the pain of constant rejection.

  19. ClaryS

    I am a woman in my early 20’s and my boyfriend in his late 30’s. I have been reading through the article and comments and am in shock how many women go through this as well as myself. When my boyfriend and I got together nearly 3 years ago our sexual activity was every time we slept in the same bed. We couldn’t keep out hands off of each other and I loved it. Nearly 3 years later now, his sex drive is nearly non-existant. This is beginning to make me feel unwanted, undesired, and a burden. He tells me that if I want him to do something with me I just have to ask..but I’m shy first of all and second this makes me feel like the only reason he’s doing anything with me is because I want it and he doesn’t. I’m always the one who has to start it and this makes me feel like a burden and unwanted.

    Just last night I had tried for over an hour to seduce him (lingerie, sexy touching, long kisses and kisses on his sensitive areas) I tried to no avail to get him interested. I finally gave up because he showed no interest at all and it was late now and he had to get up for work. But it left me feeling anxious and depressed to the point that I couldn’t be in the same bed as him. I had to lay on the floor to get a break from him. At this point I would give anything to kill my sexdrive so I didn’t feel like this anymore. I love him to every end of the earth and our relationship is great in every other aspect. I just hate feeling this way. I am so frustrated and depressed that I have spent hours on and off crying. Not sure what else to do..

    • Karyn

      This is helpful, it makes me feel like I amin a somewhat normal situation too….

  20. Joe B

    First of all me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and I am mid 20s, we used to have sex 3/4 times a day when we could and daily was the normal thing. She has suffered from depression as a result of her mother passing away in the last year and I have had to stop all obvious signs of sexual need in order for her not to feel like its her fault we aren’t having a sexual relationship for the last 6 months. I know her depression has a major factor in why this is happening but i need to find a better way to cope with not having sex regularly. I see her once or twice a week at best and when we get close I have this drive to have sex and I can’t help but want her but at no reward. I understand why she doesn’t want it and I know this could be seen as selfish that I am talking like this but its getting to the point I would take the effort to write this long message for help to decrease my sex drive as I think there is a higher chance in me lowering mine than her increasing hers. Thanks for reading, if anyone did.

    • John

      Thanks, I couldn’t say it any better . I’m in the same situation but she her father year prior before we both lost our mother’s. And it’s hard not feeling wanted but I highly agree to what you said . thanks so much.

  21. Vanessa
    North Carolina

    My depression is elevated due to my high sex drive. I’m a Christian and don’t believe in pre-marital sex. I think about sex all the time and find myself in a turned on state most of the day. I would give anything to eliminate my sex drive. I exercise 6 days a week. I’m 57 years old. When I do meet men my age and commit the ultimate sin, they are usually impotent. I see the younger man as a husband as the answer. I wish I could make that happen. This constant turned on state is so painful that I often cry. I am a counselor and have gone to a counselor twice.

  22. Debbie H.
    North Carolina

    I think Id rather have the spearmint tea. Its a huge turn off to know I may be forcing my husband to satisfy me. In any sexual manner. Whenever I lnow he ‘s not into it, I surely am not either! My husband is a lot older than me. He has suffered ED for the last 5 years of our marriage. He s tried all the medications for ED and nothing is working. His doctor has tried giving him testosterone injections over a period of months to raise his levels and still no desire. I also used to think it was “just me” as Im sure a lot of women do if not all of us. I can confidently say it is not! We are totally and completely still in love and cannot live without each other! So, short of him having an implant device surgically placed and me considering voluntary female castration, I am definitely going for the tea!

  23. Gabriela

    Is spearmint the same as mint? I grow mint in my yard, or should I just buy spearmint tea from the store?

  24. Melody
    Las Vegas

    I’m sorry all of you that are experiencing such pain and sorrow. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. I still have a high sex drive and my boyfriend’s is nonexistent, but it wasn’t always like that. We were both into each other couldn’t take our hands off each other. We really loved each other, but about six months ago things started to go bad. We used to have sex at least 5-6 times a week but slowly it started to become 4, then 3, to every other week. He’s not affectionate with me either. I have to beg for his attention and do stupid little things for him to even pay attention to me. When I try to get us in the mood he rejects me and that kills myself confidence. I think I’m an average pretty girl. But every time he says no or I’m not feeling it. It starts to eat away in my mind that I’m ugly or not good enough for him. I’m always craving for sex. I wish I didn’t so I wouldn’t have to be rejected all the time. I really love him and I know he loves me but I don’t I so what to do. Should I stay? Should I leave? I can’t talk about with him because he always says his gonna do better or that he’s stressed.

    • Abri
      Kanab, Utah

      Hey Melody hang in there girl, I have the same issue, my husband and I have been married for just over six years now and all while we were dating and for the first 6 months of marriage he was all over me and I loved it! Needless to say that was it and now I am often left lying in bed after a rejection researching things I can do to help make it better because I love my husband so much and know I could never find someone who could even begin to compare with him in all the other areas where he is absolutely Amazing!

      Work on loving yourself as much as possible and know it is not how you look or anything else that is a turn off, it is just something about how some guys are. I have found that I have to be straight up and say I need to have sex directly to my husband and then I have to accept him having sex with me after not as a burden or just some way to get me to leave him alone but as a true act of love for me, as his way of saying I love you so much that I am going to do this for you despite the fact I wouldn’t do it normally.

      And if for whatever reason he just can’t get himself to do it (this, even though I thought it was impossible, can happen) I just have to respect that and remind myself and occasionally have him tell me he loves me and a few other things he likes about me and then suffice with a good cuddle. It’s hard sometimes but it’s worth it.

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