a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Jessica
    Reply

    I am so relieved to know that I am not the only person in this situation, I am still pretty young so none of my friends understand where I am coming from. I was starting to think it was me and that maybe there is something I am doing wrong. When my boyfriend and I first got together this wasn’t a problem and I could have never guessed this would happen. But after our second or third month together it basically all stopped. I would be happy if it was just a once a month thing! This two or three month span is killing me. At times I cannot stop but think that maybe he isn’t attracted to me anymore or that maybe he is getting it somewhere else. I know that this is not the case but I cant help but feel that way. It is so frustrating and it is so hurtful sometimes.

  2. christine
    ohio
    Reply

    My boyfriend and I are in love with each other completely. Neither of us can imagine a life without each other. I have a high sex drive and his is almost non existent mainly due to a slipped disk in his back. It causes him so much pain. I’d rather not have sex than lose him. I need to find a way to lower my sex drive drastically

  3. keza
    uganda
    Reply

    Am also having a Terribly high sex drive,and to make matters worse am single. Really want to save it for the right person but the desire is overwhelming and am allergic to tea.S omeone please give me some advise here.

  4. t
    canada
    Reply

    I haven’t had sex with my husband in a year and a half. He just isn’t interested in sex…that’s what he says. I am going crazy, and feel very alone and scared that this is going to end our marriage. Does spearmint tea really work? Anyone… if you have suggestions please please help me….

  5. Mayra
    Virginia
    Reply

    Yes I felt the same way! But for me it’s a little different because I am a lesbian. Been with my wife 4 yrs. I have a high sex drive. But she doesn’t if I get lucky I had to beg to get it once every month. It makes me feel unwanted like I am not good looking for you or something and it still doesn’t but maybe taking the advice from the tea to the cook book will bring my sex drive down. Because I love my wife but their is my sex drive is so high that I feel like having and affair just for the sex with another woman. But hopefully this helps with it.

  6. MONICA
    DC
    Reply

    I have the same story with those. I am a Chinese woman, 31, married for almost 6 years and have a 2 year old boy. At the first time when we had sex, I knew that my husband would not have the same desire with me. But we loved each other and we got married 2 month later.

    We have sex about 3 to 5 month a time. The longest gap time is 18 months!!!!!!!!!!!!! My desire is high, I think much higher above the average. His desire is much lower than the average. I felt sad, and no sex makes me feel angry, impatient, frustrating and major depression.

    The bad thing is, in our traditional culture, women who talks about sex is shameful. My parents and my husband think I have some problem and send me to see the doctor. Wants me to take some medicine to lower my desire. I even wants to commit a suicide because of no sex.

    I love my son, I could not make a decision to getting a divorce and share the custody with my husband. I even want to cut my uterus if this can lower my desire. Or any brain surgery to lower my desire.

    I am sad and depressed everyday. But the other people do not find it. They always think I smiles like sunshine. Yes, I used to be a happy and sunshine girl. But now, tough and sad fill my whole life.

  7. Michelle
    Florida
    Reply

    I tried to lower my sex drive for years. I truly loved my husband, but I was tired of getting turned down all of the time. It really puts a damper on your self confidence, and made me feel horrible. It’s not that sex is the most important thing in the world, but I truly craved intimacy. Out of desperation, I eventually bought a libido cookbook and started cooking more. The results were not as fast as I had hoped, but let’s face it. As far as sex goes, I was completely starving. The cooking did provide consistent results after a few months, and we’re both a lot happier now. We used to fight about sex, and those days are gone.

  8. Cassandra
    United States
    Reply

    I thought I was the only woman who wanted sex more than my boyfriend. I just filed for divorce from a man that wanted sex too much. I didn’t want it with him because he was too aggressive. Seeing someone new, and am shocked that he doesn’t want sex at all. He says he does, but then doesn’t deliver. And sex is always about me. I keep telling him that him being aroused is what gets me aroused, but he doesn’t get that. I asked him why he didn’t want sex, and he told me that he just hasn’t been feeling as though it’s a priority, that he has no drive. Although I went through his phone and found he was looking at porn on a daily basis. So I confronted him and asked him to stop lying to me. He really had nothing to say except he was sorry. I look at porn too, but only as a substitution. I’m not upset he’s looking, just upset he won’t come to me with it. He swears up and down that he loves me and plans on marrying me, but it’s hard for me to believe him bc of the severe lack of sex.

  9. desperate
    Florida
    Reply

    I am so glad to find people like me.
    I thought I was going crazy. My story is that when l don’t have sex I feel very bad, I can’t concentrate, feel hot all day, so much pain down there that you really need to have it. Hopefully the tea works until I finally find one that needed so badly like me.

  10. Angela
    North Jersey
    Reply

    This does not only a cry for sex its a cry for intimacy, affection and that invisible energy that makes one desirable to the other. Because we do not get the intimacy, affect nor is the chemistry present, it is reduced to just sex and more of it! I’ve been pained with this for 18 years and analyzed very closely exactly what caused the most pain, THE LACK OF CHEMISTRY!!!

    I love my Husband and we are great friends but if you are like I and have experienced Earth Shaking, Intimate and Chemically Balanced sex, you are always, eventually going to look for that standard! What I learned to do is be very vocal, holding all that pain in is dangerous to our health, I instructed him and was the example of what I needed, it has helped us stay together, though sometimes frustrating, but he’s worth it. I have incorporated lots of teasing, indirectly of course, try telling him you had the worst day and you just need to be held. Climb in the bed very accessible or nude with his favorite scent on latch on to him, breath heavy, move in ways to cause a reaction, soon he’ll initiate the intercourse, you’ll have foreplay and sex, be creative and stop waiting on him, he’s still a man and they can’t say no once aroused!!!

  11. lynn
    ca
    Reply

    Have any of you thought that maybe your husband’s are hiding a pornography addiction? I’ve done a lot of reading on it because my friend’s husband is an addict. Wanting only virtual sex is quite common. They do love their wives but have too much shame to tell them sometimes. Porn kills love!

  12. Chelsey
    Reply

    All of these stories, experiences, and heartbreaks mirror mine exactly. While I am going to try the tea…. I want to know if a couple like ours will make it. Sex should not the center of a relationship, but when it is the cause of this much pain and heartbreak then it becomes the center and sole focus.

    I’m 21 and he’s 24, this should not be happening and it is ruining our relationship.

  13. Deedee
    Great Lakes
    Reply

    Omg I swear I thought I was the only one… I am 28 yrs old and my boyfriend 35yrs have been together for a year and our relationship is perfect minus the sex. Don’t get me wrong when we do have sex it’s great but that’s when we do. If I’m lucky we may have sex 3-4x a month and it’s just not enough for me. This has been a really big issue in our relationship and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve even went as far as masturbating just cause I thought it would help me but it doesn’t it just makes me want him more, so I really hope this tea works cause I don’t know what else I could possibly do to kill my sex drive.

  14. hoping
    canada
    Reply

    This will be the first step into taking matters into my own hands. Before trying to change my sexual desires I constantly was trying to change my partners. He was unwavering though which led to many arguments and many tears. The lack of sexual desire from him made me feel so ugly and unwanted. I tried to explain to him but he would just brush it off and would say I was being overemotional. I love my partner and want things to work. Our differing sex drives is the main issue in our relationship and I suppose I have no other option now but to try and eliminate my sexual desires in hopes that our relationship will work out.

  15. Ama
    USA
    Reply

    Im dating a wonderful man who loves me very much. We are a new couple, and we kiss and hug and hold hands and all of that a lot! He’s so affectionate. He can’t keep his hands off of me. But it doesn’t go any further.

    He has hardly no sex drive, and he doesn’t want one. When we first started dating, he was an animal! But now, the sex is gone and it has strained us. It’s hard. But other than sex, we are SO happy.

    I’m just so happy to have found this article and women like me!! I’ve been in relationships before and had a higher drive than those men. I thought they were just weird or weak…but I see a pattern here now.

    I do have PCOS, so I know I have more testosterone than most women. My boyfriend also had a more bland diet than me, and foods affect your libidos.

    I’m going to take on a similar diet – to support my relationship, and to also calm myself, because I suffer from anxiety. Too much energy….

  16. Brenda
    Uk
    Reply

    Hi. I experienced this problem as detailed in this article. I was seeing a counsellor for it get things and spoke about this problem I was having. For me, I realised that I was looking for affection through having sex. When I was refused I felt unloved, unsexy, undesired. I purchased so much sexy stuff to encourage my partner to give me my fix of affection.
    The counsellor made me realise that I was confusing sex with love and affection and for me, it was true. Once I no longer made that connection, my sex drive decreased. Strangely my partner then became more interested in me sexually!

  17. harsha
    India
    Reply

    Hi everyone
    I am facing the same problem from past four and half years. I don’t have any problem with my partner the only thing which is hurting me alot is he never have sex with me until and unless if i feel depressed. We hardly have sex evry 2 or 3 times in three or four months sometimes 6 months too and I’ve got fed up with his ignorance. we don’t even have kids. And the other thing is we got love married I’m 22 yrs old and he is 32 yrs old. Before my entry into his life he had so many girlfriends and he had intimacy with them but in my case he was so weak he can’t participate with energy he is always behaves in a different way with me when this matter comes in between. I also saw him in the past with his X’s he was so erotic and he always wanted to have sex with them he had it too. And coming to me he never treated me like his wife, he always treats me like a kid. I don’t know what is lacking in me? Is that a my problem or his problem I don’t understand. We are also sometimes fight with each other regarding the same. I’m now fed up with this life. Please suggest me some good medications to get rid of this sexual desires.

  18. DD
    Pacific
    Reply

    It helps to know I am not the only one in this situation. For ten years i prayed every day that God would take away my sex drive and my desire for affection, hugs, cuddling, any physical touch, and any kind of comfort when I am sad. I finally am blessed with a kind of numbness and no want to be touched at all. It is a kind of melancholy feeling, but it is better than the anguish and excruciating loneliness of the past ten years.

  19. Mrs sharma
    Texas
    Reply

    It feels so terrible to be ignored. It is like being rejected. We’ve been in a relationship for last 9 years & married for 2 yrs. I love my husband a lot & I know he loves me too. Our relationship is perfect minus sex.
    I tried to make things better by talking to him about the same but it turned negative. He says is it only because of sex I love him. I love him beyond that but I’m unable to control my hormones. I don’t want to force him because it will happen whenever it is destined to be. So I have decided to practice yoga to curb my feelings.

  20. Unsatisfied
    Reply

    Thanks everyone for sharing, I feel better knowing I’m not alone. I am trying the tea and praying it works. At this point I’m willing to try anything. My husband has scoliosis and sex is sometimes painful. He smokes marihuana for the pain but it kills his sex drive. It doesn’t help I have a hormone imbalance and have high testosterone. Other pain killers either put him straight to sleep or side effects are too much to deal with. I know he loves me, I just wish he would try something to help the situation too (instead of intentionally making me angry hoping to kill my sexual desire).

  21. LB
    south Africa
    Reply

    Reading about other people going through the same thing as me is so comforting.

    • Vv
      India
      Reply

      God I am exactly in the same situation since 8 years. We have been married for 8 years. Since the first day he had no sex drive. Every time it’s me who opts for it and just being compelled he tries to make love which in turn is not pleasurable or in fact hurting. In reality this has even disturbed the development of intimacy in us otherwise because we have never once enjoyed it properly. I feel so lonely. I was worried that I was so different from a normal woman. Coming to know that a lot of women are sailing in the same boat is comforting. Is putting down the libido only solution, though?

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