Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

Q. I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena.

A. To our surprise we found that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

In one study, researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Jessica
    United States
    Reply

    Hi, I was married and with my ex-husband for 11 years. I have had this same problem with him almost the entire time. He hardly ever initiated sex and if he did it was just to appease me. That and along with some other issues I finally left. He often looked at porn and had no problems achieving an erection, but I felt it was just that he never loved me and wasn’t really attracted to me.

    Now I am with a man that truly does love me, but I have the same problem with. If I am lucky we have sex twice a month and he hardly initiates it. I know I have gained about 10 pounds since we have been together and of course I am trying to take it off but it’s slow going. I know that I am not the best looking girl but am I repulsive? I am starting to think this has to be so. My ideal world would be sex twice a week but I know that will never happen. This issue hurts so deep to my core I think about leaving him often but our life together- though not perfect- is very comfortable. I think if it hadn’t been for the constant rejection from my ex maybe I could find a way to cope, but this is more than I can bear. Perhaps being alone is the only answer for me, or do I just pick the wrong men? Or do I ask too much that sex 2-3 times a week is what I need to be fulfilled.

    I will try the tea but I think I need to switch anti-depressants to something that kills my sex drive. Something needs to change or this relationship will not last either. Any thoughts or other suggestions?

  2. allison
    Reply

    Omg..I cannot get rid of this horrible constant urge for sex. I’m 52 yrs old and everyday around 3pm I’m a mess. Please help.

  3. gbers
    Reply

    So glad I came across this. I’m going to start drinking spearmint tea all the time now!! My fiancé has no sex drive what so ever whereas my sex drive is so terribly high, I’m hoping this works…..

  4. PH
    Reply

    I wanted to know if there is a reason for a woman who has a sexual appetite whenever she is or has been kissed or touched by her gentleman friend. She has been without a sexual partner other than being a caregiver for 13 years to a husband of 42 years. Would medication cause this reaction or could this just be a normal reaction after being celibate for so long?
    She takes antidepressants and pain medicine as well as being a diabetic. Her friend who is 64 and she being 63 thinks its not normal to want sex all the time.
    Is there some side effects to medicine that makes you sexual all the time? This really is a problem because her friend has medical problems that make it so hard to keep up with her and they argue about it.
    I hope someone out there has heard her problem and can advise her what to do, besides finding a younger man. She has only had sex with one man her late husband and her new friend has really awoken her desires like never before.

    • sarah
      north Yorkshire
      Reply

      Why are we women trying to lower our sex drive and think it’s shameful to be like this when we have been taught all our lives that it’s the women who always turn men down in the bed room? I have a high libido and my husband’s is very low and I am made to feel like I should be ashamed to find him sexy and want to be intimate where as if it was the other way round I’d be told I was frigid and I should see to his needs. It’s accepted that if a wife isn’t fulfilling her husband’s needs he is well within his rights to have an affair but a woman must suffer in silence. WHY do our feelings not matter ? I say we are beautiful strong sexy women and we deserve to be treated as such I am sick of being ashamed for wanting sex!!!!

  5. dmap
    Reply

    I’m so happy I ran across this. I do have pcos. These stories so sound like me. Thank you I will try the tea.

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