a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Margaret
    U.S.
    Reply

    I would also love to kill my sex drive. Iv had a crazy craving for since i was a kid. It has caused horrible depression because i grew up in an old fashion christian home. I absoloutly hate it! Iv hated my body for a long time! I want my sex drive dead!

  2. cmp
    Reply

    In the same boat. Heartbroken 12yrs of marriage and by year 1 it started. I am going to try the tea. Sick of feeling like this

  3. nancy
    jubail
    Reply

    Hi… I am Muslim and sex outside marriage is a complete no no. We are encouraged to fast if our sexual desires are too troublesome. Also read Gandhi’s autobiography. He was a great advocate of celibacy, and worked out ingenious ways to contain sexual urges. All of those ways have to do with fasting.

  4. Kate
    Oregon
    Reply

    I hear echoes of myself and my husband in almost all of you- and my heart hurts for you. We’ve been married 31 years, and it’s always been me wanting more sex than he does. We were very devout Christians when we married and celibate. I had had one relationship with a very experienced but selfish lover so knew very little. When the love of my life came along, I was delighted! I didn’t know much about sex. I thought that all young men wanted sex and was told by an older friend that, “it would get better and better as the time goes on.” She was wrong.

    It has steadily gone from once every 3-5 days in the first year of our marriage to once a month or longer. Things finally came to a crisis this weekend when I realized that as we started to make love his eyes became hard and flat; he lost his erection; and he became distant. We stopped, talked about other things, and the moment died. He was sexually abused by both of his parents and has gone through 10 years of counseling, but I thought things were getting better. This time he told me that he’s only wanted sex maybe a “handful of times and it’s amazing that we have children.” Nothing I’ve ever done–being curvaceous but slim, wearing makeup, sexy lingerie has ever mattered. He says it’s not me. He just has no drive. I love my husband, and I’m just tired of being unwanted. I want to be permanently without a libido, but I’ll settle for drugs if it will take away the pain of constant rejection.

  5. ClaryS
    Wisconsin
    Reply

    I am a woman in my early 20’s and my boyfriend in his late 30’s. I have been reading through the article and comments and am in shock how many women go through this as well as myself. When my boyfriend and I got together nearly 3 years ago our sexual activity was every time we slept in the same bed. We couldn’t keep out hands off of each other and I loved it. Nearly 3 years later now, his sex drive is nearly non-existant. This is beginning to make me feel unwanted, undesired, and a burden. He tells me that if I want him to do something with me I just have to ask..but I’m shy first of all and second this makes me feel like the only reason he’s doing anything with me is because I want it and he doesn’t. I’m always the one who has to start it and this makes me feel like a burden and unwanted.

    Just last night I had tried for over an hour to seduce him (lingerie, sexy touching, long kisses and kisses on his sensitive areas) I tried to no avail to get him interested. I finally gave up because he showed no interest at all and it was late now and he had to get up for work. But it left me feeling anxious and depressed to the point that I couldn’t be in the same bed as him. I had to lay on the floor to get a break from him. At this point I would give anything to kill my sexdrive so I didn’t feel like this anymore. I love him to every end of the earth and our relationship is great in every other aspect. I just hate feeling this way. I am so frustrated and depressed that I have spent hours on and off crying. Not sure what else to do..

    • Karyn
      Colorado
      Reply

      This is helpful, it makes me feel like I amin a somewhat normal situation too….

  6. Joe B
    England
    Reply

    First of all me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and I am mid 20s, we used to have sex 3/4 times a day when we could and daily was the normal thing. She has suffered from depression as a result of her mother passing away in the last year and I have had to stop all obvious signs of sexual need in order for her not to feel like its her fault we aren’t having a sexual relationship for the last 6 months. I know her depression has a major factor in why this is happening but i need to find a better way to cope with not having sex regularly. I see her once or twice a week at best and when we get close I have this drive to have sex and I can’t help but want her but at no reward. I understand why she doesn’t want it and I know this could be seen as selfish that I am talking like this but its getting to the point I would take the effort to write this long message for help to decrease my sex drive as I think there is a higher chance in me lowering mine than her increasing hers. Thanks for reading, if anyone did.

    • John
      Tennessee
      Reply

      Thanks, I couldn’t say it any better . I’m in the same situation but she her father year prior before we both lost our mother’s. And it’s hard not feeling wanted but I highly agree to what you said . thanks so much.

  7. Vanessa
    North Carolina
    Reply

    My depression is elevated due to my high sex drive. I’m a Christian and don’t believe in pre-marital sex. I think about sex all the time and find myself in a turned on state most of the day. I would give anything to eliminate my sex drive. I exercise 6 days a week. I’m 57 years old. When I do meet men my age and commit the ultimate sin, they are usually impotent. I see the younger man as a husband as the answer. I wish I could make that happen. This constant turned on state is so painful that I often cry. I am a counselor and have gone to a counselor twice.

  8. Debbie H.
    North Carolina
    Reply

    I think Id rather have the spearmint tea. Its a huge turn off to know I may be forcing my husband to satisfy me. In any sexual manner. Whenever I lnow he ‘s not into it, I surely am not either! My husband is a lot older than me. He has suffered ED for the last 5 years of our marriage. He s tried all the medications for ED and nothing is working. His doctor has tried giving him testosterone injections over a period of months to raise his levels and still no desire. I also used to think it was “just me” as Im sure a lot of women do if not all of us. I can confidently say it is not! We are totally and completely still in love and cannot live without each other! So, short of him having an implant device surgically placed and me considering voluntary female castration, I am definitely going for the tea!

  9. Gabriela
    Reply

    Is spearmint the same as mint? I grow mint in my yard, or should I just buy spearmint tea from the store?

  10. Melody
    Las Vegas
    Reply

    I’m sorry all of you that are experiencing such pain and sorrow. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now. I still have a high sex drive and my boyfriend’s is nonexistent, but it wasn’t always like that. We were both into each other couldn’t take our hands off each other. We really loved each other, but about six months ago things started to go bad. We used to have sex at least 5-6 times a week but slowly it started to become 4, then 3, to every other week. He’s not affectionate with me either. I have to beg for his attention and do stupid little things for him to even pay attention to me. When I try to get us in the mood he rejects me and that kills myself confidence. I think I’m an average pretty girl. But every time he says no or I’m not feeling it. It starts to eat away in my mind that I’m ugly or not good enough for him. I’m always craving for sex. I wish I didn’t so I wouldn’t have to be rejected all the time. I really love him and I know he loves me but I don’t I so what to do. Should I stay? Should I leave? I can’t talk about with him because he always says his gonna do better or that he’s stressed.

    • Abri
      Kanab, Utah
      Reply

      Hey Melody hang in there girl, I have the same issue, my husband and I have been married for just over six years now and all while we were dating and for the first 6 months of marriage he was all over me and I loved it! Needless to say that was it and now I am often left lying in bed after a rejection researching things I can do to help make it better because I love my husband so much and know I could never find someone who could even begin to compare with him in all the other areas where he is absolutely Amazing!

      Work on loving yourself as much as possible and know it is not how you look or anything else that is a turn off, it is just something about how some guys are. I have found that I have to be straight up and say I need to have sex directly to my husband and then I have to accept him having sex with me after not as a burden or just some way to get me to leave him alone but as a true act of love for me, as his way of saying I love you so much that I am going to do this for you despite the fact I wouldn’t do it normally.

      And if for whatever reason he just can’t get himself to do it (this, even though I thought it was impossible, can happen) I just have to respect that and remind myself and occasionally have him tell me he loves me and a few other things he likes about me and then suffice with a good cuddle. It’s hard sometimes but it’s worth it.

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