Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30′s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

Q. I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena.

A. To our surprise we found that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

In one study, researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. PH
    Reply

    I wanted to know if there is a reason for a woman who has a sexual appetite whenever she is or has been kissed or touched by her gentleman friend. She has been without a sexual partner other than being a caregiver for 13 years to a husband of 42 years. Would medication cause this reaction or could this just be a normal reaction after being celibate for so long?
    She takes antidepressants and pain medicine as well as being a diabetic. Her friend who is 64 and she being 63 thinks its not normal to want sex all the time.
    Is there some side effects to medicine that makes you sexual all the time? This really is a problem because her friend has medical problems that make it so hard to keep up with her and they argue about it.
    I hope someone out there has heard her problem and can advise her what to do, besides finding a younger man. She has only had sex with one man her late husband and her new friend has really awoken her desires like never before.

  2. dmap
    Reply

    I’m so happy I ran across this. I do have pcos. These stories so sound like me. Thank you I will try the tea.

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