a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Cynthia

    THE SPEARMINT TEA HAS BEEN GREAT for me. I take two cups in the morning (before or after breakfast) and although it takes 5-7 hours to completely free me from the urge, it is only GREAT. The effect usually lasts for a day or 1.5. I am having it every now and then for about 1.5 months and there is NO SIDE EFFECT. If you’re having stronger urge, have more (twice a day, every day).
    And something else: if you take it before the urge starts to come up, you proactively get rid of the psychological hardness of patience in those 5 to 7 hours (I am anti-masturbation for religious reasons, so I tolerate the hours…). It is now my GOLDEN beloved savior drink :)
    Here are a few points from my own experience:
    1- Overdose may cause symptoms like itching of skin (on arms, legs, head,…), if this happens, have lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, watermelon or things like those, which “cool down” the body (usually these fruits and veggies are also anti-libido or have no effect).
    2- Libido increases before menstruation cycle and around ovulation time. So you can plan for the days.
    3- Things that “heat up the body” like different types of spices, peppers ( esp. bell-peppers) are libido-master-boosters! You’d better avoid them as much as possible.
    I will add more if I get any new thing :)

    • Cynthia

      I just forgot to mention a point: It is said that, similar to black or green tea, mint tea interferes iron absorption. I do not know if this is true, but I try not not to take it around my main meals.

  2. valerie
    Niles, OH

    So many women with the exact same problem as me. Some of you are so right. It is unthinkable to want to kill your base instinct to want to love and be loved. We should not even have to. But I’ve been so miserable in every single sexual relationship after the newness of the first 6 months wears off with the men. I don’t understand how they all complain about wanting a woman who loves sex, but once they find her, he Fails her. Why does it have to change? It never does for me. I even warn the poor bastards when we meet. I’ve tried the “Sexual Contract” I’m at a loss other than to kill it. Masturbating does not work, it makes it worse. I am the Head of this house hold. I work, I cook, I clean, I care for the kids…. He has one job, but no, he can’t even do that, porn gets that while I earn the money. Every, single, time. This tea better work!

  3. Michelle P.
    Houston, TX

    I am really at my wits end. I am about to be 40, my boyfriend is 31, I feel like I’m truly about to lose my mind. I’ve always had a high sex drive. When we first got together it was all day everyday for hours, now its once MAYBE twice a week. Oh but make sure he gets his oral pleasure or we’ll have an argument. I finally opened up and stopped hiding me masterbating and tried including him but all I get now is “oh you had to rub one out?” That does not help anything, I already feel crazy enough. I’ve tried licorice that doesn’t work because I like licorice and I don’t like tea, I just want to lock myself in a room and never come out. I really don’t know what to do. He also thinks that when I masterbate it is because he isn’t pleasing me. The sex is great, when I get it. I have explained this several times, I just want more when he’s tired and wants to stop.

  4. The_man

    I am absolutely insulted. “Men can just go to the shower, or bathroom watch porn & get relief”

    You are VERY misinformed. I’m in a severe mismatch of libido’s in my 20’s. Masturbation does NOT give relief. After a few weeks it doesn’t do anything but a temporary band aide for a few hours.

    It’s like saying oh, you need food? Eat this saltine cracker. Well, by lunch I’m totally starving again.

  5. laura
    The Netherlands

    I have the same problem. I thought it was because of the age difference between my partner and me. He is 12 years older than me. He is noworking 42 and perhaps that might be why he is interested in sex so little. I just don’t understand that he is happy to look at other women the way he does, yet he is not that into sex. I starting to think it might be me. I feel so insecure about this. I am resorting to mastrubation sometimes but I can’t help but feel upset, angry and sad when yet again falls asleep whilst I made it clear I wanted to be intimate with him. He is asleep as we speak and here I am venting my frustration. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take this. I tried to talk to him about it in a slightly jokey and silly way but I know he gets my point. What can I do about this?? I feel over sexed and abnormal and rejected. Please help me.

  6. mary

    I want to know if the spearmint tea reduces the libido for good or just for as long as it is been consumed.

    • Cynthia

      For me, it “kills” it completely after 5-7 hours from consuming, and the effect lasts for 1 days or so. (I am 33, female, single, with no relationship.)

  7. Jenn
    United States

    I am very happy to have found this website. I have found it unbelievably depressing to have a high sex drive and be married to a man who has no desire in sex whatsoever. I went a year with him in a sexless marriage, and eventually had an affair. Short term good, long term bad. My husband would not do anything for me – and he knew I tried to find relief from someone else. It’s empty relief. Men can solve the problem more easily, independently, so to speak, whereas women cannot just jump into a shower or bathroom and get relief. I found I cannot even go over bumps in the road. I feel like a freak.

  8. Nkem

    To be fair, I think this is all ridiculous, if it was the other way round, the men would have left or even worse cheated. Why are you feeling guilty about something that you desire and is a part of you? Why would you want to change that? If it’s only you doing the compromising then I strongly advise you rethink your relationships because if you partner can’t even consider your needs then what’s the point of changing yours to appease him?

  9. Jessica
    United States

    Hi, I was married and with my ex-husband for 11 years. I have had this same problem with him almost the entire time. He hardly ever initiated sex and if he did it was just to appease me. That and along with some other issues I finally left. He often looked at porn and had no problems achieving an erection, but I felt it was just that he never loved me and wasn’t really attracted to me.

    Now I am with a man that truly does love me, but I have the same problem with. If I am lucky we have sex twice a month and he hardly initiates it. I know I have gained about 10 pounds since we have been together and of course I am trying to take it off but it’s slow going. I know that I am not the best looking girl but am I repulsive? I am starting to think this has to be so. My ideal world would be sex twice a week but I know that will never happen. This issue hurts so deep to my core I think about leaving him often but our life together- though not perfect- is very comfortable. I think if it hadn’t been for the constant rejection from my ex maybe I could find a way to cope, but this is more than I can bear. Perhaps being alone is the only answer for me, or do I just pick the wrong men? Or do I ask too much that sex 2-3 times a week is what I need to be fulfilled.

    I will try the tea but I think I need to switch anti-depressants to something that kills my sex drive. Something needs to change or this relationship will not last either. Any thoughts or other suggestions?

  10. allison

    Omg..I cannot get rid of this horrible constant urge for sex. I’m 52 yrs old and everyday around 3pm I’m a mess. Please help.

    • jen

      I am almost 52, perimenopausal and have been feeling the same for 6 months, and when husband can’t / won’t accommodate it’s horrible.

  11. gbers

    So glad I came across this. I’m going to start drinking spearmint tea all the time now!! My fiancé has no sex drive what so ever whereas my sex drive is so terribly high, I’m hoping this works…..

  12. PH

    I wanted to know if there is a reason for a woman who has a sexual appetite whenever she is or has been kissed or touched by her gentleman friend. She has been without a sexual partner other than being a caregiver for 13 years to a husband of 42 years. Would medication cause this reaction or could this just be a normal reaction after being celibate for so long?
    She takes antidepressants and pain medicine as well as being a diabetic. Her friend who is 64 and she being 63 thinks its not normal to want sex all the time.
    Is there some side effects to medicine that makes you sexual all the time? This really is a problem because her friend has medical problems that make it so hard to keep up with her and they argue about it.
    I hope someone out there has heard her problem and can advise her what to do, besides finding a younger man. She has only had sex with one man her late husband and her new friend has really awoken her desires like never before.

    • sarah
      north Yorkshire

      Why are we women trying to lower our sex drive and think it’s shameful to be like this when we have been taught all our lives that it’s the women who always turn men down in the bed room? I have a high libido and my husband’s is very low and I am made to feel like I should be ashamed to find him sexy and want to be intimate where as if it was the other way round I’d be told I was frigid and I should see to his needs. It’s accepted that if a wife isn’t fulfilling her husband’s needs he is well within his rights to have an affair but a woman must suffer in silence. WHY do our feelings not matter ? I say we are beautiful strong sexy women and we deserve to be treated as such I am sick of being ashamed for wanting sex!!!!

      • Pepsi

        All this makes me cry to read as I have been going through the same & also feel that as women we are made to feel that it’s us women that are demanding of men.. Men are easily pleased by just looking at porn whereas women need much more than images.

    • Michelle P.
      Houston, TX

      Finding a younger man will not help, mine is 8 years younger and I still have the same problem. In the beginning it was all the time, now I’m lucky if I get it twice a week. I really feel like there’s something wrong with me.

      • Alicia

        I was about to post the same comment. My husband is 7 years younger. I’m 41. I’m lucky to get twice a week, I guess, but it is just not enough! I truly believe that porn has made men lazy.

  13. dmap

    I’m so happy I ran across this. I do have pcos. These stories so sound like me. Thank you I will try the tea.

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