a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Amy
    Lake
    Reply

    I am 30 , I’m so glad I’m not the only one that has this problem it is so frustrating and agravating and feeling lonely and sexually flustrated, we have always told each other its ok to masterbate when your horney, but it seems like he does but when I get home i want to have sex but he doesnt, he knows it upsets me he tells me all the time he loves me he doesn’t want to lose me ,hes sorry, im to tired right now or go to sleep I will wake you up in a little bit, or sometimes he will get the vibrator out and use it on me, i rather have him, im to the point where i dont want my sex drive any more whats the point, also when need to masterbate I can’t have two boys in the house so its harder for me just to masterbate when ever i need to. Just reading all the comments makes me burst into tears. I cant eat or sleep it bothers me so bad I’m just lost on options on what I can do to crave less sex I know he loves me we been through a lot together I actually helped him in so many ways.

  2. Elizabeth M.
    Kansas
    Reply

    I too am hoping through the same problem, and this is the second partner to not keep up with my drive. But with this one it’s different, any time he rejects it, he always says “I don’t want to disappoint you.” Even though that statement right there is disappointing. I get upset over it, I hurt, and I always ask myself “why doesn’t he want me? What am I doing wrong?”

    I usually fall asleep after he does, and I cry myself to sleep every night. I get offended when he masturbates, (because why masturbate when I’m literally right there?) and I don’t like to masturbate because it makes me feel gross.

    I don’t know what to do. I’m giving up on sex. Even though he asked me not to.

  3. genavieve
    United States
    Reply

    My husband and I have run into this on more than one occasions and I am stumped. I am so tired of this issue that I don’t want a sex drive at all. It’s not worth the fight and the feeling of shame and sadness that come with rejection.

  4. Anonymous
    u.s.a
    Reply

    I know the pain WAY too well. I would give ANYTHING to lower or even get rid of my sex drive. If I could describe my boyfriend’s sex drive, I would compare it to that of a 90 year old nun. It drives me to absolute tears. I can’t count how many times I had cried over it. Never been so sexually frustrated. But no matter what, I love him more than anything and wouldn’t risk our relationship for anything. Somebody help…

  5. hyperhidrosis
    pa
    Reply

    I’m looking for a med to reduce my sex drive without lowering testosterone. I’m a single male w extreme hyperhidrosis (hands drip with sweat). I have a physical job requiring strength given by male hormones. My sex drive plus the social consequences of the hyperhidrosis is very embarrassing. I would like to be able focus on life rather than obsessing on fantasy. I think there are a lot of men out there w similar inabilities to secure outlets normally who could be served by snuffing out this distracting and wasteful urge.

  6. Onyxx
    Down South USA
    Reply

    Hello, I am happy and saddened to find so many going through the same problem as I am. I thought I was alone. I am 44 he is 50. This is the best relationship I have ever had. He is awesome. We have so much in common. He is truly my soul mate. The only problem, little or no intimacy and no sex. We were together briefly when I was in my 20’s but did not commit because so much was going on in our lives. Sex was always outstanding. When we first got back together after a 14 yr. Absence things were wonderful. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me. That was back in july of 2014. Now we average about once a month if that. When we do, it’s usually disappointing for both of us. I am a firm believer in communication and have spoken to him about my feelings. He has tried testosterone supplements and other thing’s, he watches what he eats. He assures me that I’m not the problem but I can’t help but wonder. If sex is to be had I must initiate it, often getting rejected. I masturbate a lot which makes me angry and frustrated. I want sex but only with him. Cheating is not an option, as I have wanted this man my whole life. Is there anyone out there who has tried the tea? If so, what was the outcome?

  7. Alex
    Canada
    Reply

    I’m holding back tears as I write this. Me and my fiancé have been together for over 6 years and for the last 4 our sex life has been shattered. We might have sex 3 times a years, tops. Sometimes we go days without even kissing! I love him so much and I know he loves me but he just won’t have sex with me! Or anything like that. It absolutely breaks my heart because life it perfect otherwise.
    I’m glad I found this because I really want to kill my sex drive. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I want to be happy!

  8. Heather
    Indy
    Reply

    I’m welled up with tears of empathy for each of the posts I’ve read. Married for 12 years, I have a wonderful husband however, our marriage is on the brink because of my sex drive, or the lack of his. This has been a battle we’ve endured since the birth of our first (11 years ago) and it has progressively gotten worse with the passing of time. I, like all of you, have tried everything to “make” him want me and I’m beyond exhausted with the dead end conversations, the accusations, countless nights of crying myself to sleep, and endless fights.
    We’ve done everything possible on both our ends including but not limited to checking his testosterone, dietary changes, and even separating for a time. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor in a last ditch effort to save ‘us’ and would like to know, for those of you who have been using the tea, is it affective? Have you been able to keep your drive at bay to any degree?

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