a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive

and

Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Amoy
    Georgia
    Reply

    Lack of sex is putting a strain on my marriage. My sex drive is off the radar and my husband’s is lost in space. I’m to the point where I feel like ending our marriage. It’s painful, mentally and physically, and I am at the end of the rope.

  2. Gudz
    India
    Reply

    I wait every night for him, we are married since 1 year but he don’t have passion or love for me, he cares about me, he love me in front of people but he don’t have sexual drive from me… Since marriage we have sex once a month or twice sometimes… I have always dream of a happy married life including sex life but other than sex everything is perfect, I love him so can’t leave him… Sounds stupid but this way I can’t live with him… I feel horrible… I feel like forcing him into this every weekend… After lots and lots of arguments every weekend still I fight for myself….. I don’t know what else I can do to make things better… He don’t care about my feelings I think… He thinks as is not important part of married life but my sex drive is high so I don’t know how to control myself.. I m tired of my feeling becoming depressed.

  3. 🐃Beverly
    Winston Salem ,NC
    Reply

    To any of you ladies who are with a “boyfriend ” with a low or no sex drive ,& it leaves you frustrated and miserable…. Get out of the relationship.

    I’ve been exactly where you are for 15 years. When we first started dating , it was so passionate. But within weeks, I knew something was very wrong. I’d never felt so rejected by a man who was supposedly so in love with me …..he tried Drs and anti-depressants, took testosterone injections , everything. Nothing helped.

    I’ve been miserable over this for our entire marriage. The reason I married him was because everything about our relationship was so good. He continued to struggle with depression, and eventually had an affair. This made NO sense to me,since he wanted no sex at home. I should add that I’m slim and considered very attractive , so that’s not the issue. After a couple of years of his going back and forth- wanting to leave and then changing his mind- we finally renewed our vows and put the affair behind us.

    His libido has gotten even worse, which I didn’t think was possible.

    Now he says he has zero interest and that it has nothing to do with me. He claims that his male family members are the same way….and that his co-workers are mostly disinterested in sex as well. You would think that I’m the only person in the world who thinks its normal to make love a couple of times per week.

    I feel like I can’t bear it sometimes – it’s driving me crazy. I feel so much hurt and cry at night because he makes me feel so undesirable ..I know for sure that it isn’t me,but that doesn’t help when you have no other outlet for sexual intimacy. I have no problem with masturbation but that isn’t the same at all I miss the intimacy.

    I consider finding a sexual partner to help with this pain I feel , but that seems like a difficult thing to do as well.
    If I could do things over, I’d never have married him because of this issue- no matter how good the rest of the relationship is; It’s not worth it. If you’re still young and not yet married, don’t even consider staying with a guy who doesn’t have desires , if you have a normal libido. It will be a miserable life- I can assure you.

  4. Gloria
    outerspace
    Reply

    My libido is off the charts today. It feels like I am going to lose my mind. I don’t want sex, my body does. My hubby of 31 years is impotent and we have not been romantic outside the bed, so I am turned off to be creative with him. What’s a girl to do. I hate masturbation because it feels immoral. The aftermath is self disgust because of carnality and a feeling of weakness. I am torn, I am tearful, because who do you talk to about it? If I could circumcise my clitoris, I would. This is madness. Is there any help? I’m going to raid my cabinets in search of mint tea, in hopes I get some kind of relief.

    • Amoy
      Reply

      I know exactly how you feel. My body has this need and he has none. Now, when he wants to have Sex, it only pleases him and I feel nothing. After wanting and waiting, my body goes to a shut off period. I’m going to try the tea. I need some kind of relief.

  5. Michelle
    Texas
    Reply

    I’m a 43 year old woman. My husband is 41 and we have been married for 11 years. He is an amazing husband. I know he loves me and he takes good care of me, but he has no need for sex and I do. We’ve gone a year with out a sex or even a passionate kiss because he knows I will get excited. Our norm is to have sex once every 3 to four month. I would love to have sex a couple of times a week. We are both so off. I love my husband and I wouldn’t cheat on him, but I need something that can lower my desires to have sex. I’ve heard about the mint tea, but I do not like any type of tea. Is there something else I can do or take? I do not want to divorce my husband over this, but I’m tired of crying, of feeling lonely, undesired, frustrated and irritate it.

  6. L
    Burnsville, Minnesota
    Reply

    I love People’s pharmacy…..thank you for covering so many topics. I just got off of Cymbalta that I was on for 8 years! Seriously. Not much of a sex drive over the past 8 years. That was fine with my husband who does not have a sex drive at all. I am 59. When I was 48 I went a bit crazy for sex. My husband did not want to have sex. I eventually had an affair and we were separated for three years. We sleep in different bedrooms due to snoring. Not great for intimacy. Tonight I stimulated myself and oh my, Three hours later…. I am worried that I won’t be able to fall asleep. I have been aggressively biking the past two weeks to get exercise to make sure that my anxiety and irritability for which I was being treated with the Cymbalta the biking is wonderful. I know it will help me with sexual desires. And I am going to try the Mint Tea tomorrow when I can get to the coop…..but geez….don’t want to have my life fall apart again due to sex. I have a pretty good life, there is a lot more to life than sex….wow.

  7. Jacquelyne
    Gaffney SC
    Reply

    This makes me feel a little better. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years now. At first the sex was strong, and well, just amazing!!!!! But that changed very soon after we moved in together.

    Rejection is whats hurts the most. He’s just not into having sex with me. My sex drive is extremely high, and I often want it at least 3 to 5 times a week If not more. I absolutely love sex!!!!!

    He, on the other hand, never feels the need to have sex. And when he does have sex with me it’s usually just to please me. He doesn’t even want to kiss on me or rub on me. I fix myself up, get sexy and try to tease him. But he just turns me away. Says he’s tired or just not in the mood or sick. I feel so badly about myself sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I feel so ugly!!!! It’s the main reason why we argue. And it makes me feel so selfish.

    Don’t get me wrong: he’s a great guy. I just wish there was a way I could raise his sex drive or do something to make mine disappear. It hurts so bad feeling this way. Feeling unattractive and not good enough for him. I have depression already and being rejected by the main person I have in my life just destroys me in so many ways. I just want to distance myself from him because I know I’m going to make a move on him and I already know he going to either ignore me or turn me down.

    I’m not used to this at all. I’ve always ended up with someone with a very healthy sex drive. So when I got into this one I felt very disappointed. I don’t believe in cheating on people at all and I love him with all my heart. I’m just pondering in my head if I should stay or should I go and find someone with the same sex drive as me or stay in this relationship and be completely miserable with myself all the time. I’m gaining weight feeling this way. I’m starting to have absolutely no energy or desire to do the things I once loved to due to lack of sex. I just need to find a way to cope with this “problem” I have….

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