a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Brenda

    I cried when I read everyone’s comments now I do not think I am crazy. It is so hard to try and explain how I feel to my husband who was always appologizing thinking it was his fault and feeling that he was not satisifying me, which he does very well I might add. Thanks to this website and everyone’s comments he could read and understand what I feel and am going thru. I have been to the Dr’s and have had my hormone levels checked and was told they were normal, what the hell is normal? Because I don’t/didn’t feel normal. Thanks everyone! I am gonna try the tea and look for the herb. I am truly blessed with a wonderful, very understanding husband who is willing to change for me,but after reading this we are going to work together so we will both be satisified. Thanks again :)

  2. emily

    I am in tears. I thought I was the only one . It’s so painful and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. going to go buy some tea. :'(

  3. Nadja

    Reading your comments made me realize that I have always approached my problem from the wrong angle. I am 27 and I have never been desired by another person. It makes me feel useless and unworthy. I have a great family and many friends, but still I ask myself every day why I am even on this earth, when nobody wants me. I am not overweight (62kg, 170cm), long blonde hair, blue eyes, flawless skin… I have even undergone plastic surgery in an effort to make myself more attractive. Nothing. A few years ago I decided that I should try to have affairs, if I can’t find a partner. It made everything worse. Now I know what I’m missing and I am even sadder than before.

    Never did it occur to me that you might find the right partner and then still feel undesired and unwanted. I guess this sad and vicious cycle never stops.
    I will try the tea also, because maybe if I can ignore my sexual desires, I can more focus on my job and other activities I enjoy. I still want to have at least one child with the help of a sperm donor in a few years. I don’t want to risk missing my chance and become too old. I know I will be able to provide stable conditions and all the love in the world for him or her, but still it is breaking my heart that he or she will never know the father. Because nobody ever wanted the mother… This is something I won’t tell him or her. It is the sad truth I have to live with.

  4. Sue Ann

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year I have a really high sex drive like 4-5 times a day but since I been with my boyfriend it has slowed down alot like if lucky 2-3 times a month it doesn’t even bother or phase him that it hurts me he says he dont understand why sex is such an important part of a relationship he is completely blind when it comes down to a relationship. what do I do?

  5. frustrated man
    south africa

    I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 years now. In the beginning we would have sex 2 times a week and if I’m lucky 3 times…..as the years passed we slowly had less and less sex. Now im lucky if she will have sex with me twice a month. For her it’s not even a possibility that it could be a problem that I would like to have more sex. She has apologise to me about having a lower sex drive and I would feel terrible to have her have sex with me to please me and not us both. At times I feel I might be disappointing in bed. I’ve asked her for suggestions and she always says the sex is great. I dont understand why I can’t have her more often or why she doesn’t want sex. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too boring. Just wish I wouldn’t feel so rejected. Would rather have no sex drive than feel like this…..

  6. Danielle

    How much spearmint tea needs to be drank a day? I hate teas and hot drinks. But I have dealt with this problem for 11 years and I am done being hurt. I would rather not have any desire for sex then to keep holding my breath that my husband will want it finally!

    • Cynthia

      I heard that 2 cups will do. One in the morning and one in the evening. Please do not overdose; it may have bad effects on your liver gradually. If you felt itching on your skin, or any kind of stinging in your body due to the overdosing, try having some cucumbers, yoghurt, tomato, lettuce and/or coriander to cool your liver down.

  7. melany

    I am crying so much reading all these comments. I felt I was the only one and I was so ashamed to share my feelings with anyone. I have never told about this situation to any friend or family member its so embarrassing. My husband has no interest in sex at all. I have been married for 4 years and he is not into sex at all, not only that but he rejects even a kiss or any form of intimacy in the bed. Its so hard for me to understand why he rejects me so much. All my life I had so many guys after me since many people say I am very pretty. I was 24 when I got married and I am about to be 29 my husband is 30. I always thought of sex as something very important and I never wanted to have sex with any boyfriend so 2 of them left me because of that. With my husband I had sex when we were engaged it was great but after a couple of weeks into the marriage he was not interested in having sex anymore… I feel so depressed. I will try the tea several times a day… hope this help.

  8. Lee

    How sad that we feel the need to suppress our desire instead of our partners making the effort to improve theirs.
    I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do but after 16 years of beating my head against a wall I’m trying the tea. Still makes me sad :/

    • K

      It is SO hard to feel this way… day in and day out. I too find it difficult to understand why my pleas for love and affection seem to go unnoticed. There is always the “hope” that it will change, and then you just feel more devastated in the long run. I constantly tell myself “never again!” but, just the sight of my husband gives me butterflies… and then I’m lost again. It’s nice to know I’m not alone though. THANK YOU to everyone who has shared their struggles!

    • Cynthia

      Please do not overdose. You can have 2 cups everyday, one in the morning and one in the evening. Overdosing may “heat up” your liver gradually that causes itching of the skin, or stinging inside the body. If this happened, cucumbers, yoghurt, tomato, lettuce and coriander can help to cool down your liver.

  9. Tisa
    United States

    Hey I been married over a year now. I’m 32 years old and my husband is 29. He’s a young man trapped in a old man body. We have sex once a week if I’m lucky. But only when he wants it. I have a high sex drive. I feel unattractive. I do everything to make him desire my body but it don’t work. I’m sad and hurting about the situation. I see him naked or even when he kisses me I’m ready. But when he sees me naked he just keep doing what he doing. I’m on the road of a divorce because I refuse to cheat. I shouldn’t have to please myself when I have a husband.

    • Lee

      It’s awful isn’t it. I feel like I’m being punished.

  10. FrustratedLADY

    I’ve read a theory that because of men’s natural instinct to spread their seed they get bored after a certain amount of time (it seems we all agree around 6 months). Watching porn allows them to imagine having sex with multiple women without ACTUALLY having sex with them.

    I don’t know if I believe this theory, but I DO know that I DON’T like it! It makes me loose faith in ever having a satisfying long term sexual relationship.

    I, like all you ladies have a high sex drive. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and I’m worried because of our difference in sex drive-his is low. He was smoking weed for a while and then he quit, and it was like he was a new person, we had sex much more.

    But now, our schedules have changed and I feel that porn has become more of a staple in his sex life than I have. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to wait, if I really am the better option between the two like he says…

    I just worry because I love this man, everything else is wonderful. Do I try to change things, end things, or keep things going and just buy stock in spearmint tea?!

    I look forward to trying the spearmint tea!

    @CELIBATE WIFE I completely agree with the frustration comment!

  11. Pablo M.

    I curse that life…my wife are much low sex drive…behhhhh

  12. Celibate Wife
    United States

    How do I deal? I cry a lot. More than 4.5 years since the last sex my husband I have had. Masturbation is no help.

    It was not always this way. We used to have sex. Out of the blue, it just stopped. I have always been “oversexed” and it never bothered me. I went from barely satisfied with once a week to nothing at all. He says he’s sorry and he’ll try harder.

    We’ve been to counseling. Not much progress there.

    It’s made me mean and bitter and sad. Thanks for the tip about the tea.

  13. Jade

    I am single, 23, never married – but with a high sex drive. I had sex a couple months back and the guy I was with cheated on me. But now all I think about is the sex, the pleasure, the intimacy. I truly regret getting into a fast paced intimate relationship because now it has affected me after the relationship. I have never been married and masturbatjon is making it a lot worse. It’s affecting my sleep, I dream of sex, which isn’t helping me throughout the day!!! Now I am worried if I decide to get married. I’m worried he may want less sex than I. I feel so ashamed. (There’s still no man in my life now and not looking for a husband)

    But I will try spearmint tea and to cut out masturbation for good. Let me know how it all works for you all!! Thank you for this article. :)

  14. Cynthia

    THE SPEARMINT TEA HAS BEEN GREAT for me. I take two cups in the morning (before or after breakfast) and although it takes 5-7 hours to completely free me from the urge, it is only GREAT. The effect usually lasts for a day or 1.5. I am having it every now and then for about 1.5 months and there is NO SIDE EFFECT. If you’re having stronger urge, have more (twice a day, every day).
    And something else: if you take it before the urge starts to come up, you proactively get rid of the psychological hardness of patience in those 5 to 7 hours (I am anti-masturbation for religious reasons, so I tolerate the hours…). It is now my GOLDEN beloved savior drink :)
    Here are a few points from my own experience:
    1- Overdose may cause symptoms like itching of skin (on arms, legs, head,…), if this happens, have lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, watermelon or things like those, which “cool down” the body (usually these fruits and veggies are also anti-libido or have no effect).
    2- Libido increases before menstruation cycle and around ovulation time. So you can plan for the days.
    3- Things that “heat up the body” like different types of spices, peppers ( esp. bell-peppers) are libido-master-boosters! You’d better avoid them as much as possible.
    I will add more if I get any new thing :)

    • Cynthia

      I just forgot to mention a point: It is said that, similar to black or green tea, mint tea interferes iron absorption. I do not know if this is true, but I try not not to take it around my main meals.

  15. valerie
    Niles, OH

    So many women with the exact same problem as me. Some of you are so right. It is unthinkable to want to kill your base instinct to want to love and be loved. We should not even have to. But I’ve been so miserable in every single sexual relationship after the newness of the first 6 months wears off with the men. I don’t understand how they all complain about wanting a woman who loves sex, but once they find her, he Fails her. Why does it have to change? It never does for me. I even warn the poor bastards when we meet. I’ve tried the “Sexual Contract” I’m at a loss other than to kill it. Masturbating does not work, it makes it worse. I am the Head of this house hold. I work, I cook, I clean, I care for the kids…. He has one job, but no, he can’t even do that, porn gets that while I earn the money. Every, single, time. This tea better work!

  16. Michelle P.
    Houston, TX

    I am really at my wits end. I am about to be 40, my boyfriend is 31, I feel like I’m truly about to lose my mind. I’ve always had a high sex drive. When we first got together it was all day everyday for hours, now its once MAYBE twice a week. Oh but make sure he gets his oral pleasure or we’ll have an argument. I finally opened up and stopped hiding me masterbating and tried including him but all I get now is “oh you had to rub one out?” That does not help anything, I already feel crazy enough. I’ve tried licorice that doesn’t work because I like licorice and I don’t like tea, I just want to lock myself in a room and never come out. I really don’t know what to do. He also thinks that when I masterbate it is because he isn’t pleasing me. The sex is great, when I get it. I have explained this several times, I just want more when he’s tired and wants to stop.

  17. The_man

    I am absolutely insulted. “Men can just go to the shower, or bathroom watch porn & get relief”

    You are VERY misinformed. I’m in a severe mismatch of libido’s in my 20’s. Masturbation does NOT give relief. After a few weeks it doesn’t do anything but a temporary band aide for a few hours.

    It’s like saying oh, you need food? Eat this saltine cracker. Well, by lunch I’m totally starving again.

  18. laura
    The Netherlands

    I have the same problem. I thought it was because of the age difference between my partner and me. He is 12 years older than me. He is noworking 42 and perhaps that might be why he is interested in sex so little. I just don’t understand that he is happy to look at other women the way he does, yet he is not that into sex. I starting to think it might be me. I feel so insecure about this. I am resorting to mastrubation sometimes but I can’t help but feel upset, angry and sad when yet again falls asleep whilst I made it clear I wanted to be intimate with him. He is asleep as we speak and here I am venting my frustration. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take this. I tried to talk to him about it in a slightly jokey and silly way but I know he gets my point. What can I do about this?? I feel over sexed and abnormal and rejected. Please help me.

  19. mary

    I want to know if the spearmint tea reduces the libido for good or just for as long as it is been consumed.

    • Cynthia

      For me, it “kills” it completely after 5-7 hours from consuming, and the effect lasts for 1 days or so. (I am 33, female, single, with no relationship.)

  20. Jenn
    United States

    I am very happy to have found this website. I have found it unbelievably depressing to have a high sex drive and be married to a man who has no desire in sex whatsoever. I went a year with him in a sexless marriage, and eventually had an affair. Short term good, long term bad. My husband would not do anything for me – and he knew I tried to find relief from someone else. It’s empty relief. Men can solve the problem more easily, independently, so to speak, whereas women cannot just jump into a shower or bathroom and get relief. I found I cannot even go over bumps in the road. I feel like a freak.

  21. Nkem

    To be fair, I think this is all ridiculous, if it was the other way round, the men would have left or even worse cheated. Why are you feeling guilty about something that you desire and is a part of you? Why would you want to change that? If it’s only you doing the compromising then I strongly advise you rethink your relationships because if you partner can’t even consider your needs then what’s the point of changing yours to appease him?

  22. Jessica
    United States

    Hi, I was married and with my ex-husband for 11 years. I have had this same problem with him almost the entire time. He hardly ever initiated sex and if he did it was just to appease me. That and along with some other issues I finally left. He often looked at porn and had no problems achieving an erection, but I felt it was just that he never loved me and wasn’t really attracted to me.

    Now I am with a man that truly does love me, but I have the same problem with. If I am lucky we have sex twice a month and he hardly initiates it. I know I have gained about 10 pounds since we have been together and of course I am trying to take it off but it’s slow going. I know that I am not the best looking girl but am I repulsive? I am starting to think this has to be so. My ideal world would be sex twice a week but I know that will never happen. This issue hurts so deep to my core I think about leaving him often but our life together- though not perfect- is very comfortable. I think if it hadn’t been for the constant rejection from my ex maybe I could find a way to cope, but this is more than I can bear. Perhaps being alone is the only answer for me, or do I just pick the wrong men? Or do I ask too much that sex 2-3 times a week is what I need to be fulfilled.

    I will try the tea but I think I need to switch anti-depressants to something that kills my sex drive. Something needs to change or this relationship will not last either. Any thoughts or other suggestions?

  23. allison

    Omg..I cannot get rid of this horrible constant urge for sex. I’m 52 yrs old and everyday around 3pm I’m a mess. Please help.

    • jen

      I am almost 52, perimenopausal and have been feeling the same for 6 months, and when husband can’t / won’t accommodate it’s horrible.

  24. gbers

    So glad I came across this. I’m going to start drinking spearmint tea all the time now!! My fiancé has no sex drive what so ever whereas my sex drive is so terribly high, I’m hoping this works…..

  25. PH

    I wanted to know if there is a reason for a woman who has a sexual appetite whenever she is or has been kissed or touched by her gentleman friend. She has been without a sexual partner other than being a caregiver for 13 years to a husband of 42 years. Would medication cause this reaction or could this just be a normal reaction after being celibate for so long?
    She takes antidepressants and pain medicine as well as being a diabetic. Her friend who is 64 and she being 63 thinks its not normal to want sex all the time.
    Is there some side effects to medicine that makes you sexual all the time? This really is a problem because her friend has medical problems that make it so hard to keep up with her and they argue about it.
    I hope someone out there has heard her problem and can advise her what to do, besides finding a younger man. She has only had sex with one man her late husband and her new friend has really awoken her desires like never before.

    • sarah
      north Yorkshire

      Why are we women trying to lower our sex drive and think it’s shameful to be like this when we have been taught all our lives that it’s the women who always turn men down in the bed room? I have a high libido and my husband’s is very low and I am made to feel like I should be ashamed to find him sexy and want to be intimate where as if it was the other way round I’d be told I was frigid and I should see to his needs. It’s accepted that if a wife isn’t fulfilling her husband’s needs he is well within his rights to have an affair but a woman must suffer in silence. WHY do our feelings not matter ? I say we are beautiful strong sexy women and we deserve to be treated as such I am sick of being ashamed for wanting sex!!!!

      • Pepsi

        All this makes me cry to read as I have been going through the same & also feel that as women we are made to feel that it’s us women that are demanding of men.. Men are easily pleased by just looking at porn whereas women need much more than images.

      • Celibate Wife
        United States


        For me, it’s not about shame. I have a right to be every bit as sexual as I feel. I don’t feel shame from wanting sex. What I feel is a level of frustration that I just want rid of. If I don’t want it, it can stop plaguing me all the time.

    • Michelle P.
      Houston, TX

      Finding a younger man will not help, mine is 8 years younger and I still have the same problem. In the beginning it was all the time, now I’m lucky if I get it twice a week. I really feel like there’s something wrong with me.

      • Alicia

        I was about to post the same comment. My husband is 7 years younger. I’m 41. I’m lucky to get twice a week, I guess, but it is just not enough! I truly believe that porn has made men lazy.

        • sara

          I don’t think men are lazy that is a bit hard to say.
          I am happy married 34 and my husband 40 we been together for 16yrs and over the last 6yrs sex as slowly disappeared. and at the moment its been 3 months and last year we only made love 4 times which made me very sad. As I do have a high sex drive and masturbation has never done anything for me so hearing theres many others out there like me makes me feel normal. But why I say that men are not lazy is this it is only through have such a great relationship with my husband that I came aware that he was having trouble getting it up and keeping it up. when we sat and talked and I told him how I felt and how depressed it was making me ,he broke down and told me that he had been taking pills just to try and make love to me for he troubles start when he was 29 at first I though it may have been a excuse to help make me feel better but the more he talks the more I realize it was true as there had been times in the past when I saw him taking a pill but he had said it was vitamins he had not been to a doc and till I made him and the doc said she had see 100s of young men with the same trouble, but unlike us most go on without telling their partners as them self are ashamed and feel less of a man.

          So I would say to speak to your partners and see if there anything.
          lifes hard laying next to my hubby feeling horny knowing he wants me too is the hardest thing more so now that the tablets don’t always work, I would never cheat on my hubby even though he said he would understand so at least now the tea may help thank you lady’s and please remember men aren’t like us they have that image to be strong and never show weakness

  26. dmap

    I’m so happy I ran across this. I do have pcos. These stories so sound like me. Thank you I will try the tea.

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