a young couple in bed has problems and crisis. divorce and separation.

Q. Wow. After reading dozens of other posts to this website I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average. Other than the lack of sex my relationship is perfect.

I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30’s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex. Apparently this has been an issue for him before. On average we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. Its driving me crazy. At this point once a week would sound good to me.

It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. Between rejection and knowing sex does so little for him I want to give up. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive. Never could I have imagined this would be my life.

A. It has surprised us how many women have experienced the same problem you are going through. It is almost as if there is some environmental exposure that is dampening desire of millions of men. To see what other women are going through, here are two links on our website:

Seeking Ways To Suppress Sex Drive


Women Who Want Sex More Than Men

We are always reluctant to suggest strong medications that might dampen desire. Most of the antidepressant medications such as fluoxetine, paroxetine or sertraline will do this, but the side effects are worrisome. And stopping such drugs can cause nightmares, literally and figuratively.

Here is an alternative that might be safer:

“I read on your website about women desperate to reduce their libido. I used to suffer from the same unwelcome sexual desires. I think my sex drive was due to excess testosterone.

“I fixed this problem by drinking spearmint tea in the morning and the evening for several weeks. Spearmint is available in health food stores or Latino groceries, where it is sold as yerba buena”.

We were surprised to read that in Turkey, mint tea has a reputation for lowering libido. Animal research suggests that it may have an impact on testosterone.

Researchers treated 21 women who had unwanted facial hair suggesting high testosterone levels (Phytotherapy Research, May, 2007). A cup of spearmint tea twice a day for five days lowered free testosterone.

A British trial randomized 42 women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and high testosterone levels to take either spearmint tea or placebo tea twice a day for a month. At the end of 30 days testosterone levels were lower in the women who had consumed spearmint tea (Phytotherapy Research, Feb. 2010).

Spearmint tea seems much less likely to have undesirable side effects than certain other remedies people have tried, including licorice, saltpeter or chaste tree berry.

Perhaps a better solution would be to ask your partner to listen to this interview with Dr. Ruth. We talked with her on the radio about exactly this problem. Her suggestion: have the partner satisfy the person with the stronger sex drive. We won’t get too graphic here, but Dr. Ruth does not mince words. At her age and with her experience in sexual education, she can be surprisingly candid. In a loving relationship, the partner with the lower sex drive should be happy to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. Here’s a link to the description of the show and a one minute billboard.

What do you do to deal with different levels of libido? We would like to see your story. Post a comment below and share your own experience with this common problem.

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  1. Jessica

    It feels really good to know I’m not the only one. I’m here because I love my boyfriend and I would rather lower my sex drive than to leave him or cheat on him. I hate to admit that I’ve thought about it on many occasions. Sex with him is so good when we have and I love him so damn much so I know I could never do that but somethings gotta give and soon! I really can’t wait to try the mint tea I hope it works. Weve been together for three years and I love him to death. He has a very stressful, tiring job (police officer) so he says that’s part of the problem. He always says he’s tired or that he’d rather just relax. I wish he knew what that did to my self esteem… it makes me feel so unwanted. I cry about it all the time. I send him dirty pictures all the time hoping to get things going but nothing… I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could just take a magic pill to lower my sex drive because it’s putting such a damper on my relationship.

  2. Dan

    It’s so frustrating , I am a guy in the same situation 32 have sex about 1 every 3 months I don’t cry my self to sleep I just feel that way inside. It started before we got married and I thought it would get better. I always feel like it’s me that I’m not good enough she tries to assure me it’s not but it makes no difference. I now get anxious if we are going to have sex ,one part of me wishes that I had no sex drive but the other part of me loves sex and when I see her I just want to be with her.But that’s not to be and it sadden me that this is really her peak of her sexual drive at 30. My Confidence and our relationship is breaking and she doesn’t understand. I just feel empty. I love her and I will never cheat I wish I could show her how important this is to me. I feel like we are co living with the odd bit of sex
    I truely understand how you ladies feel.

    I think it is just as important to try match libido as it is to find a good person

  3. Cathy

    Like many of you, I’m crying myself to sleep as I type. I can’t believe that the sex in my relationship is this stressful that I had to google search “how to kill my sex drive..” My boyfriend and I are the same age he just turned 25 and I’m about to turn 25. We’ve been together for 1 year and 5 months. We were long distance for the first year but we would see each other every weekend. The sex was so great I won’t even lie to you all.. It’s why I kept driving up to his university! I lived with him for his last summer session and that’s when I started to get rejections and excuses. Although, I caught him masterbating to porn in his bathroom so I was LIVID! Come on.. You wake up right next to your girlfriend and prefer to go take care of yourself in the bathroom when you can easily just satisfy your desire (and mine).. ?!?! We live in the same city now and still rarely have sex. My sex drive is off the charts. I could have sex every day multiple times a day if I had someone who wanted it that often too! I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, undersired, and unloved. I’m also exhausted of fighting over it all the time. I love him so much, but honestly at this point it’s either I kill my sex drive or I leave him.. Has any one seen a doctor about this? Is there any way to do it quickly?? I don’t know how much more of this I can take..

    • Cynthia

      Wow I relate to u totally. Same situation. Exact. Well I’m going to try the tea. This article for me was very similar. Down to the illness mentioned.

  4. Double Standard

    It sucks that a lot of women go through this, and I can get coming to sympathize here, and I don’t mean to crap on anyone’s feelings here. That said, in my opinion, there is a double standard here. I know it’s common for people to think that men have higher sexual desires and some may find it shocking that there are women with the greater libido in the relationship, but if the genders were reversed and men were complaining about lack of sex in their lives like this, wouldn’t there be hordes of angry comments about them being pigs?

    I think it’s unfair to expect someone to pleasure you, regardless of gender.

    If someone isn’t into it, they’re just not into it. There’s masturbation and toys and plenty of other things both genders can do to get themselves off these days. Expecting your partner to put out just because you’re horny seems really entitled — regardless of gender.

  5. Denise
    East Coast USA

    My husband and I have been married 17 yrs. I have always had a very high sex drive, my husband is gone for extended periods of time. I figured that he might want to at least try to make up for some of the lost time together. We have talked in length about his lack of “libido” and my “over active” libido. I even had a hysterectomy last year (90% of women have a decrease in libido, according to my OBGYN). My already active libido has increased. Much to my husband’s and my dismay. I have drank mint teas for years, don’t know if it has done any good. My husband, jokingly tells me to find a boy-toy, but I don’t want anyone else. He has joked about that since we first got married. When we are intimate it is mind-blowing, because I love him. I go through bouts of depression because I feel that he is not attracted to me, and only has sex with me because he feels obligated. He feels our sex life is perfect, except that I am not happy with it. I am 41 years old he is just a year younger and this has been an issue for me for the past 15 years. If I ask him if he is still attracted to me, his response is “WTF are you thinking, of course I am, you’re beautiful and I love you.” That being said, the self doubt is still there. I am/was a very confident woman, just now that I am older and not a fit as I use to be, I feel like I am losing him. I am at a loss on what to do.

  6. Candice

    Help! My boyfriend and I have been together 18months and lived together for over a year. I am 28 and he is 31 and in the last 6 months our sex life has dwindled to 3 maybe 4 times a month. When it does happen, sex has never been a problem for us and it is truly the best sex I have ever had. Its incredible! But that just makes me want it all the more. I’ve been going crazy out of my mind and its to the point where I can’t handle the shame and self loathing that comes with his rejection. Despite this, we have an amazing relationship! He is my best friend, team mate and future. I love him no end and leaving him is not an option because he offers me so much and I am completely aware that sex isn’t everything. He is VERY affectionate and that has not wavered. He still hugs/kisses me all day everyday, tells me he loves me and can’t walk past me without grabbing my bum or giving me a smooch. His job is not overly stressful, he doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs and only drinks on weekends. We have a decent diet and eat mostly vegetarian/paleo and he exercises (runs) almost daily. We talk openly and he’s aware of my frustrations and assures me that it isn’t me and he still is attracted to me sexually. He just feels like once or twice every fortnight is enough and doesn’t understand why I crave more. Its not like I want it five times a day or even every day, I feel I would be happy with 3 times a week. He has said that this is his regular libido and its the same as it has been in other relationships. When we first started seeing each other, we did it every night for the first few months and yes I understand that that is normal when you start seeing someone new but for him to go from one extreme to the other is so confusing for me? Why were we doing it so much if he has a naturally low libido? I have tried everything. I’ve tried taking the pressure off and not asking for it or initiating it. Ive also tried being the one to initiate more but I can’t handle the rejection and its seriously affecting my self esteem. Asking or trying to initiate is just not worth the embarrassment and tears that it causes me, so I’ve stopped trying. Yes I have told him my feelings and he says he feels dreadful and will make more of an effort, but nothing changes. I know that me bringing up my feelings makes him feel like be isn’t good enough for me and affects his confidence and I don’t want to do that to him anymore!! So I’ve stopped bringing it up. Yes I’ve tried taking care of things myself with masturbation (which I’ve also told him about) but I’m SO attracted to him and its him that I crave. I know how to please myself, but it isn’t on the same level and doesn’t satisfy me like he can. So no matter how much I do it, it doesn’t calm my urges. 
    I’m at my wits end and I NEED to do something as its starting to affect my daily thoughts and is pushing me back into depression (I suffered years ago). Is there something I can take, other than tea, that will drop my libido to his level? I care so much for this wonderful man that I’m determined not to let my over active sex drive get in the way of his AND my happiness. 

    • Anna

      I know exactly how you feel! It makes you feel unwanted, undesired or add I’d there is just plain something wrong with you. I rarely initiate sex anymore for be terrified of the rejection I know I’ll face.

      For me, the problem is doubly so Cuz I’m 5 months pregnant and even hornier than usual. Seems as though the only time we have sex is when I complain about the fact that we don’t have sex. At that point I take what I can get, but it’s definitely not enough. Yet, when we first got together it was low he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. We even got a hotel room the other night, and all he did was sleep.

      It just seems so unfair! And to now be at the point where I’m researching ways to lower my sexual libido? I am so at a loss right now. Especially when this was so not a problem when I was single.

    • marie
      Orange NSW

      Wow your story is exactly like mine, only my partner doesnt eat well doesn’t exercise and he smokes. I’m having the same problem, it feels like if we talk about it one more time that the logical step is to break up but neither of us want that.

  7. Bailey

    I’m so relieved to see that I’m not the only one who feels like this, I feel hurt, unattractive, and unwanted. He still shows me he loves me, but he won’t touch me . . . ever.

  8. Che

    Wow!! After searching up injections/medications to kill my sex drive, I’ve come across this forum and to my surprise I am not alone!

    I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now and he is my partner in crime, life and future. The only thing that’s got my mind baffled is the fact that he doesn’t like to have sex with me. He claims he’s tired, not feeling it or just plain out excuses. I have expressed that he makes it seem as if he’s not attracted to me sexually, but then he says he is. what is going on?
    I’ve done everything I can to make him want me the way I had hoped but nothing. I tell him I’m going to kill my sex drive and yet he refuses again. I don’t get why men don’t want you to do things when you are blunt about it and attempt to stop in hopes he will like it. I did mention to him that I will find somebody that wants me sexually and that I will walk if he doesn’t start acting right.

  9. Ashley
    kent, washington

    I know how you all feel.. I’m laying in bed next to the most amazing person I’ve ever met, after crying my eyes out I started looking online for ways to kill my sex drive. I have an extremely overactive sex drive, and my girlfriend has no sex drive. I’m 24, and she’s 61 but looks and acts as if she’s in her 30/40’s. I don’t know how to get her to understand that I don’t want to masturbate all the time, to know how much it devastates me when she gets me dripping then just ignores the subject. I’m so frustrated and unhappy but I love her so much!

  10. Terri

    WOW…I am shocked at the number of women going through this! I as others have state can’t believe that I am not alone in this. I have been in my relationship for 15 years, for 10 years we have been married. My story is the same as all the others. I don’t have a high sex drive, his is just non existent. We have had the talks, he gets it. Promises to do better, promises to go to the doctor and we are good for a couple of weeks. Then back to the same ole, same ole. Once a month IF I am lucky. I have researched forever about was to tame/diminish my sex drive because, well I am just tired. I am tired of trying, tired of feeling unattractive, tired of not feeling completely loved tired of feeling lonely, tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, like I am broken or something JUST because I WANT to have sex with my husband. Cheating is not an option for me, not for the lack of opportunity, but because I WANT my husband!! Leaving isn’t an option, because I love him. I am just afraid of the person that I am becoming because of all these emotions that I can do nothing about. I don’t want to resent him , or wind up in 30 years feeling as though I have wasted my life in a relationship that has a been unfulfilling. I want to tame my sex drive, but there is also this part of me that’s like… Why should I? I am a 40 year old woman in my prime, I want to enjoy life, enjoy my husband and I certainly don’t want to become complacent in a sexless marriage!! GGGRRRR I WILL figure this out. I refuse to live like this anymore!!

    • Kristy

      Wow, I’m in the same boat. 13 months living together and have gone up to 4 months without sex…. he drinks everyday & blames it on that. I am done, have been done bit unable to break it off

  11. Sarah

    After reading so many of the comments, I started crying.. It’s 5 am, and I just snuck off the the bathroom to masturbate. I’ve even masturbated with my man right next to me (he didn’t know).

    A lot of people have talked about how he’ll use their vibrator on him, or try to please her without sex. Honestly, I wish my man would at least Offer to do that. He’s not comfortable with stuff like that I guess. I’m lucky to get an axtual kiss (not just a peck) once a month..

    Most of the couples talked about on here are older than 30.. I’m 20 years old, he’s 27. It makes it harder for me because of our ages too. I feel he should have More sexual drive than most guys, but he acts like he’s 80 years old.

    We have sex avout once a month or so, and when we do it is less than satisfying because it’s over so quickly.. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he gets offensive and says he’s hurt that all I think about is sex and how I don’t “notice the little things.” I’m going crazy, there’s always an excuse, from being too tired, to eating too much his stomach hurts..!

    I love him to death and I will not cheat on him, and he’s not gonna do anything about it, so I want to kill my sex drive… Hopefully the Spearmint tea works.. Otherwise I’m asking my doctor.

  12. PDR

    Nature gives a good life .We have feelings like love, emotions etc. Love is different from sex.Decreasing of sexual feelings are very hard but comparing the love it’s very small. If you have more sexual feelings then try to concentrate on your special arts like painting,writing novel or reading.

    • Jennifer
      South Carolina

      I am 21 and my boyfriend is 27. I have such a high sex drive and it drives me crazy because his is so low. He only wants to have sex like every 5 weeks and I can’t wait that long. I have never masturbated and I don’t want to. Help what can I do?

  13. c273
    United States

    This is my life as well. I have been in my relationship for 3 1/2 years, everything was amazing, lots of intimacy the first couple of years, then it dwindled to now mabe twice a month. I don’t understand It, and I don’t want to feel so deeply hurt and insecure by it but I do not know how not to feel that way. He’s tired or doesn’t feel good, or some other excuse, every day. Yet he can masturbate by himself every day. We have thee most closed off sexual relationship I’ve ever heard of, which means we do Not talk about anything sexual nor is he comfortable with either touching himself around me, or me touching myself period.

  14. Alejandra

    Omg… This is so sad . I thought I was the only one going through this. I’m 27 years old and my husband is 31. I used to ask him all the time to do it. I also use to be so comfortable talking about it also. But now it’s like why bother it hurts more when he says no. I think we all grew up thinking that men have high sex drive I guess a lot of men don’t. It makes me feel better knowing that I’m not alone. I might have hysterectomy because of some uterine problems and I’m kinda looking fowerd to that because I heard that it lowers wemans desires. Writing this mAde me cry.

  15. Jaclyn

    I have met the perfect man, and we are compatible in every way except for sex. He is currently on anti-anxiety medication, and he attributes his low sex drive to its side effects. I still can’t help but feel rejected when we are ready and in the moment but his penis goes soft.

    We have discussed this somewhat but we figured it only takes some time before the side effects of the medicine to wear off. Nothing has really changed since that conversation, however.

    I know he loves me. I know he feels my frustrations, but I can’t help feeling undesirable.

    • Erin

      I cry quite frequently. My sex drive is very high, compared to my husband’s. We are both mid-thirties and healthy. I hate having to ask him for sex all the time. It’s humiliating. After he left for work this morning, I actually cried while masturbating. It affects the way that I see myself and the only thing that I want to do is kill my sex drive. I actually researched having my clitoris removed. Really, anything to get rid of this. I can’t stop the need. Today, I am going to try anti-histamines. Maybe if I can’t destroy it, I can reduce it greatly. So sad, but I’m relieved that I’m not the only one dealing with this.

  16. Amy

    I am 30 , I’m so glad I’m not the only one that has this problem it is so frustrating and agravating and feeling lonely and sexually flustrated, we have always told each other its ok to masterbate when your horney, but it seems like he does but when I get home i want to have sex but he doesnt, he knows it upsets me he tells me all the time he loves me he doesn’t want to lose me ,hes sorry, im to tired right now or go to sleep I will wake you up in a little bit, or sometimes he will get the vibrator out and use it on me, i rather have him, im to the point where i dont want my sex drive any more whats the point, also when need to masterbate I can’t have two boys in the house so its harder for me just to masterbate when ever i need to. Just reading all the comments makes me burst into tears. I cant eat or sleep it bothers me so bad I’m just lost on options on what I can do to crave less sex I know he loves me we been through a lot together I actually helped him in so many ways.

  17. Elizabeth M.

    I too am hoping through the same problem, and this is the second partner to not keep up with my drive. But with this one it’s different, any time he rejects it, he always says “I don’t want to disappoint you.” Even though that statement right there is disappointing. I get upset over it, I hurt, and I always ask myself “why doesn’t he want me? What am I doing wrong?”

    I usually fall asleep after he does, and I cry myself to sleep every night. I get offended when he masturbates, (because why masturbate when I’m literally right there?) and I don’t like to masturbate because it makes me feel gross.

    I don’t know what to do. I’m giving up on sex. Even though he asked me not to.

  18. genavieve
    United States

    My husband and I have run into this on more than one occasions and I am stumped. I am so tired of this issue that I don’t want a sex drive at all. It’s not worth the fight and the feeling of shame and sadness that come with rejection.

  19. Anonymous

    I know the pain WAY too well. I would give ANYTHING to lower or even get rid of my sex drive. If I could describe my boyfriend’s sex drive, I would compare it to that of a 90 year old nun. It drives me to absolute tears. I can’t count how many times I had cried over it. Never been so sexually frustrated. But no matter what, I love him more than anything and wouldn’t risk our relationship for anything. Somebody help…

  20. hyperhidrosis

    I’m looking for a med to reduce my sex drive without lowering testosterone. I’m a single male w extreme hyperhidrosis (hands drip with sweat). I have a physical job requiring strength given by male hormones. My sex drive plus the social consequences of the hyperhidrosis is very embarrassing. I would like to be able focus on life rather than obsessing on fantasy. I think there are a lot of men out there w similar inabilities to secure outlets normally who could be served by snuffing out this distracting and wasteful urge.

  21. Onyxx
    Down South USA

    Hello, I am happy and saddened to find so many going through the same problem as I am. I thought I was alone. I am 44 he is 50. This is the best relationship I have ever had. He is awesome. We have so much in common. He is truly my soul mate. The only problem, little or no intimacy and no sex. We were together briefly when I was in my 20’s but did not commit because so much was going on in our lives. Sex was always outstanding. When we first got back together after a 14 yr. Absence things were wonderful. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me. That was back in july of 2014. Now we average about once a month if that. When we do, it’s usually disappointing for both of us. I am a firm believer in communication and have spoken to him about my feelings. He has tried testosterone supplements and other thing’s, he watches what he eats. He assures me that I’m not the problem but I can’t help but wonder. If sex is to be had I must initiate it, often getting rejected. I masturbate a lot which makes me angry and frustrated. I want sex but only with him. Cheating is not an option, as I have wanted this man my whole life. Is there anyone out there who has tried the tea? If so, what was the outcome?

  22. Alex

    I’m holding back tears as I write this. Me and my fiancé have been together for over 6 years and for the last 4 our sex life has been shattered. We might have sex 3 times a years, tops. Sometimes we go days without even kissing! I love him so much and I know he loves me but he just won’t have sex with me! Or anything like that. It absolutely breaks my heart because life it perfect otherwise.
    I’m glad I found this because I really want to kill my sex drive. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I want to be happy!

  23. Heather

    I’m welled up with tears of empathy for each of the posts I’ve read. Married for 12 years, I have a wonderful husband however, our marriage is on the brink because of my sex drive, or the lack of his. This has been a battle we’ve endured since the birth of our first (11 years ago) and it has progressively gotten worse with the passing of time. I, like all of you, have tried everything to “make” him want me and I’m beyond exhausted with the dead end conversations, the accusations, countless nights of crying myself to sleep, and endless fights.
    We’ve done everything possible on both our ends including but not limited to checking his testosterone, dietary changes, and even separating for a time. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor in a last ditch effort to save ‘us’ and would like to know, for those of you who have been using the tea, is it affective? Have you been able to keep your drive at bay to any degree?

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