There’s a popular stereotype that guys have only one thing on their minds. SEX!
The implication is that women have to fend men off and that they are much less interested in making love. Based on our unscientific sample, however, the stereotypes are much too simplistic.
Women visiting our Web site ( have shared some incredible stories of frustration. Here are just a few: “You always hear from guys that they would love a girl like me, but put it into practice and you find out quickly that this just isn’t true. I have had a high sex drive since I hit puberty and have never found anyone to match it.
“I have been with the same man for 10 years, and it has always been the same: I am the initiator (95 percent of the time) and the sorely disappointed one (90 percent of the time), night after night. I spend too many nights crying, feeling unattractive and listening to snores come from the other side of the bed.
“Other than this, we get along well, have similar interests and have established a good home. The biggest problem is that we are both in our 30s. I love my husband, but I don’t know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life! I am looking for a way to reduce my sex drive because the rejection is killing me.”
Another woman commented: “I thought I was basically alone in this. I’m a young woman with a very high sex drive. Except for sex, I am in a wonderful relationship.
“I have been with my boyfriend over two years. The first few weeks were bliss, where he actually wanted to make love with me. Since that time, we’ve gone from four or five times a week to MAYBE once every six weeks.
“I’ve dolled up, put on my best lace nightie, and when I walked into the room, he didn’t even notice. He makes me feel so bad for always wanting it, like I’m some sort of weirdo.
“He’s 24. He says he loves me and that he’s still very attracted to me, but there is no proof. He doesn’t even try to initiate anything with me and when I do, I’m rejected. I need something to kill my libido because my ego can’t take any more rejection.”
Apparently this problem is not at all unusual: “I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average.
“Other than the lack of sex, our relationship is perfect. I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex.
“On average, we have sex once every six weeks or so. At this point, once a week sounds good to me. It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex, it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive.”
Although there are drugs that dampen libido as a side effect (antidepressants or hormones like progesterone) and herbs (such as chaste tree berry) that also may reduce sex drive somewhat, this type of problem is best addressed with counseling. Even when one partner is not in the mood, he could find a way to satisfy the woman he loves. Who knows, maybe while he’s helping her he may find himself more interested.

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  1. Sarah

    I know this feeling all to well, but, what has made it worse is porn. I’ve never minded it until recently, I watch it myself from time to time. Lately though, I’ve found my boyfriend far more likely to jerk off to porn then try to initiate anything. What worse is now I’m so screwed up I don’t even know if I can initiate. He says I’m far to interested in sex, and when were not having it we fight. But, instead of allowing himself to maybe feel pent up and horny he watches porn. I’m losing my mind. I need to feel like he wants to indulge that he feels like I’m attractive, but, I’ve hit the point where I’ve stopped trying to ask for it, and I’m not getting it. I love him… I love him so much, but, I need sex. I’ve never felt jealous of a computer before, but, now… now I feel like shit as soon as he excuses himself to his computer chair.

    I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to say that I need it, because he’s put something out there that says I’m too focused… but, I don’t want to anything dumb.

  2. Stacy

    As far back as I can remember, my sex drive has always been very high. I have struggled with a sex addiction for all of my adult life. It has caused me to do some risky things in early adulthood. I have since then learned how to manage it enough to where I am not making bad decisions or frankly, looking for my next lay. It is very difficult to explain this part of me to someone, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. It has been an issue with virtually every man I have been with. I am 33, in a long term exclusive relationship with a 21 year old guy… and sometimes he can’t even handle me. I am hesitant to try medications because I fear that I won’t be myself. I do find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, nor some sort of mutant. Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences!

  3. Lulu

    Meaning since my first sex encounter of 19 years old and my first thoughts and feelings of pleasure since the age of 7 or 8.

  4. Lulu
    Fort William, Ontario, Canada

    I’m 51 years old. I have been having sex since I was 19 years old. I have an extremely high sex drive and it has never stopped. Not a day goes by that I do not want an orgasm or at least 3. Now I can control it, (don’t want to, but I can) and not leave the house without having 3 orgasms before I leave for work, but I rarely do. Having the ‘O’ is so good for your immune system and your outlook on life that if there is no man around (in the morning there never is because I don’t do sleep overs) then I take care of it myself. Nothing like a man and the real thing, so thank goodness there’s plenty of that to do around in the evening and on the weekends. But it consumes my private thoughts when I’m on break, driving, shopping, sleeping. When I work I work and always concentrate on that, but I am continually vibrating and ready to go. Some men that that I have been with find this unbelievable. Some men that I haven’t been with feel the same. They call me the energizer bunny. I don’t think it’s a problem, but I surprise myself at times that I have been this way since before my first sex encounter. At least since the age of 7 or 8.

  5. Jayne

    I thought I, was a nympho at one time. But think about it, he knew you were like this when you met him. Maybe he feels he can’t keep up! It is not that he is not interested! His pride is in the way. Other men do find you lovely. He enjoys that attention. But unless he is Idris Elba, he may not have it in that department. Your hormones are working overtime and some medications can control them. If this has interfered with you mental well-being then ask a psychiatrist. A medical doctor, at least here in America, will think you don’t have a problem. Certain anti-depressants will help with may very well be a sex addiction. For me, I knew that this was taking way too much of my life. I did what my mother told me to do, I prayed on it for two weeks. One morning I work up, it was gone, forever. Not that I don’t like sex, but it is no longer if I don’t have it I will explode issue for me. It does not run my life anymore, and does not define who I am. I used to be afraid of it coming back, which is why many pretty women become fat, but I am no longer shamed by my former sexuality. I learned moderation is the key to everything.

  6. UnhappyBride

    I’m about to get married in a few months and this is an ongoing problem that really upsets me. There is definitely not enough advice or enough studies about higher sex drives in women. The bulk of advice I’ve read is about men’s higher sex drives and women struggling with that and it makes me feel abnormal and undesirable. I’m 31 and when we first got together (5 years ago), we were having great, regular sex. I really thought I’d met someone who I was going to have amazing sex with for the rest of my life and it would only get better. The truth is, we now only have sex 2-3 times/month and I’m in desperate need for more sex. If I try to broach the subject, he gets annoyed and says he would be more in the mood if I didn’t bring it up and it’s not ‘attractive’ to hear me speak that way. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried his approach and nothing changes. We do bicker and I’m a passionate person, so I say what I think, but we also have a very loving relationship and have a lot of fun together. It puts worries in my mind about marrying him, but I don’t want to leave him. We love each other to bits and there is a lot of cuddling, holding hands, kissing every day (but he’s usually just interested in a peck). I’ve even started to worry he’s gay, but don’t think he is. Then I question my sexual abilities, but have never had that feeling from other partners. I seem to be attractive to other men and he tells me he is very attracted to me, so why no sex? It really dents my confidence…particularly when I initiate and he turns me down (I’ve never experienced that before). Help!! Does anyone else feel this way or is in a similar situation? Please share.

    • sohappyiamnotalone
      United Kingdom

      @unhappybride I am exactly in the same situation as you are- except I am not about to marry my ‘lazy’ man. He is a lovely boyfriend that cuddles and kisses me, just not having sex, at all! I am satisfying myself, but it doesn’t compare with the real thing and I also feel guilty, but I can’t help it because being horny all the time makes me go mad.. Don’t feel unattractive, you said it yourself- other men notice you!

      • Stephen fairbrother

        Dont mean to pick you out of a crowd but posted comment stood out to me. I pleasure mysef as you do but I do it because if I don’t I am like a sexual predator. I hound my partner for sex and make her feel bad but as well it’s not enough. Do you think we are selfish or do you agree with me and think a partner should give sex when ever. Beause I’m always on standby just in case

  7. daisy

    Like every one else I have a very high sex drive my partner & I have been together for 3 years and have 2 children together, the 1st week was great, but now there is nothing once every 2 or 3 months it’s killing me he doesn’t even do anything when it comes to sex just lays on his back doing nothing, while I do all the work, he doesn’t do anything else literally no oral or even touching, I can’t handle it anymore, we fight a lot & I think this could be why I wish there was something I could do but I can’t handle this anymore

  8. P

    Here’s the thing, I’d love to figure out how to recognize others with a higher than average libido.
    Like these ladies, unfortunately, I’ve always had a high libido.
    I wish, and I’m sure these ladies would agree, that there was some research that could show what to look for in people’s personalities that might give a “wise” person an inkling of an idea, that the person he/she is dealing with is a good candidate for a higher level of sexual activity.

    It does get soooooo very frustrating not being satisfied in this area. After all –
    This Level of INTIMACY is huge in a relationship… At least, it is to me!

    Does anyone know of any study done or have any thoughts on how to increase
    the chance of being with a similar person? If you do I’d surely like to hear!

    PS: Like several of the ladies here… I too am into monogamous relationships only.

  9. Pee

    Ooo! So I’m not in this alone? Women; we are suffering. I developed interest in sex after birth. We’ve married for two years but together for twelve years. We are in our late twenty’s, he was very active in sex when we were dating but i was not and he made me like it . Now that i want to do it more he is always busy with work or tired and rans from it. I always have to initiate it. At time he even says my sex drive is too high therefore he will stop doing it and sleep. We sometimes do it once in a week or in two weeks. So what should I do because I love him soo much and don’t want to leave?

  10. Angela

    I am 39 years old and my husband is 32. I have a very high sex drive and I feel like it’s unnormal! We have been married 8 years but together 13 years. We have 4 children and life is great but not the sex. We use to have sex 4-5 times a day and now it’s 3-4 times a week and that’s still not enough for me. His sex drive has went down since he started on his high blood pressure medicine and he barely wants it. I’m going crazy!! I don’t want no one else but him and I need help because I’m constantly lusting for him.

    • Carson

      Angela, a close female friend had the same problem, she was constantly craving sex and her husband was exhausted. She had to have it several times a day! Finally she tried the right mixture of herbal treatment and her drive reduced down to a more manageable level. Try a doctor that is into herbal medicine. Your strong drive can be controlled.

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