There’s a popular stereotype that guys have only one thing on their minds. SEX!
The implication is that women have to fend men off and that they are much less interested in making love. Based on our unscientific sample, however, the stereotypes are much too simplistic.
Women visiting our Web site (www.peoplespharmacy.com) have shared some incredible stories of frustration. Here are just a few: “You always hear from guys that they would love a girl like me, but put it into practice and you find out quickly that this just isn’t true. I have had a high sex drive since I hit puberty and have never found anyone to match it.
“I have been with the same man for 10 years, and it has always been the same: I am the initiator (95 percent of the time) and the sorely disappointed one (90 percent of the time), night after night. I spend too many nights crying, feeling unattractive and listening to snores come from the other side of the bed.
“Other than this, we get along well, have similar interests and have established a good home. The biggest problem is that we are both in our 30s. I love my husband, but I don’t know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life! I am looking for a way to reduce my sex drive because the rejection is killing me.”
Another woman commented: “I thought I was basically alone in this. I’m a young woman with a very high sex drive. Except for sex, I am in a wonderful relationship.
“I have been with my boyfriend over two years. The first few weeks were bliss, where he actually wanted to make love with me. Since that time, we’ve gone from four or five times a week to MAYBE once every six weeks.
“I’ve dolled up, put on my best lace nightie, and when I walked into the room, he didn’t even notice. He makes me feel so bad for always wanting it, like I’m some sort of weirdo.
“He’s 24. He says he loves me and that he’s still very attracted to me, but there is no proof. He doesn’t even try to initiate anything with me and when I do, I’m rejected. I need something to kill my libido because my ego can’t take any more rejection.”
Apparently this problem is not at all unusual: “I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average.
“Other than the lack of sex, our relationship is perfect. I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex.
“On average, we have sex once every six weeks or so. At this point, once a week sounds good to me. It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex, it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive.”
Although there are drugs that dampen libido as a side effect (antidepressants or hormones like progesterone) and herbs (such as chaste tree berry) that also may reduce sex drive somewhat, this type of problem is best addressed with counseling. Even when one partner is not in the mood, he could find a way to satisfy the woman he loves. Who knows, maybe while he’s helping her he may find himself more interested.

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  1. Janice
    Ontario
    Reply

    So… Many ladies share my frustration but I need a solution besides drinking peppermint tea because there isn’t much else.

    I ain’t drinking no tea just to make the issue go away so why can’t they go drink some tea and increase their libido?!

    This is like the ultimate bait and switch from great sex to next to nill real quick!

    Sigh …..

  2. Chrissy
    CA - California
    Reply

    I am a recently married, middle aged woman. Before I married my husband, we did NOT have sex. I stressed to him NUMEROUS times over the year we dated that I have an extremely high sex drive and that I would want sex on a daily basis when we were married. In response, he assured me NUMEROUS times that his sex drive matches mine and that his actually surpasses mine.

    Well, that is far from true. Beginning on our honeymoon, I was shown that this was untrue. The honeymoon is thee time when a husband and wife get to REALLY experience each other sexually. Out of seven days on our honeymoon, we probably had sex 4 times.

    Things have quickly gone downhill from there. We have not had sex in two weeks now, but when we do it is because I am initiating EVERY time. I feel unsexy, unwanted, and even though he says he loves me, I feel unloved. I feel lied to and duped.

    I have talked to him about this, but I am getting no where and I feel like I am wasting my breath which makes me resent him. I am now just trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life basically sex less. I’m looking into surgeries and chemicals to reduce or completely kill my sex drive. I’m sorry I’m not the only one going through some degree of this problem. However, I’m grateful that there are others from whom I can get support/ideas. Thank you all…

  3. Marie
    home
    Reply

    Your article helped some. I am a 63 year old woman. I live with a very desirable 71 year old man. We are so very happy. He is loving to me. I am to him. We have lived together a short time. Not quite 3 months. Have not had sex. He can’t remain hard to enter. I realize I am 63. A grandma. I am sometimes so very depressed, because I am beginning to realize that at my age- my desire to actually have my man’s penis enter me – is just dumb. He is so desirable in and out of clothes. It just isn’t fair. I so desire him, yet I know at my age, it’s just dumb. I need medical help to stop all desire for sex.

  4. Tamara
    CO
    Reply

    I’ve had the same problem in my marriage. My husband doesn’t desire me and won’t open up about what’s going on. I feel so broken-hearted and unwanted. One day while on his phone, a porn site came up. This prompted me to check his search history. It all makes sense now. He’s turning to porn instead of me. I feel like he’s cheating on me in a sense.

  5. Lucy
    Rainham kent
    Reply

    I am in the same situation as the other women in this forum I have been married for 25 years in the beginning sex was fantastic and the first few years improved and got better as we got to know each other. I now have not had sex for 61 days and it has come to the problem of I drink vodka every night to knock me out and can get to sleep but can’t stay asleep so I wake up with sexual desires again my husband has constantly regected me and have always felt undesirable and unattractive I have asked begged and made jokes but nothing works I would like to sleep and not wake constantly wanting sex I don’t know if he has problems physically now

    • Marie
      Reply

      I am so glad to know I am not alone. At my age when I look in the mirror I see more wrinkles. Yet know I’m not that bad looking. I’m 63, with a desire for my man to REALLY just ONCE! put himself inside me. He won’t take Viagra. Is it perverted for me to use a vibrator? I have, then I feel like I’m cheating on him.

  6. Emily
    United Kingdom
    Reply

    Reading other’s comments on this makes me feel a whole lot better as I draw comfort from knowing I’m not the only one going through this.
    I love my boyfriend dearly. We have a great relationship. Always laughing together and having lots of fun?

    I’ve been married before to a man who didn’t understand me. He wanted sex all the time and I didn’t enjoy it. There was no love between us. Meeting my boyfriend and falling in love for the first time changed how I felt about sex. It was no longer cold and harsh, but beautiful and gentle. In the beginning sex was often. Sometimes with him tearing my clothes off at the door when I got to his, but now its no longer like that. We still have sex now and then and it’s always wonderful, but I feel he is doing it for me than for us. It’s as if he no longer desires me in that way and can sometime feel more like a loving friendship than a relationship.

    We have kisses and cuddles in bed and we talk for hours together about anything and everything, but I’m finding this tough to deal with and often it can make me feel bad about myself. But what can I do?? He is my ideal man. Wonderful and honest. So I guess I need to learn how to live without sex, because I definitely couldn’t live without him.

    • Marie
      Reply

      I feel better already! not hurting now! need feed-back about using a vibrator. Am I cheating on him? I told him about the vibrator. His words saying he’s ok with it didn’t match his facial expressions.

      • Becca
        Reply

        Marie, you are not cheating on him if you pleasure yourself and you are not perverted!!! I am married to a low sexdrive hubby and often our sex is me using a vibrator while he snuggles and kisses me. I still want penetration and we do that sometimes too (wanting that is not stupid at all, it’s natural) but it is intimate so I’ve accepted it. Please make sure that you’ve told your husband what you need and want. You deserve pleasure! If he is mature and caring I think you’ll reach a compromise. Good luck!!

  7. Margaret
    Georgia
    Reply

    Several thoughts occur to me: Is he Gay but still feels that a “heterosexual relationship” is his idea of the ideal relationship? Is he on a medication (s) that suppresses the libido? Is he having an affair?

  8. Heather
    North Carolina
    Reply

    I am so glad I found this. I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. For the first three years we were highly sexually active then one day it just seemed to stop. It went from having sex four times a week to once everyone two to three months.

    I keep begging him and asked him for sex. We are in our mid twenties. Of what I’ve heard from other women “the sexual prime time”. But I constantly get rejected.

    I feel like I’m some kind of freak. Someone he doesn’t want anymore. Someone he has no desires for like he used to. Like he doesn’t even care about my sexual needs. It feels like he’s trying to push me away.

    I get so depressed that I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror cause I feel so unwanted. There are days that my depression is so bad that I lash at him for not giving me the sexual pleasures I need. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. That I’ve become troublesome to be with anymore.

    When he finally gives me sex it feels wonderful. But when we’re done I always ask myself “Did he just do that to try to shut me up because of how troublesome I’ve been?”

    I need drastic help before my relationship ends because of this. And I don’t want it to. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I want to keep this sexual desire but at the same time make it all go away.

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