There’s a popular stereotype that guys have only one thing on their minds. SEX!
The implication is that women have to fend men off and that they are much less interested in making love. Based on our unscientific sample, however, the stereotypes are much too simplistic.
Women visiting our Web site (www.peoplespharmacy.com) have shared some incredible stories of frustration. Here are just a few: “You always hear from guys that they would love a girl like me, but put it into practice and you find out quickly that this just isn’t true. I have had a high sex drive since I hit puberty and have never found anyone to match it.
“I have been with the same man for 10 years, and it has always been the same: I am the initiator (95 percent of the time) and the sorely disappointed one (90 percent of the time), night after night. I spend too many nights crying, feeling unattractive and listening to snores come from the other side of the bed.
“Other than this, we get along well, have similar interests and have established a good home. The biggest problem is that we are both in our 30s. I love my husband, but I don’t know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life! I am looking for a way to reduce my sex drive because the rejection is killing me.”
Another woman commented: “I thought I was basically alone in this. I’m a young woman with a very high sex drive. Except for sex, I am in a wonderful relationship.
“I have been with my boyfriend over two years. The first few weeks were bliss, where he actually wanted to make love with me. Since that time, we’ve gone from four or five times a week to MAYBE once every six weeks.
“I’ve dolled up, put on my best lace nightie, and when I walked into the room, he didn’t even notice. He makes me feel so bad for always wanting it, like I’m some sort of weirdo.
“He’s 24. He says he loves me and that he’s still very attracted to me, but there is no proof. He doesn’t even try to initiate anything with me and when I do, I’m rejected. I need something to kill my libido because my ego can’t take any more rejection.”
Apparently this problem is not at all unusual: “I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average.
“Other than the lack of sex, our relationship is perfect. I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex.
“On average, we have sex once every six weeks or so. At this point, once a week sounds good to me. It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex, it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive.”
Although there are drugs that dampen libido as a side effect (antidepressants or hormones like progesterone) and herbs (such as chaste tree berry) that also may reduce sex drive somewhat, this type of problem is best addressed with counseling. Even when one partner is not in the mood, he could find a way to satisfy the woman he loves. Who knows, maybe while he’s helping her he may find himself more interested.

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  1. daz05
    africa
    Reply

    It’s difficult to understand what we go through..I am single..we broke up our relationship because my ex girlfriend complained that my sex drive irritates her and she can’t keep up with it..several medication have proved unsuccessful..I have to face reality that my frequent and unsatisfying sex drive is part of me, I can’t get rid of it, it’s just there to stay for a life time.

    I will suggest another way to address the issue is to find partner with high libido which is quite difficult to find..I keep myself occupied with work, sports and reading but I still can’t control my sex drive during these activities..

    Masturbation is good but the sensation, feeling and satisfaction is nothing compared to experience with the opposite partner..forums like this are helpful and I encourage individuals without high libido to be part of the discussion and shouldn’t impersonate as one have high libido..I am proud and I so much love my high libido and I encourage others to embrace them self and be proud of whom they are..

    I want to thank people’s pharmacy for recognising us and extending a helping hand to us through these discussion forum..

  2. Ratna
    Singapore
    Reply

    I have been married for 17 years , my husband suffers from ED. When I try to initiate sex, he asks to be left alone; times like this I feel he rips out every shred of dignity that I have. Lately I have come to question the kind of relationship that we share. He says go masturbate!

    He continues to stonewall every conversation by saying no one can talk to you. The fact is he does not want to talk about it. It is a big deal to me, cos it makes me question my relationship, feelings, grief etc. He shuts out everything with booze n more booze.

    I keep reading that men are visual creatures, I seem to have shattered all the stereotypes, I find myself ogling muscular guys. I make more eye contact with the male species now than I have ever before; my choice of clothes have become daring perhaps indirectly I want him to sit up and look at me.

    Lately he accuses me of having sex in my mind all the time, Why make sex trashy now, wasn’t it the same thing he wanted when he was a young buck
    What recourse do I have?

  3. Tyra
    baton rouge, la
    Reply

    What is a woman suppose to do!?!?! LOL!

    I’m 26 and have had a very high sex drive as long as I’ve been sexually active, I too have the same issue with my current boyfriend and past relationships or flings… I honestly do know what to do about how to make it work but communicate and be very honest because I’ll rather me express my feelings to see if you’ll apply some type of change into my needs. Sex is an important role in every relationship and ppl put it off as if it isn’t. When a male or female is lacking something in the sex department their hunger for what they crave will get stronger and stronger and either 3 things will happen. 1. You’ll be an upset puppy for the rest if your life with your partner. 2. You’ll cheat. 3. You’ll end you breaking up… I’m honest with my partner but now it’s all about timing. ( everything doesn’t happen overnight.)

  4. Lt
    Reply

    I’ve always been the one to initiate things with my husband. It makes me feel so unwanted, not good enough, not pretty, etc. btw I had injections of progesterone during my second pregnancy to help me go full term after my son was early. I had never heard of it affecting your sex drive before this article. Did not for me!

  5. Alex S.
    Reply

    I am really upset by the statement “I always thought men wanted sex continuously”, quite infuriated in fact! Almost feels like feminism in reverse :p
    First of all nobody wants sex continuously. Secondly we, men, are also people and sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t!!!
    I also have the feeling that a lot of women take enjoyment in the fact that they have an option to deny sex. I am quite frankly to say – disgusted by that fact. It is just something I grew up with, having been told that women do not enjoy sex as much as men do. I am so pleased to find out now that there are actually women (and maybe a lot of them) who’s libido is higher than that of their husband’s/boyfriend’s. I feel that it’s Karma coming back!

  6. Still talking
    Reply

    So my husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. We are both very religious people, and as we believe it is wrong to have sex before marriage we waited until we were married. We discussed all aspects of sex before marriage including porn use (none allowed) and masturbation (none solo), but sex drive is hard to quantify for two virgin people.
    I by and far have the stronger sex drive. I want it daily but I think he would have sex quarterly, if it was up to him, and other than the honeymoon period of a month when we were close to daily, it had been once a week. However in the last year it has crept more towards once or twice a month. We are still talking to figure out a good level for our relationship. Ironically, he is extremely intimate, we are always hugging and cuddling, and he gives me massages, and we often lay naked together.
    I truly believe that in any relationship there will be compromises. You are taking two different people and trying to form one relationship. As such, sex is one of those that requires compromise for most couples. If there is true affection and desire for the other person’s happiness, then you can handle having sex a little less often than you would like, or a little more often. I strongly disagree with several comments about get a divorce and move on. There is no perfect mate, and there will always be compromising. Unless there is abuse or one of the spouse has checked out of the relationship and is no longer willing to work on the relationship, I see no reason to try ‘greener pastures’.
    Here’s the rub for me. If the man in the relationship has the higher sex drive, well it’s pretty easy for a woman to participate in sex. Yes it takes energy, but depending on position, she doesn’t have much she needs to do, and if necessary can even fake an orgasm. The vice versa is not equal. When the woman has the higher sex drive she has to excite the man sufficient to get an erection. Heterosexual sex doesn’t work well without an erection! :-) Thus the disadvantage!
    How does a man, who wants to give sex more often perform? He doesn’t! He knows his body is too tired, or that JR won’t be performing that night. So rather than being embarrassed when Jr doesn’t activate, he says no. Woman feels rejected, and man (should) feels horrible for making her feel that way! Thus start of the ugly cycle, she feels worse and pulls away, and he feels worse and has even lower libido, she only makes half hearted requests, because it doesn’t hurt so bad when he says no…again! He has even less excitement to get Jr up. He requests that he initiates all sex and further hurts woman, and so on!
    My suggestion: have a long talk, discuss porn use, masturbation, frequency of sexual desire, how often does each person think of sex, sexual orientation, ect. Then try to find a mid ground.
    For my husband and I it has been weekly, way less for me, and way more for him. Then commit fully to uphold that. Don’t go looking for other paths. If I need something more, then he pleasures me with his hands, and the same can work the other way. In my opinion, everything sexual should be done together. Even if only one is being pleasured due to lack of interest from the other. That way I am still feeling loved and treasured by my husband and not turning to a vibrator, porn or another person while he is out watching TV or out at the office or whatever! That way it is still a ‘couple event’ and still building our relationship. Then next week or next month sit down and talk again. How is it working? How do both feel? And make adjustments accordingly. Most likely you won’t strike the perfect balance the first time, and needs and desires change, as does health.
    A piece of advice that I found. The classical path to sex follows these 4 steps: 1. Sexual thought: this can be seeing your spouse in a sexual way, a fantasy, or some other sexual trigger. 2. Sexual desire: the thought triggers feelings in you body making you want sex. 3. The sexual act/release whether by masturbation or by intercourse, it’s some kind of release. 4. The let down (I can’t remember the technical term) where your body relaxes after the release. A lot of people follow this path and it is what Hollywood teaches. Woman walks in with a lacy lingerie on, man gets excited they have sex.
    However there is evidence some people do not follow this in order, they mix up 1 and 2. In other words seeing an image or hearing something flirtatious or seductive, doesn’t get them going. However if a sexual feeling is aroused then the sexual desire can be triggered, and the following steps ensue! I would suggest this might be some of the guys who don’t have a problem with Jr, but just never are in the mood, tired, etc.
    In other words we call it the five minute rule. Because my husband has some erectile dysfunction due to medical problems it doesn’t work for me every time. But the five minute rule is that the person that is wanting sex is given 5 minutes by the non interested partner to sexually arouse them. Whether nibbling on ears, touching genitals, massages, whatever the partner likes. If after 5 minutes they still are too tired for sex, then some personalized pleasuring may be in order and sex can wait a day or few hours. (However I wouldn’t over use this, only when you really need sex!) I think you would be surprised how responsive the other person can become.
    Another suggestion for the spouse that has the higher sex drive. Figure out your triggers and get rid of them. For me it is a hot scene, either on TV or in a movie. For my dad it was certain songs on the radio. As he avoided listening to that his libido dropped making it more manageable for mom!! Same for me. Would I like sex daily? Yes, but without my triggers it is much easier to be satisfied by weekly. Which makes me and my husband much happier. Like I said compromise, he still would prefer four times a year.
    I am no expert, but there didn’t seem to be many suggestions on here, only vents. So I thought I would share a few. And as some others said, this is as important to work on openly as money, children, keeping the house clean, any subject in a relationship. If you are willing to put time into those aspects, then put time into your sex life. I honestly thought it would just ‘happen’ and the first year was miserable!!!! Reading some of your posts brought those feelings back, and it is heart wrenching. But since my husband and I talk about it openly and frankly, and are getting to the point of scheduling it, we have both been MUCH happier with our sex life!! Make the commitment and you’ll be happier too, if your partner is willing to work on it too!

  7. K. R.
    Reply

    I’m going through the same things at the moment, and I still feel alone, as i have only just turned 20.
    I’m in a happy relationship with a 24 year old, but things get so hard for both of us, because I will want sex, and try to initiate, and I’m comtinuesly getting rejected. This then makes me frustrated, upset and angry. I’m usually in tears because I feel unattractive, or unloved. I cant deal with this rejection anymore.
    I NEED to get rid of my sex drive. It’s making me so confused and unhappy. I’ve tried taking antidepressants to get rid of it, but i ended up having other side effects and my sex drive was no different. I’m feeling confused, and depressed. I’m even getting paranoid about his sexuality because of how much affection he shows to other men rather than me.
    We’ve talked about it many times, but things aren’t changing. Someone please give me some tips, or have a great solution.

  8. af
    Reply

    It is amazing to me that so many others have this issue!! I am a 66 yr old female who has been living with my 69 yr old male partner for 7 years. When we first met, we had sex a lot, which was great with me!! Then all of a sudden, one night when I put my arms around him, he unexpectedly said “just back off a little”, and I was so hurt and taken aback, I have rarely ever initiated sex since then.
    This was in the first year we were living together, so that has been about 6 years of not nearly enough sex. It just keeps dwindling down, now I ‘m lucky if we have sex once every couple months. I am not at all satisfied with this, and have brought it up from time to time, but nothing ever changes. Also, the first year or so of our relationship (we met about 10 months before I moved in), he showed himself to be a very skilled and satisfactory lover, knowing all the right moves, and using them.
    He never had a problem getting an erection, and says he loves me and finds me attractive. I don’t think there is anything that can be done about any of this now, but I really miss how we were the first couple years. And it isn’t like we were all that young then, either. Just adding my tale to others.
    I feel for all of you folks who are feeling rejected, as I know what you mean. I try not to focus on it, but I am still alive here, and miss that special connection of sex with someone you love. We are both fit and active, and attractive (if I do say so) and still employed in professional positions. I find myself second guessing what it is in me that has made him not have the desire for me any more, though I know it probably isn’t me at all.
    At this point, I have pretty much made up my mind that it isn’t going to change or get much better. I do use a vibrator from time to time to help myself, but as many have noted, it is a poor substitute. Ah well, best of luck to all in getting your needs met.

  9. sjs
    Reply

    I honestly thought I was alone on this. I’m 27 and have lately felt like I’ve been in a deep depression over this.
    I went into my relationship (3 years it will be in April) knowing that I found my soulmate who also was overly active in a sexual manner thinking this would be okay. Now that he has moved in with me, regardless of so many advances made toward him I feel that “rejected” feeling.
    I have discussed it with him and it’s like I’m lost when I do so. We used to have sex constantly but now he can discuss being aroused n whatnot n it ends up NOWHERE.
    I feel like its almost starting to affect every part of the relationship because it almost makes me feel unwanted. It’s a little better knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way.
    I just wish I could shut the emotion part of it off. It scares me because I love him so much but the lack of sex just kind of makes me feel unwanted to a degree, and I don’t want it to fall apart because of that.

  10. DM
    Reply

    Thankfully this article reassures me that I am not strange and do not have a sex addiction problem. My boyfriend and I don’t have a perfect relationship but I know my issues have stemmed from the lack of intimacy. So I’m the selfish and insensitive one? for an attractive woman like myself it angers me to be rejected. Makes me want to leave him often. Then I’m told that’s all I care about. Well if this were true, I would be long gone. I just don’t know how long I’m willing to wait till things get back to where they were before. But I’m willing to try everything possible because my God it was great once. I just fear I will wait too long and end up with no happy ending, old and alone.

  11. FM
    Reply

    My finance after 3-4 days or a week on average will start to get severely depressed and whiny about not having sex. The way she acts about it / approaches it is a huge turn off and I’m starting to subconsciously forget about having sex with her. It is not intentional but I notice the signs when they happen.
    I feel the root cause is that she needs to be more confident and sexy about her approach because right now all I keep hearing is crying. I am 26 years of age. She is 21. I find her very attractive but when she acts like this I forget about all the good things.

  12. JF
    Reply

    There is no solution. I have looked all over the Internet. If you are a woman with a higher sex drive than your partner then too bad, it sucks to be you.
    Either live with it or leave. He won’t change if he thinks he is getting as much as he requires. Don’t feel like there is anything wrong with you because there most likely isn’t.

  13. jlfai
    Reply

    My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half now, and I have noticed that over the past few months his sex drive has decreased in such an odd way…
    It’s very obvious that he only ever wants it on his terms. I would be happy with this, if the sex lasted more than 10 minutes at most. There is never any foreplay, it’s always “the ol’ in out”.
    If I initiate sex, I almost always get turned down and it takes a huge toll on my confidence and self image. Thoughts of looking for satisfaction elsewhere had momentarily crossed my mind, but I would never do that to him or us.
    Besides the lack of sex, he’s the man of my dreams! I love him to death.
    The strange part of all of this is that I am 18 and he is 24. I’m far from overweight, we don’t argue much (besides petty problems) and on a daily basis he compliments me. I’m called “sexy,” “the best he’s ever had,” etc. I never see the true physical part of these thoughts and feelings, though.
    I refuse to believe our relationship is going downhill. I’ve found pleasuring myself with either hand or vibrator does no good any longer. I’m so confused and sad. Past relationships have been amazing in the sexual department. All guys around my age can keep up (for the most part).
    I don’t know. I feel like I’m babbling and I’m getting off topic. I wish there was a way to lower my libido. It’s distracting and puts pressure on our relationship. I’m glad there are other women out there who I can relate to. And for all the men who have posted who are dealing with the same sexual issues we are: MORE OF YOU NEED TO EXIST. lol

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